


Behind the Walls Life Goes On

by specsi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Injury, Major Original Character(s), Making Up, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:22:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 34
Words: 82,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23197024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/specsi/pseuds/specsi
Summary: Legends say that a guardian deity has taken pity on the Survey Corps and now stays outside the walls, ready to help in the most dreary times. A source of hope, these legends made it through the whole division, well-known by everyone. Many soldiers believed, at least a little, and even those who swore they'd never believe found some comfort in noticing a shift in the shadows behind them out of the corner of their eyes. Somehow, everyone slept a little easier since the legends made their round.What if the legends turn out to be more than a story to tell when you're stranded outside on a mission and the last light is running out?In a world full of painful goodbyes that last the eternity, tampering with fate and hope could bring massive chaos into the already fragile system. So what happens if your legend doesn't follow the rules of the world, doesn't stay just that and instead becomes a reality?Those who wish for the legends to be true fail to consider what would happen if they actually were.
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 87
Kudos: 133





	1. Prologue

Large clouds rolled over the dark sky, pushed by the wind. The plains were calm and the military base was quiet, most soldiers still managing to sleep soundly after the first day of an expedition. The night shift guards were stationed on their posts, one of the squads settled on the roof, overlooking the periphery of the compound.

“We were quite lucky to have such a calm start of the expedition,” noted one of the soldiers. “Do you think there will be trouble during the night?”

“No, nights are usually calm,” another shakes his head. “It’s very rare for something to happen at all after the sun sets.”

“We continue forward tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Let’s just hope luck will be too tired to fuck off and stays with us for a while.”

Another one of the guards snorts. “Does that ever happen?” He shakes his head in disbelief.

“Sometimes the weather isn’t complete shit when you need it,” the first grins. “Or the titans seem to be stupider than usual. And when all else fails, there’s the Lost Captain that might come to your rescue,” he chuckles

“The Lost Captain?”

“Don’t listen to him, there’s no such thing. It’s an old rumor supposed to keep up hopes. I wouldn’t rely on ghosts when you’re hoping to not become one.”

“Not a rumor Squad Leader, it’s a legend. A part of the Scouts’ heritage, passed down the ranks for years. Don’t rely on it, but the additional hope is nice. There is some truth to every legend, otherwise it wouldn’t exist.”

“You think there really is a ghost of a captain fighting the titans?”

“I’ve seen it with my own eyes, back in my young days.”

“Oh, really? How?”

“We were out on an expedition for a couple of days when we got ourselves into a particularly sticky situation. The winds have carried the flare signals too far and the formation spread to lose. Some titans managed to pass by the spotters and soon enough we were swarmed from every direction. We managed to make it into the forest of giant trees to get at least some leverage, but the formation was falling apart and there were too many of them. It seemed like they would never stop coming. 

“Somewhere in the midst of that hell I managed to look back. I knew there were titans reaching us from there, but it seemed like they stopped for some reason. There were plenty steaming ones on the ground though, many more than we could have gotten ourselves. And there were others approaching, except they fell down before they could come near.

“Whatever it was killing them, it was too fast to see properly, but I swear I saw the green cape and our uniform. Except there was no squad directly behind us in the formation when we entered the forest. Whoever took it upon themselves to help saved many lives that day.

“Ask around tomorrow, I won’t be the only one to tell you such stories. There are plenty soldiers who have gotten out of situations they wouldn’t be able to by themselves. I believe the sights of a ghost soldier go something more than five years back and still not dropping on frequency. So whatever magic is out there, some of the old veterans named it the Captain Survey Corps lost out of respect and acknowledgement as a comrade.”


	2. Chapter 2

Back in the Survey Corps HQ, Levi stalked down the hall towards Erwin's office. His annoyance grew proportionally to the number of times per day he had to make his way over, and this was already a few too many. The expedition was over so everyone at the Corps was supposed to have some down-time to rest. Well, everyone except the chief officers it seemed. Levi reached the door to Erwin’s office and knocked but followed in without waiting for a response.

“You wanted to see me,” he grumbled, leaning against the door.

“Levi?” Erwin snapped his sight from the papers on the table. “Oh, yes. A moment.”

A few more scribbles and scratches followed before the paper was put aside onto one of the piles on the table. Erwin then looked up, letting his hands rest on the table in front of him.

“I wanted to talk about your report from the expedition,” he said.

“So you actually read those?” Levi shook his head. “What’s with it?”

“I do check all of the reports to an extent, yes,” Erwn sighed. “I wanted to ask you about a part of the report, the encounter in the forest of giant trees specifically.”

“I don’t have anything else to say other than what is already on the paper. Our side got swarmed by titans, we were forced to engage, it was a mess,” Levi said through gritted teeth.

“Yes, that I understood. I’m more interested in a little inconsistency that appeared in your rundown of the situation. At the beginning you tried to estimate the number of titans in close proximity, but then you don’t take credit for enough kills that would sum up with the rest, even though the forest was cleared when we left,” Erwin stated, pulling out what had to be the report and skimming over the section. “It also appears according to this that there would be a substantial number of titans still in the rear chasing the formation when we left,” Erwin paused.

“Unless there was someone else taking them down in the rear,” He looked up and held Levi’s gaze. “Or you were wrong in your estimates,” Erwin concluded.

“My estimates are correct,” Levi snapped, then sighed and shook his head. “Maybe we lost a few of them in the fight, maybe some wondered away, maybe some soldiers killed more than they realized, maybe someone got confused in the mess and departed from the formation. Who knows, who cares! Never have you been so bothered by a few missing titans before,” Levi remarked.

“Those weren't a few missing titans. That would be anything from twenty to thirty of them in sceptical estimates. How would you imagine a group of twenty titans at least, all a class ten or higher, to just get lost,” Erwin raised one of his impressive eyebrows.

“Fuck if I know Erwin! I couldn’t care less. They were gone is all that I care about, how is not of my interest. If you miss them so desperately go ahead, I’m sure you’ll find more than that wandering around outside,” Levi scoffed.

“I believe it should be of interest. According to the formation, there was no one supposed to be there, even if someone accidently departed we’d see them return afterwards, or we’d see them at some point during the mess. We’d know they were there,” Erwin continued sternly. “No one from the Legion is this invisible.”

“What are you getting at?” Levi grit his teeth.

“There are multiple reports claiming spotting of something or rather someone fighting the titans, who couldn’t belong to the Legion based on skill, formation, strategies… there’s just no one who could have been there. And the spottings go way back a few good years,” Erwin explained. “Have you perhaps seen something out of the ordinary on the last expedition?” he suggested with a hint of something unidentifiable to Levi in his tone.

“No.” Levi shook his head firmly. “I’ve only seen Scouts in Scouts uniforms fighting the titans. I’m pretty sure there was someone at the back, but I’m also sure they wore a Scouts uniform.”

“Then why haven’t you mentioned it in the report?”

“Because the reports are not a means to keep track of everyone’s position. I don’t know who it was or how they got there. At some point there was a Scout behind me, that’s all.” Levi scoffed, wishing for the conversation to end.

“Well, that’s impossible,” Erwin shook his head. “There is no report from anyone that could explain how a Scout would get there. Miraculously, we had no deaths in that last encounter, so there’s no reports missing, and no one noted a mission Scout that would wander away from the formation. There wasn’t anyone there.” Erwin pressed firmly, his gaze locked on Levi.

“Then what explanation do you want to propose? The shit story of the crazy ghost?” Levi barked.

“I’ve had my suspicions about the legend of the Lost Captain for a while now, however I don’t believe in any such thing as ghosts or angry spirits. The legend has been here for too long and there are too many occurances, even recent, that get written off to the legend.” Erwin paused momentarily. “You said you were certain they had a Scouts uniform?” 

“Yes.”

“How old?” 

“Heck if I know, how does it matter?”

“We changed uniforms a few times, if you remember the old ones from couple of years back. There’s no way to get to those anymore. Any of the last existing ones are those veteran members kept as a memory. They can’t be used anymore as well.” Erwin stated, folding his hands beneath his chin. “Which design was it, could you tell?”

Levi went quiet for a while, thinking back at the rare fraction of a second, and then the implications that his answer would have. “I think the one before the previous one.”

“That would be quite rare,” Erwin noted nonchalantly. 

“So the point of this?” Levi almost snapped. “Don’t tell me you want to fuck off to chase some story ghost. Are the delusions finally getting to your head as well?”

“No, no ghost. But one thing you can’t deny,” Erwin put his hands down and stared sternly at Levi. “There’s someone out there.” 

_____


	3. Chapter 3

Life goes on. Just like that; simply. 

It was another one of those days again. The sky was a beautiful shade of blue with no clouds in sight, grass seemed greener than yesterday, gentle breeze swayed through his hair and the ground was painted in deep dark red, the air heavy with shouts and screams, as the well known terror seeped into his bones.

He stood on one of the high branches of a tree on the edge of the forest. Carefully hidden behind the leaves, he gazed on the group of horse-riders with green cloaks, spread along the plain, making a mad dash for the forest as their comrades were falling down like flies to the gigantic monsters behind them.

His heart clenched at the sight. He wanted to help them so much, but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t be able to hide anymore. Even if they made it into the forest, he would be able to only help them from a distance, hoping no one saw him. Yet he couldn’t turn his back on them and simply return to his home. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to hate them and he couldn’t stop himself from checking up on them whenever he knew they were outside, leaving the walls looming on the horizon.

The front of the formation reached the forest and disappeared behind him, the rest trying to keep up. They were leaving a trail of blood, bodies, humans and titans alike, behind them. He silently urged the formation to move faster as he readied his blades. Despite the Scouts’ efforts, there were too many titans on their back. 

The loud thumps echoed through the ground, growing louder every second. The rear of the formation finally disappeared beneath him and he regretfully counted another five seconds, the barest minimum he had to wait till they would be far enough to not notice him.

“Five… four… three… two…” he whispered with his eyes fixated on the herd of titans beneath him, “one.” He jumped from the branch and shot the wires of his 3DM gear into the first titan nape beneath him. 

He swung his blades and cut deep, immediately detaching wires and shooting them off to the next one, swinging beneath a few slow arms reaching to grab him. Another cut, another titan body falling to the ground with a loud thud. He continued taking them out with an incredible speed. Some of the titans simply ignored him and ran on into the forest. He couldn’t catch the attention of all of them, but he could damn well try to ease it up for the Scouts as much as possible. 

Once he got rid of the ones near the edge of the forest, he shot in between the trees, maneuvering around the branches with a distinct style and 3DMG skill, conserving as much gas as possible. He went on, cutting down each and every titan that appeared in front of him, until he almost reached the formation. Shooting up into the highest of the branches that would support him, he decided that they would be fine from now on. The walls weren’t far away anymore and they should be able to retreat with minimal damage.

He again stayed at the edge of the forest, anxiously looking towards the retreating group. Almost as if seeing them off, he was wishing them the best of luck and hoping to not see them anytime soon. Swearing them to stay behind those god-forsaken walls, he waited till they disappeared from the horizon. After losing sight of the last soldier, he turned around and sped off in the direction of his own home.

He knew the route by heart, however it seemed to be taking longer than usual this time. He swung from one tree onto the next and though he recognized the landmarks, somehow - something was telling him he should have already reached home. The forest got darker and he realized his sight was blurry. He pressed on further, detached his hooks again, but the click of them catching onto another tree didn't come. The sinking feeling was all that he could focus on as cold sweat ran down his back. After what felt like an eternity he felt himself falling. A scream got stuck in his throat as he desperately tried to reach out, catch anything, only to realize there was nothing but black and the forest had disappeared.

Some metal rattled next to him.

“Surprisingly, you still haven’t cut the shit.” An angry growl.

He jerked back with a shout as pain spread from his stomach and slammed his head into something hard behind him. He groaned in pain and his eyes shot open.

Dark. Stone walls. Metal bars. Flickering torch. A thin mattress on the dirt covered floor. His arms slightly above his head in shackles. The cold floor he was sitting on and the colder wall he was leaning against. His breath caught in his throat and he gasped, rattling the chains as he pulled on them with his arms.

A kick landed in his stomach. 

He gasped again and gulped down air when he finally managed to breath. He turned his head slightly to the side to see who was there with him and froze in his spot when his sight met a furious glare.

“Just give it up! Who the fuck are you?” Levi barked and kicked again. 

“You’re so not worth all this trouble.” Levi scoffed underneath his breath.

Another kick and he coughed out drops of blood. Nothing surprising, or new really. After so many beatings he got pretty much used to the metallic taste that always lingered in his mouth for hours after Levi left.

“I want to know your name.” Levi stated. “And how the fuck you survived outside the walls.” 

A couple more kicks and stomps followed.

“Do you fucking realize how many soldiers we lost? And then you appear, happily living in a cave. How did you manage?” Levi growled and narrowed his eyes at him, kicking his side sharply again.

“It’s not my fault.” he hissed at one of the kicks. “You can’t blame me for the deaths of the soldiers. It’s not my fault the ones close to you didn’t make it.” he was interrupted by yet another kick.

“Gah- Fuck!” he coughed out. “This is not going to bring anyone back or make anything better, you realize that?” he said, taking in a ragged breath as Levi paused and stepped back slightly.

“I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for.” he sighed and averted his look onto the floor, now stained with splatters.

“Tch. Just answer the damned questions, you shit.” Levi barked.

“Who was it?” he asked, surprising Levi and making him pause. “Come on. Who did you lose? Who is it that you can’t forget?” he asked, staring at Levi, daring him to answer.

Levi clenched his jaw and glared at him with pure hatred. The kicks that followed were stronger than the ones before. “Stop fucking spurting shit for once.” Levi snarled.

“I’m not and you know it.” he huffed, but doubled over with another jab to his stomach.

“Once again. Who are you?!” Levi stressed, stomping hard on his calf.

“No one.” he pushed through gritted teeth. “Not anymore.”

“Then who the fuck have you been? Does that formulation help your shit excuse of a brain?” Levi mocked, his face stoic but his voice sharp like a knife.

“Why the fuck haven’t you figured that out yet?!” he snapped, anger rising in his throat. It was the only emotion he has shown in the past week.

"Come on Levi!" he screamed, pulling at the shackles holding his arms locked to the wall. "Think! Just a bit! How is all of this possible?! How could it have happened?! It's obvious you asshole!" his voice cracked and he coughed between breaths.

“Am I supposed to fucking read your mind?!” Levi shouted once he recovered from the shock. It was subtle, but evident as he paused before replying.

“Pretentious shit! Moping around and selfishly taking out your anger on people! Stop making it about yourself!” he shouted back, straining against the shackles, making the rattle loudly.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Levi forced out through his teeth, his glare full of hatred.

“I’m talking about the fact that you’re pitying yourself. Yes, he died. People die. Get fucking over it. Pathetic.” he sneered. 

“You have no idea what you’re talking about!” Levi shouted and made a kick after kick, into his stomach, ribs, sides… until the sounds of screams and shouts were louder than the shackles, smacks and thuds.

Once he finally stopped, Levi was out of breath, panting and staring down at him. He was shaking, eyes cast onto the floor, doubled over in pain. He coughed out blood and spit it onto the floor. He took in a deep breath and somehow managed to straighten himself up and look at Levi.

“Does this make it any better? Do you feel any better? Has it helped you bring them back?” he asked in an implied accusation, carefully observing Levi.

“I know so many of those you knew and valued were lost out there, and suddenly I appear, surviving despite all. I know how it feels. But it’s not my fault any of them died.” he said, shaking his head.

Levi stared at him, shaking in rage. He quickly turned to the cell door and stormed out, locking the door behind him, rattling them as much as possible. He dashed down the corridor and out, rattling the main door once again.

As the door closed shut behind Levi, he looked at the floor and let out a shaky breath. He let himself lean against the wall and tried to find a position that would hurt at least slightly less. His wrists were rubbing against the shackles, sending sharp pain through his arms from the open scratches. 

He blinked a couple times and let out a few breaths, but nevertheless, the tears have found their way onto his face.

By the time he heard the rattle again he was only half conscious, partially because of the pain and partially because of exhaustion. He cast a glance at the bars. Hanji stepped in, carefully pushing the bars closed behind her. One of the corners of his mouth twitched upwards in a small smile when he met her sight, but stopped quickly due to the pain. Her expression fell and she frowned.

"Hi there," she said as she kneeled by his side. "Can you hear me?"

He hummed in response, not being able to say much more. His eyelids felt heavy and he let them close.

"Hang on a bit, I'll try to fix what I can," Hanji sighed as she started cleaning what she could.

At times he was jolted awake by pain, as Hanji was treating his injuries, he could vaguely make out her swears of how Levi had no right to do this, and her pleading to him to finally say something, so this would be over. He only kept dozing off, unable to form a coherent response other than some slurred reassurances.

When he woke up again, she was gone. He couldn’t tell what time it was, or how long he was out, but his body hurt slightly less than when he was falling asleep. He tried to not move and just stared on ahead, thinking of the last time Levi came down there.


	4. Chapter 4

Levi scanned the small group gathered around the gate. It took so much effort to not sigh out loud that he was surprised he managed to keep it in. Normally, Levi trusted Erwin’s plans and held at least some semblance of hope, and if not hope perhaps just acknowledged the possibility of their mission being a success. This time he felt no such thing. He knew, was completely certain in fact, that this was going to be a huge disaster and the thought of all of them making it back in one piece was a mere wish, unattainable as always. In a brief moment, before he could stop his train of thought, Levi wondered who from the group would not be there tomorrow and realized that whoever it was, the corps would suffer.

It was a long time since he felt such a strong sense of dread fill him. It wasn’t simply the usual uneasiness or perhaps concern, this was straight up reluctance to comply with the orders. If he could, he would scream at Erwin for pushing this maniac idea, however he’s already done that once in Erwin’s office when the plan was explained to him and Hanji and it didn’t seem to help. Both of them have made it their mission for the next few days to talk Erwin out of it, but none of their efforts made it through. So here they were, a squad of twelve people in total, about to leave the walls.

The plan was shit in his humble opinion, relying on pure luck and the presence of a mythical creature which would supposedly help them. Except according to what he himself saw the last time, the mythical creature wasn’t neither so mythical nor magical that he’d trust it with his life. He cursed himself for looking back on missions a million times, but never as much as for this time. If he could just keep it for himself and wouldn’t have to report it to explain how they even survived, they wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

While Erwin was finishing the formalities with the Garrison guards, Levi kept quietly to himself, aside the group, on the verge of punching someone. Hard to say if the Garrison soldiers for the looks they were throwing the group, or Erwin for the bullshit, or himself perhaps to have it over with. 

“Oi,” Hanji has strolled by, away from the group and towards him. “You look like you’re going to murder the first person that looks at you in a weird way.”

“Bad luck I can’t,” Levi glarred on the offending soldiers.

Hanji sighed. “I don’t like this either you know. Normally I’d at least be happy we get to be outside of the walls for a while, but this time, I can’t help but think it’s not worth the costs.”

“It is not. And despite making the decision, Erwin is not going to be the one to pay them. This whole thing is shit.” Levi said, the reluctance seemingly growing bigger.

“Well, I gave out an order forbidding any dying today, so maybe we can survive the few hours and make it back. Legend or not, I don’t even care at this point, I just hope we all make it back.” Hanji sighed.

Before Levi had the chance to respond, an order to set out was given. The expedition was starting. The group readied their horses and got to formation. Levi went through the actions automatically without thinking, not properly comprehending what was going on until he heard the thud of the wall closing behind them.

He took a moment to appreciate the blue sky and vast plain, allowing himself to enjoy the sense of freedom before everything went to shit.

They rode forward in the general direction of the forest of giant trees in which they encountered what was supposedly their guardian deity, on their last mission. They were hoping to reach the forest without any encounters, partially because encounters on plain ground could get tricky and also because according to Erwin’s theory titans trailing behind them would get their saving grace to appear.

Soon enough the first titan was spotted. Levi clutched the reins a little tighter and called out to the group, reminding them to push forward and not engage. The titan didn’t look too interested at first but then decided to indeed follow the group. As always, where there is one titan, there are more titans. Quickly after the first spotting, a few others were seen on both sides of the group as well as some further away in the distance. A few of them started gathering behind the group, steadily closing the gap between them and the rear of the formation. 

Levi clenched his jaw, reminding himself to not engage even though his instinct was screaming otherwise at this point. If those titans reached them before the forest, they would need all the luck to last a few minutes. Even if they managed to reach the forest first, without a miracle they’ll be fucked six ways to sunday. 

The first trees appearing on the horizon brought little peace to his mind and he urged the horses to just move a little faster. Maybe if they spread out fast enough in the forest they could lose some of the titans in the back. Maybe if they gained the advantage of using their 3DM gear in the trees they could get rid of the titans. Levi pushed his horse as much as he could, bordering on breaking the formation. Once they’re dead no formation is going to help them anyway.

Levi could physically feel his life-span shortening as the trees got closer oh-so-slowly. It gave him the time to curse all the titans he could, to curse Erwin with his crazy-ass bushes for eyebrows that clearly grew into his brain as well and obstructed his logical thinking and the urge to stay alive. He also cursed whatever it was that helped them on the expeditions. He didn’t remember asking for any help and would much rather rely on the people of his corps than some legend that came alive.

He could see others from the group getting nervous as well and would probably intervene with the titans if they wouldn’t be so close to the forest already. Just a few more seconds and the front of the formation gave out an order to prepare to switch to 3DM gear. A few more seconds and the first shouts to switch spread through the plains. A few more and the formation started left the ground one person at a time.

Levi let out a small relieved exhale when he finally felt the swish of the air around him. The ground was getting further away and the horses with some spare resources stayed behind. For a moment the titans in the back disappeared and everything seemed calm.

Until he heard shouting from the front of the formation.


	5. Chapter 5

He woke up to the rays of the early morning sun shining through the window of his treehouse. After the first major rain he experienced outside, he decided a treehouse would be needed. After the first winter, he was awfully grateful for that goddamned rain. The sun kept shining on as he stirred in his makeshift bed, not wanting to get up from the cozy and warm sheets. There was no rush. Maybe he would need to stock up again, but that was to be done during the night. The titans and the Garrison troops would both be asleep, allowing him to gather some necessary supplies. 

Once he finally pushed up from the bed, he took a moment to appreciate the peace and calm. He decided to have some tea with breakfast and a nostalgic smile made its way on his face as he set the water to boil. There was still some wood burning from when he set the fire up for the night and he carefully put some more wood in, to keep the fire from dying out.

Once the tea was done, he grabbed some simple breakfast and enjoyed the time eating it. There was beauty in simplicity and happiness in days as simple as this. The world was cruel and merciless, but it was also beautiful. He thought about this, as he finished the rest of his tea and a feeling of loneliness and guilt crept upon him. He sighed and set out to clean the dishes. Some days were better, some were worse. Sometimes the alcohol at the back of the cabinet was his only friend. Sometimes he wished he could pour it down the drain. 

He stepped into the main part of the treehouse and checked for his food supply. There was enough for a couple of days, but he would have to go hunting again soon if he wanted to eat something else than the long lasting military rations. Those he had enough in case he wouldn’t be able to make it to the wall for some time.

As he stood in front of the stove with fire burning in its bottom part, he wondered about what the afternoon would be like. Sometimes the days dragged on, boredom getting the better of him and he decided to go and take a look at the village nearby. Sometimes he spent the day flying through the forest, enjoying the feeling of the air against his skin. Sometimes he decided to stay in and read a book if he managed to get any. 

He blinked and for a moment the treehouse disappeared. He felt cold blinked a few more times as the treehouse in front of him switched to a dark room and back. He shook his head to make sense of the images flashing in front of his eyes. No such luck as the forest appeared and disappeared, switched to flickering torches and back to the treehouse. With a sinking feeling he tried to bring his hand to rub over his eyes but only heard the sound of rattling metal and then the treehouse with the forest were gone.

Instead he was back in his cell with the cold stone walls, the flickering torch, the thin mattress, the shackles and the stains.

As far as he could tell he was left in solitude for a while, however he couldn't estimate the time and the recent events kind of got jumbled in his mind. He wasn't so sure how much of what he remembered actually happened and in what order, which he probably owed to the frequent black-outs. To some extent he was grateful for not remembering everything or being able to keep track of time. Ignorance could be a bliss, he decided. When he was awake his mind kept going back to his tree and the freedom. He thought about whether he would see it ever again, and came up with no answer. The lack of interrogations was also concerning him, and he wondered whether they were trying to come up with a different way to get him to talk. His mind kept wandering and torturing him with thoughts of all kinds.

When Levi appeared in front of his cell once again, he was glad. At least until he realized what Levi’s presence meant. He shivered at the thought and cursed for himself as Levi walked into the cell.

“I hope you enjoyed your alone time.” Levi snarled. “We’re back to where we began. I still want the answers.”

“And I still can’t give them to you.” he sighed.

“There has to be something. No one simply lives outside the walls. You had to get there somehow. You had to know how to kill titans. You had to be able to survive. I think there’s plenty of what you can tell me.” Levi was naming off and glaring down at him, keeping a slight distance.

“There really isn’t.” he shook his head.

“Crap.” Levi spit out at the sentence. “How did you survive outside the walls? How long?”

“Long enough apparently. You need to stop.” he sighed.

“I’ll stop once I figure you shit out. Give me a name.” Levi pressed.

“I don’t have one.” 

“Bullshit.” Levi called. “Why were you there? No one just survives there. Why?” Levi questioned.

“I was free,” he said.

“Well you better have enjoyed your freedom while it lasted, not many get that sort of a chance.” Levi growled.

“That is not my fault.” he sighed.

“That I don’t care about.” Levi said, stepping on his leg. “Name. Year. Something.” Levi said as he squirmed his leg underneath Levi’s foot. “I don’t care what. Give me something.”

“I can’t.” he gasped.

“That’s crap. Cut it out. It’s getting boring.” Levi said as he stepped away again.

“No. Kill me if that helps anything, but I won’t. So go ahead, I should have been dead anyway by now, so why don’t you just do it? Simple as that. Just get rid of me.” he said, staring at Levi daringly. 

“I’m the one reminder, right? Am I keeping you awake these nights? Do I make you question your decisions? Am I making you regret?” he asked. “So why not? It’s so easy, just get it over with.” he forced through his teeth, his jaw clenched in anger.

“Stop sprouting that shit again and say something that will fucking make sense for once.” Levi growled.

“Think harder then, maybe it will start making sense,” he pushed through gritted teeth. The air was forced out of his lungs with a kick.

“You probably don’t realize it,” Levi growled. “But talking to me is your only chance of ever getting out of here.” He kicked a few more times for good measure. “So think again. Who are you? How did you get out there? When?” 

“And what would that help me?” he said. “You won’t like the truth and then I’ll be fucked even more. Great strategy Cap,” he mocked and shouted when Levi stomped on his calf.

“That’s for me to decide once I know the truth. And you’re lucky that mad woman wouldn’t let me use any tools to help this process.” Levi kicked his ribs. “Give me something.”

“I can’t!” he gasped through another kick.

“Why? No stupid loyalty is going to save you here,” Levi said. “News-flash: help is not coming. No one is getting you out of here.”

“I know. Still, there’s nothing I can tell you,” he gasped through the pain spreading over his body.

“Then you must be even stupider than you look. I’m surprised you managed to survive longer than a day out there. The one thing I don’t care about is what you think you can or can’t tell me,” Levi said through gritted teeth and slammed his knee into his side. “Now start talking.”

“Gah-” he gasped. “I can’t help you- Fuck! Is this making you feel better?!”

“So far not,” Levi barked out. “Explain what the fuck were you doing out there. That would help me.”

“I already told you! I lived there! Nothing more!”

“How do you know so much about the Corps?” Levi said with another stomp.

“Ah! I don’t!” he shouted.

“Cut the crap! Unless you just so happened to guess the formations, strategies, even names of the members,” Levi said and grasped him by the front of the shirt, pulling him forward. “Then you’re a spy or a traitor or both.” Levi slammed his fist into his face, pushed and tossed him against the wall.

“No! Gah- I-I’m not!” he shouted, his eyelids falling closed. “I’m not. I swear.”

“And why would I believe you?” Levi said and took a few steps back. “If you’re not a spy, then what are you?”

He just shook his head, pulling at his arms and rattling the shackles. 

“Where did you get the uniform?” Levi said, walking closer. “Where did you steal it? Who from?! How?!” 

“It’s mine! I didn’t! It’s mine!” he shook his head, shouting.

“What do you mean ‘yours’?” Levi growled, slamming his knee into his stomach.

He spit out blood and doubled over, coughing. “Nothing,” he gasped. “I- I can’t.”

“Answer the question.” Levi said with his foot pushing his knee into the ground.

“No! No! Stop! Please.” he sobbed, coughed and spit out more blood.

“Would you look at that.” Levi sneered, pushed him and walked further away. “Answer the questions and it’ll stop.”

“And what then?” his voice trembled. “You don’t want what’s coming if you’ll find the answers. Some things should just be left alone.”

“And you’re full of shit. Do you really think if you keep quiet you’ll be able to return to your rabbit-hole outside?” Levi said, scowling.

“No. I’m dead either way. I’d prefer to keep what I know for myself,” he said and looked up at Levi with a hard gaze.

The door leading to the corridor rattled and steps echoed as the person walked towards the cell.

“Levi,” Erwin said as he stopped in front of the cell. “I see you’re still getting nowhere. Leave it for now.” Erwin nodded towards the door.

Levi huffed and walked out, taking his leave and stalking down the corridor.

“Long time no see, Erwin.” he nodded.

“I have to admit, your persistence is admirable.” Erwin said, scratching his chin. “However we need to get somewhere. I can’t afford to keep you here forever. I’m certain you’re familiar with the military police.” Erwin paused and walked slightly closer.

“They will soon become interested and I won’t be able to hide you anymore. If there won’t be any progress, I will need to shift our focus and resources to more promising activities, which could result in you ending up in the military police’s jail. They might try to accuse you of treason.” Erwin continued, his gaze running over the cell indifferently before finally settling on him.

“How long?” he sighed.

“A couple days. Something over a week at best.” Erwin shrugged.

“So you finally realized I have nothing to offer?” he asked, looking up at Erwin.

“No. I believe there’s a lot you can offer, but there’s a limit to how much I’m willing to fight for it and how much it is worth.” Erwin said. 

He hummed and nodded in understanding.

“Do the new circumstances change your mind?” Erwin asked, his voice almost sounded hopeful.

“Unfortunately no. Not really.” he said without hesitation.

“I see. Well there’s still time, think it over. There won’t be a chance to change this decision once it’s done.” Erwin nodded and walked out of the cell, locking the doors and walking away.

As Erwin’s steps were further and further away, his head hung low and he sighed.

So this was it.

Not the titans.

Not the outside world.

None of the things he saw as a danger would be the reason for his end.

Instead, it would be the human race itself.

_____


	6. Chapter 6

It seemed like the days simply came and went, the only thing making them different and keeping them from turning into a steady flow of time was his habit of marking them into a counter on a piece of tree bark. Although the number of lines was starting to get fuzzy in his mind as new ones were added fast it seemed.

He stretched out his arms as he flew through the forest, in between the branches and higher up towards the sky. It took some time, but he eventually reached the edge of the forest and stood on one of the branches, looking out towards the plains. 

Last streaks of orange and red tinted the sky as the sun was steadily rising. He looked at the wall standing at the horizon, seemingly so tiny and far away. He sat down and leaned against the trunk of the tree. The warmth of the rays on his face contrasted with the crisp of the morning air. 

He caught sight of a small titan lingering in the distance, but paid it no mind as it did to him. They simply left each other be as they were. More titans would be waking up and trotting around soon, but he didn’t worry too much. If it came to the worst, he could deal with a couple ugly faces. 

The morning slowly dragged into an early midday. He was about to leave back into his treehouse, when a sound stopped him. Could it be…? 

No… 

But, what else?

The sound grew louder and he was certain that it was the one thing he didn’t want to hear. Thuds of hooves against the ground. Soon, the Scouts appeared on the horizon. What on earth were they doing here?! Yes, he was seeing them around more and more often, but still, why? He sighed.

The formation was smaller than usual. Upon closer inspection he concluded that it was only a slightly bigger recon squad, about ten people. It appeared another loud noise was following them. 

_Of fucking course,_ he thought. _Where are the scouts, there are titans. Great. So much for a nice morning._

He shuffled on the branch and then decided to hide into one higher and further in the back. The Scouts were slowly nearing the forest with four titans running behind them. They should have been able to get rid of them a long time ago, yet they didn’t. _Why?_

He decided to move even further back and lost sight of the group. He got ready to jump in if it was needed, but the situation looked very weird. There was too little of them and they seemed to not care about the titans almost breathing on their necks. 

He racked his mind for an explanation, but wasn’t able to come up with one. Soon he was distracted by the zipping sound of 3DM gear. His head snapped towards the edge of the forest and he saw the Scouts swish below him, the horses abandoned. He waited a little longer and the titans appeared as well, ignoring him but running after the Scouts that were currently spreading along the forest. 

He followed as well, hoping they had a good plan and an even better luck. The titans were closing in, but the Scouts just went on as if nothing was happening. 

_For fuck’s sake! Do you have a death wish?!_

His mind screamed. He tried to make sense of the situation below him, but nothing reasonable came up. His thoughts were completely halted when he looked to the front and saw another two titans running towards them. He was flying high enough to see how bad this was getting even from the rear.

“No, no, no! Fuck!” He cursed under his breath. 

The Scouts were forced to engage the titans in the front, but no one acknowledged the ones in the back.

His heart was thumping in his ears. His thoughts were a jumbled mess. If he went in now, everything could go to shit. One wrong movement and he appears right in front of them. Yet, if he’d let it be, there was a good chance of someone getting seriously injured.

_What good would that do?! Useless deaths!_

“Fuck!” he cursed at himself once again.

One of the titans reached out and his legs sprung into action. His grapples shot into the titan’s nape. He swished forward and cut beneath him as fast as humanly possible. Detaching the grapples, he fell, shot them again and flew beneath a titan’s arm. He shot up and back down in a spin, cutting through the titan’s neck. 

He shot the grapples into the last titan’s shoulder, swung around and cut down on the nape, trying to get out of there as fast as possible.

Suddenly, he felt a tug on one of his wires. His blood ran cold as he realized the grapple got stuck in the titan flesh momentarily, halting his movements, slowing him down and throwing him off course. 

His eyes widened. He turned and shot the other grapple into a nearby branch to balance himself, but in the haste of the situation, he wasn’t able to pay attention to what was happening around him.

Something threw him down from behind and he rolled on the ground. As soon as he could, he sprung to his feet and held up his blades.

He looked up. 

Catching a glimpse of the person charging at him, he froze. 

_How foolish._

A huge mistake, he realized a moment later when another pair of swords blocked his and a knee in his stomach made him double over.

He quickly got a hold on himself, pushing back against the blades and kicking the person in front of him to their chest, to get some distance between them. 

They stumbled backwards slightly and glared at him, but something behind them caught their attention momentarily and they paused instead of charging again.

He paused as well, staring at the person in front of him in disbelief.

It really was Levi.

He froze again. 

Then he realized Levi was glaring at him, which meant Levi had found him. He cursed once again and cast a glance around to find an escape route.

To his surprise, they were surrounded. Better yet, he was surrounded. Erwin and Hanji on his sides, Levi’s squad with Moblit on the branches above them, the shifter and two rookies behind him.

His knees shook and his breath got stuck in his throat. His eyes were wide, desperately searching for a hole. He shifted slightly and loosened his stance.

“At least call off the idiotic shifter. More ruckus will only get more titans.” he growled, his gaze firmly set on Levi.

No one moved for a few seconds, until Levi gave a slight nod of his head after which Eren lowered the hand readied in front of his mouth. 

His eyes darted around, searching for something, at least a little something that he could try. There was no way he would just give in. Especially not with these people pointing their blades at him like that and the looks they were casting him.

“Who are you?” Erwin’s firm voice startled him.

It was emotionless, cold, and the words hurt. 

He looked around, eyes wide.

They didn’t even remember him.

He didn’t have to ask. The looks on their faces said it all. Erwin’s voice said it all and this fucking over-thought trap said more than words ever could. He trembled as cold swept over him. They had forgotten.

That was the last final push he needed. 

He dashed towards the blonde rookie, and the team swooped down to stop him from tackling the kid, but the tackle never came.

Once he was as close as he could get, he shot off the grapples of his gear into a tree and sprung himself up.

Aiming as high as possible, he used the tree trunks to shoot the grapples into, instead of the thin branches. A difficult, but very effective technique. He swung on the cables, using the gas and the momentum for getting as much speed as he could. 

He didn’t look back as he rushed through the forest like mad, praying to whatever god there might be that it would help. And it would have. He was the fastest from the group. He would have outrun them sooner or later if it wasn’t for the aberrant that he saw from the corner of his eye, preparing itself to jump.

He immediately retracted his wires and fell down as the aberrant jumped right above his head. He shot forward but glanced behind him to watch the titan.

However, it wasn’t interested in him anymore.

He saw the titan holding Hanji tightly in its wrist, dangling her above its wide opened jaw.

His instincts kicked in. He shot into the tree in front of him, pushed away and backwards. Spinning, he charged towards the titan, drawing his blades out and cutting through the nape before it could move one bit.

The titan slumped to the ground, releasing Hanji from its grip. 

He settled on a branch to figure out the direction, but got kicked down before he could move. The fall was short and he couldn’t send his hooks off fast enough. He landed on his back and the air was knocked out of his lungs.

He scrambled to his feet as fast as he could. His blades detached when he hit the ground and were scattered away. He didn’t have enough time to gather them as he caught a glimpse of Levi charging at him again.

He moved to block the oncoming kick to his ribs, but managed only barely and was forced to move back. Levi swiped his elbow towards his head and he barely ducked underneath. He was about to tackle Levi, but froze at the thought of making an attack.

Instead, he received another kick into his stomach, which forced him backwards. His back hit a tree and he gasped. Levi’s fist connected with his stomach.

Before he could react, Levi’s elbow smashed into his temple and black spots clouded his vision. His knees shook and a kick to his tight made him slump down onto his knees and lean into the tree for support.

He looked up just as a blade was stuck underneath his chin, ending dangerously close to his neck. He froze once again, leaning away from it as much as he could.

Glancing up, he saw Levi’s glare full of pure hatred and he trembled, trying his best to not let emotion show on his face.

The rest of the squad soon surrounded them and he glanced around at them, all ready for combat with swords drawn, the only shreds of sympathy he could find appearing in Hanji’s softened frown and slightly lifted eyebrows.

He sighed and closed his eyes, willing for all of this to be just another nightmare. But it wasn’t and the sound of shackles and the feeling of cold iron restricting his wrist made him open his eyes again. He saw Erwin observing him carefully, standing up as he finished putting the shackles on. The balde underneath his chin lowered slightly, but not completely.

“I’ll ask again. Who are you?” Erwin said with a stern voice.

“No one important.” He sighed. “What did I do?” 

“Resistance.” Erwin stated as a matter of fact.

“Yeah. I didn’t want to be beaten to death.” He glared at Erwin.

“You are also suspected of stealing military supplies and being a titan shifter, threatening humanity.” Erwin said, frowning.

“Damnit Erwin!” He exclaimed. “I saved your fucking ungrateful asses! Repeatedly! On multiple occasions! Just let me go!” 

The blade pressed back against his throat and he backed his head into the tree. 

“Choose your words carefully!” Levi growls at him.

“Levi! Don’t!” Hanji called out and after a second, Levi backed off slightly with a scoff.

“You seem to know who we are.” Erwin said and quirked an eyebrow. “Well, we have to bring you in for questioning anyway.” 

After hearing Erwin’s words, he panicked. His eyes widened and he could feel the cold sweat running down his back. His gaze flickered around in desperate search for a way out before locking back on Erwin. 

“You don’t. You won’t find anything. I’m not important and I can’t be helpful. This is a waste of your time.” His words came out somewhat faster than before, the panic seeping into his voice despite all his tries.

“I think that’s for us to decide.” Erwin said, almost amused at the change in his behaviour. 

He noticed Hanji hesitantly stepping forward, but Erwin motioned towards the edge of the forest before she could do anything. Levi grabbed his arm and pulled him upright. Erwin’s words kept ringing in his ears and everything around him blurred. His legs felt like they would give out before Levi managed to haul him up to his feet at all. 

He buckled to the ground and focused completely on throwing off the force pulling him up. There was no plan or even a thought about whether it would work and how. The only thought on his mind was that if they bring him in, he’s not getting out anymore. The shackles holding his hands back rattled and bit into his skin as he pulled on them, trying to twist away from the hands grabbing him. He thrashed around and away as much as he could in the weird position he found himself, halfway up and halfway fallen to the ground. 

Shouts and hurried stomps surrounded him, prompting him to push harder in case this was the last chance he had. However, his range of motion got restricted firstly from the left, then from the right, and then someone was pushing him forward. On his knees, squeezed between three soldiers, he couldn’t move much anymore. All of the weight was piled on him and before he found the last bits of energy to try to throw them off, a sword was pushed to his side, ready to pierce at any moment. 

His breath got stuck in his throat and he froze, dread overflowing him and cold sweat running down his back. They slowly pushed him up, giving him a shove forward and pushing on the sword as a reminder of how much of a bad idea it would be to move.

He was staring at the ground as the group surrounded them and they walked through the forest. He didn’t dare glance at them, thoughts running through his head at the speed of light. It was all so confusing. The thought of going back inside the walls almost didn’t make sense to him, and though he knew these people, they all seemed to have changed so much he almost couldn’t recognize them anymore.

He wondered if perhaps he could try to run away once more, but the blade at his side seemed like a good enough reason not to. He was hyper aware of Levi’s hand pressing into his back and the glare piercing holes through him. There was no way out.

They kept walking in tense silence until they reached the edge of the forest. He was pushed towards a smaller cart with a horse harnessed to it. After a few sharp whistles, the rest of the horses appeared and the squad mounted them as he was forced onto the cart.

He kept his eyes fixated on the floor of the cart as they started moving and the sound of hooves filled the air. A few orders were given out in the front, which he simply ignored. The forest was steadily disappearing behind them. 

He cast a cautious glance in the direction of his home, sending a silent goodbye and a wish to be back soon its way, but as the familiar landscape kept disappearing from his sight, he looked back into the cart and refused to look up again.


	7. Chapter 7

The torches on the corridor walls flickered, some slowly dying out. The cells were left in darkness, with shadows creeping on the walls. There were no windows, so he could not estimate the time. He only assumed it was night, because they came to the HQ quite late, and nobody showed up to the cells anymore. The soldiers were most likely sleeping.

With nothing better to do than stare at the wall in front of him and listen to his thoughts, he started dozing off, his head falling forward and slipping in and out of sleep. He jerked awake a couple times, feeling as if he was about to fall from his tree. When he didn’t see his home, he panicked and pulled at the shackles to free his hands, but the shackles stayed firmly in the wall and he eventually calmed down. 

He was pulled out from the light sleep by the sound of the front door opening. He glanced cautiously into the corridor. His sight landed on Hanji as she balanced a tray and walked down the corridor towards his cell. She smiled at him when she saw him looking at her.

“Hey there! Good morning!” she chirped with enthusiasm as she unlocked the door to the cell and walked inside. “I figured you’d probably be hungry by now, so I brought you some breakfast.” she said, putting the tray in front of him.

He glanced at her and then at the tray before him. “I don’t think this is how you’re supposed to treat a suspect.” He frowned in suspicion.

“Well, maybe not. But I believe in being innocent until proven otherwise.” Hanji said as she reached to unlock one of the shackles. “The only thing you have done so far is saved our lives, and I don’t consider that illegal.” she chuckled a bit. 

He looked at her in disbelief, but slowly reached his hand, now free of the shackles, towards the food, as he saw Hanji smile encouragingly. He hasn't eaten for a while, so even though he only received the standard tasteless military rations, he ate them quite quickly.

“Oh, by the way,” Hanji said, tapping her chin. “I did the testing on your blood and it turned out you, indeed, are not a titan.” She chuckled. “So you’re cleared of any suspicion there. I’m afraid though, Erwin still wants to know what you were doing out there and how did you get there, so he will want to question you on that.”

He frowned and stared at the ground as Hanji reached for his hand and locked it back into the shackles.

“Maybe you could tell me your name?” Hanji asked, trying to catch his sight, but he only shook his head and kept glancing away.

“I haven’t really used one for years,” he murmured.

“I see.” She sighed. “You know, you kind of remind me of someone, but I can’t quite figure out who. Are you sure we haven’t met before?” 

He only shook his head again.

“Okay then. If there is anything you’d want to talk about?” Hanji asked, trying to get him into at least some kind of conversation, but he didn’t respond.

“Or maybe you could just tell me about how it is out there,” She pointed out and sat down cross legged opposite of him. “Nothing specific if you don’t want to, just… I imagine it must have been pretty great.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. Hanji perked up on the spot when he seemed to catch on to the subject. “Usually it’s mostly very calm and quiet. Apart from the occasional titan and some supply scavenging there’s really nothing dictating how to use your time or where to go. You need to be able to rely on yourself, but if you do that sacrifice, you get so much freedom in return.” 

“I’m sorry we robbed you of that,” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t think anyone could see that perspective before.”

“I know,” he sighed. “But it also seems not likely I’ll ever get it back.” He turned his head away, stopping the talk before the lump in his throat could be heard.

“I’m so sorry,” Hanji sighed. “You’d probably be better off if we just didn’t pry into things we didn’t need to.” 

He hummed and kept his gaze on the floor.

“There are probably plenty of people in the Corps that would give a lot to have that life too,” she continued.

“I know,” he said. “That’s probably why I’m in here in the first place.”

Hanji hummed. “If you don’t mind me asking, I was wondering… Surely you must have been aware of the risk of being seen if you helped us out. Why do so then?”

“I-” he sighed. “Respect was a part of it, amongst others. I also couldn’t just stand by and watch good people die.” He shuffled a little and leaned against the wall.

“That’s admirable.” Hanji smiled. “Not everyone here would do the same.”

“Maybe,” he said as he closed his eyes. They kept quiet for a while.

“Wasn’t it lonely out there?” Hanji asked, making him glance at her before closing his eyes again.

“Sometimes. But you can get used to it. The peace and quiet is really nice, especially after-” he paused. 

“After what?” she jumped in.

He shook his head slightly and continued. “It does leave you with a lot of time to think. And the beginnings were rough, but it wasn’t so awful as the other options.” He pulled a strained smile and shrugged.

“Well, I think company would be the one thing I’d miss the most,” Hanji said, tapping her chin in thought. “Maybe there is a positive in this,” she looked at him and beamed. “We both have a new friend now!”

His sight fell down to the floor and his shoulders slumped.

“Hm?” she frowned. “Have I said something wrong?”

He shook his head but didn’t look up.

“Are you sure?” she said, concerned. “I’m sorry if I hit a nerve or something…”

“No it’s fine,” he pushed out. “Isn’t it getting late though? Wouldn’t want to anger Levi or something and make him come down here sooner than necessary.”

“I see,” Hanji sighed. “I should get going then.” She picked up the tray and shot him one more glance as she walked out of the cell, closing the door behind her, and down the corridor.

_____

The time dragged on as he was left in the dark and silent cell, leaning against the wall. Sometimes he’d close his eyes and imagine the bright green leaves on his tree and the blue sky above his little house. He thought of what the breeze felt like and what did the birds sound like. However, the images never stayed for long enough and were replaced by the sight of the walls surrounding him. 

He even thought that they may have forgotten him, and wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. At least until he heard the door to the corridor rattle. He looked up and wished that they would indeed have forgotten him.

Down the corridor walked Erwin followed by angrily looking Levi. They stopped in front of his cell and he cursed himself for not being used to Levi’s glares anymore. 

“Hanji has told me the results of the tests.” Erwin said, cutting straight to the case. “That clears any suspicion of you being a shifter, but there are still some things I would like to know.” his face was unreadable with no sign of emotion whatsoever. This was simply another business to take care of, to him.

“Let’s start with the basics again. What’s your name?” Erwin asked.

He didn’t answer, only kept staring at the floor in front of him as Levi’s stare was drilling holes through him.

“We need to identify you somehow.” Erwin remarked after a while.

“No you don’t. I’m not important.” he said.

“Answer the damn question.” Levi growled, but he only received silence in response.

After a while of not getting anything else, Erwin sighted. “Okay then. How did you get behind the walls?”

“I went out there,” he shrugged. “What else do you want me to say? No, I didn’t magically teleport. I don’t come from the distant lands and I surprise, didn’t materialize out of thin air,” he scoffed. 

Levi’s lack of patience was starting to show with a roll of his eyed and intensification of the glare. Erwin cast him a short sideways glance, as to remind him not to lash out.

“I’d prefer some more specific truth,” Erwin paused. “How did you learn to use the ODM gear?”

A few minutes passed without any answer.

“How come you know the Scouts?” Erwin continued, seemingly unaffected by the lack of responses.

The silence hasn’t seized.

“You need to give us at least something.” Erwin sighted.

“No. No, I don’t. Even if I did, it won’t be helpful. You don’t want to know Erwin, ignorance is a bliss,” he said shaking his head.

“Oh I disagree,” Erwin remarked, but got cut off.

“Then feel free to rot in here for the rest of your pathetic days.” Levi barked at him.

“And what’s the alternative?” he questioned, daring Levi to come up with an answer.

“So far,” Erwin jumped in, before they had the chance to escalate the conversation into a full blown argument, “I would assume that you have some ties to the Scouts. Am I correct?”

“Leave it Erwin. I told you I’m not important. I can’t be helpful to you.” he glared. “You’re wasting your time here.” he shifted his sight back to the floor.

“I believe you have a lot of insight, from living outside, that could be very helpful to us.” Erwin said. “How long have you lived there?”

“Stop probing into it. I can’t give you any answer you would want to hear.” he said, frowning.

“Oh really? And why might that be?” Erwin asked, his eyebrows raising up.

He only kept quiet.

_____


	8. Chapter 8

The ride kept dragging on to the point where he wasn’t sure whether he was glad that they hadn't arrived yet or he wanted to finally be over and done with. Since they passed through the gate inside the walls, he was too nervous to look around, closing his eyes shut at moments, willing the claustrophobic feeling away.

It surprised him when the cart stopped and he was soon dragged out by his arm and yanked in the direction of a small building standing somewhat away from the rest of the complex of buildings in front of them. He was led inside, Levi’s hand squeezing his arm painfully. They passed through a few locked doors and poorly lit corridors, walked down a set of stone stairs, through another locked door, into a bigger corridor with cells with iron bars on one side.

He was brought to one of the cells with a thin mattress on the ground. Levi locked each of his wrists into shackles on the wall, slightly above his head as he was sitting down. The iron was cold and the air around him was heavy.

The iron bars rattled as Levi shut them closed forcefully after walking out of the cell, and locked them, casting him one more angry glare. Soon enough, the doors leading to the corridor were closed shut and locked too. 

The other cells seemed to be empty and the place was quiet. There were no windows and the only light came from a few torches on the wall outside the cells. The air wouldn’t budge. His cell was virtually empty.

He sighed and let his head drop down. His chest felt tight and he furiously blinked his tears away. The walls were looming around him and he focused his sight on the floor in front of him. There wasn’t much else he could do, but wait and think. He didn’t want to think. Thinking would only take him back outside, home, then he would realize he may not return any time soon, and it would take him straight to everything that happened before, and to his self pity. He didn’t need that, not at all.

Soon, the doors leading to the corridor rattled again as they were carefully pulled open. He didn’t look up, not wanting to know what comes next. The person walked towards his cell and unlocked the door, trying to cause as little annoying noise as possible.

“Hey there.” Hanji’s calm voice made him glance up.

She walked inside the cell, holding a tray with what looked like medical supplies. She smiled at him as she sat down in front of him and put the tray next to her.

“Hanji?” he said with a low voice, his eyes darting over her, almost not believing that it was really her. “Glad you’re still alive.” he said softly, but his gaze fell down towards the floor and his face remained empty, not showing any emotion.

“Yeah, thanks.” she looked him over curiously. “How come you know my name?”

“I-” He hesitated and then looked away with a shrug.

“Okay. It seems you know the Corps quite well. Would you tell me how?” she tried asking, but he only shook his head.

“Would you tell me who you are? Or maybe something about you” she tried again, only for him to shake his head in refusal once more. “Nothing at all?” She waited for a moment before continuing.

“Okay. Well, what I need to do now, is take a blood sample from you to compare it with Eren’s and find out whether you are a shifter or not. I also took some stuff so that I can help you if you need to treat anything?” her eyebrows rose as she started slowly preparing a needle.

“I’m fine, only a couple bruises.” he said, keeping his gaze on the floor.

“Okay.” Hanji nodded and held his arm as she pushed the needle in, drawing some out into a test-tube.

“Before I test this,” she said, putting the supplies away, “Are you a shifter?”

“No.” he said, casting her a calm glance.

Hanji nodded, “Don’t worry then, I’ll prove it.” She waited for a moment, keeping her gaze at him, before taking a long breath. “Actually I- Thank you, for saving me back there.”

“Don’t,” he shook his head with a small smile. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“Why though?” Hanji asked with, her eyes widening. “Don’t take me wrong, I’m grateful, really. But if you wouldn’t, you’d still be out there. Why chose me, over your freedom?” 

“I- Because it was right,” he said.

“Thank you.” Hanji smiled.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” he responded with a small smile of his own.

“I should return to work now, but I’ll come back once I know the results, in case you maybe needed anything or wanted to chat a bit.” She said and took the rest of her stuff.

He nodded as she left the cell and locked it behind her. She walked down the corridor and through the bigger doors at the end, leaving him in silence.

_____


	9. Chapter 9

_“Aaaaand stop! Everyone get here!” Mat called, holding a stopwatch, after the last person in the formation made it behind the finish line. He checked their time while waiting for them to gather around._

_“Okay, this is the best time of today. No major mistakes, but I can tell you’re all getting tired, so that’s it. We’re done for the day. Rest of it is yours to relax, and I mean it.” He said, sending a sharp look to one of the women on the team, who in response blushed and shrank._

_“You’ve all earned it,” he continued, “so I don’t want to see you doing anything productive, otherwise I will order you a mandatory vacation. We’ll talk about the plan for tomorrow during dinner. Till then, you’re dismissed.” Mat said, sending them away with a shooing motion._

_“Yes, Captain!” They all saluted, though the corners of their mouths were twitching if they were not outright grinning._

_After receiving a pointed look, most of the squad left while two of them stayed behind._

_“Good training today.” the guy that stayed behind said, patting Mat on the shoulder. He had an undercut, while the rest of his dark hair was tied back in a short tail._

_“Thanks Zane.” Mat said, nodding to him._

_“I’ll see you later?” Zane asked, stepping away towards the main building._

_“Sure. Just catch me then.” Mat nodded._

_Zane waved his hand and turned around, walking towards the door leading to the building._

_“What can I help you with?” Mat said with a smile, turning towards the woman from his squad, waiting off to the side._

_“I would actually need that vacation you were mentioning, if it is okay?” she asked, shifting back and forth on her feet with her hand behind her back._

_“Sure is, Leena. I can give you the papers now if you have time to come to my office?” Mat said, motioning towards the building._

_“That would be great, thank you.” she nodded and followed him towards the door._

_“So what do you have planned?” Mat asked as they were reaching the door._

_“A couple days just to go home, visit my family and spend some time with them. Before it gets too busy here, you know?” Leena said, twirling a strand of her long messy orange hair that with strands of different lengths, all doing their own thing._

_“I see.” Mat chuckled. “I don’t see any problem with that. How is it going at home by the way?” he asked as they walked through the corridors filled with soldiers bustling around._

_“Really good, actually.” Leena beamed. “At least from what I know from their letters, both the bakery and the pharmacy are doing great. It has been a successful season it seems.”_

_“I’m glad to hear that.” Mat nodded, opening the door to his office._

_He walked straight towards the table in front of the window, opened one of the drawers on its side and pulled out a paper form. He filled in a bunch of rows before handing the paper to Leena._

_“Here you go. Enjoy your time back home.” He smiled as she took the paper and thanked him, leaving the office._

_Mattias glanced at the stack of papers on his left side and sighed, taking the first one and putting it in front of him. If there was something he really wished his job wouldn’t include, it was the shitload of paperwork._

_He barely managed to get through a quarter of the pile, when a knock on the door made him lift his head._

_“Come in!” he called, glad for the distraction._

_The door opened and Zane walked inside, all of his attention focused on the two cups he was holding._

_“Hello.” he said once he managed to close the door behind him and walked to the table._

_“Hi. What do you have?” Mat asked, peeking into the cup set in front of him on the table._

_“Your coffee.” Zane answered as he sat down into a chair in front of the table, taking a sip from his cup._

_“I thought you were against me drinking coffee this late?” Mat said, raising his eyebrows and inspecting the cup just to find out it indeed was coffee. It smelled really good._

_“I am. But you look like you need it. Maybe it will make dealing with that pile a little less of a hell.” Zane said, nodding towards the stack of unfilled papers and forms._

_“Oh. Thank you.” Mat said, surprise evident on his face, something telling him that was not all there was to it. On the other hand, he decided if there was something else, he probably didn’t want to know until he didn’t have a choice. So he made the choice to not ask and take a sip from his cup instead._

_“What is in that stack anyway?” Zane asked after a while, glaring at the papers as if it would make them disappear._

_Mat sighed. “I’ve been getting a lot of reports from my section about gear failures and malfunctions, so I’m going through those and trying to find if they came from the same order. The rest are requests for gear inspections.” he rubbed his hands over his face._

_“Do you know if other sections have similar issues?” Zane asked, frowning._

_“I haven’t had the chance to ask yet, but I will need to soon.” Mat replied before focusing back on his cup._

_“Well, I could help you with looking over the reports.” Zane suggested, making Mat snap his head up to look at him._

_“You don’t have to.” Mat shook his head._

_“No, I don’t. But I can.” Zane shrugged, reaching over to take a few of the papers from the pile._

_“Thank you.” Mat said, putting another paper in front of him._

_“Don’t thank me yet. Erwin met me on the way and sent news you won’t like.” Zane said, casting his sight down._

_“What is it?” Mat asked impatiently._

_“He wants to push the expedition idea he told you about earlier.”_

_….._


	10. Chapter 10

They came again a few times after that, asking the same questions, getting the same answers. They usually left him alone for the day when he didn’t answer. Sometimes Hanji would stop by with food, sometimes she wouldn’t. They were slowly losing patience with him and he could see it. They knew it was a waste of time by now, but there wasn’t really much else they could do about him. Hanji kept apologizing every time she visited, but that has changed nothing. Yet, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t figure anything out. None of them could. 

This time they left him alone for quite a while. He received some food from the guards, but other than that, he was on his own for a few days. He became apathetic to the situation. Nothing to do with a no way out in sight. The world was cruel and unfair.

When the door rattled again, he didn’t even look up. It would be either one of the guards or another round of pointless questioning, nothing interesting. The sound of steps spread through the corridor and then stopped as the person stood in front of the cell. The iron barrs rattled and he finally looked up.

He hummed without any interest, as he saw Levi walk inside the cell. This time however, his sight didn’t shift back to the floor, but remained on Levi instead. 

“Did you come to just stare at me? That’s a new one.” he remarked after a while of silence.

“Shut up.” Levi scoffed.

He only hummed and leaned his head backwards against the wall. 

“You wasted a lot of our time by now.” Levi deadpanned.

“Yeah, I told you I would. This really is on you.” he nodded.

“You even made Erwin lose his patience.” Levi continued.

“And what does that look like these days?” he asked as the two of them glared at each other.

“You shit need to start talking.” Levi disregarded his question.

“Oh really? Or what?” he asked again, raising his eyebrows mockingly, his look daring Levi to do something.

However, he didn’t expect what happened next.

Levi took a step forward and swung his leg, slamming it into his stomach.

For a second, his face stared up in surprise, but then he lowered his sight back on the floor, his frown disappeared and the corners of his mouth turned down.

“So Erwin sent you to do the dirty job.” he nodded slightly in understanding, his eyes fixated on the floor so as not to see the look on Levi’s face.

“It was my idea.” Levi said.

He flinched. Levi’s foot slammed into his stomach once again and forced a huff of air out of him, as he hunched forward.

“It didn’t seem talking to you would change your mind, so we’re trying out a different approach.” Levi shrugged and sent a sideways kick to his ribs.

“You can’t beat information out of me that I don’t have.” he coughed out.

Levi kicked him again, the first time to interrupt him, the second time just for a good measure.

“Well Erwin believes otherwise.” Levi shrugged.

“And you don’t have other opinion of your own?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

“My opinion is no different.” Levi said through clenched teeth, glaring down at him, before slamming his foot into him a couple times more.

_____

That evening, Hanji came to visit him with an apologetic smile. She walked into the cell holding a tray with medical supplies and his dinner. When her sight landed on him, the smile faded from her face and she frowned in disagreement.

“I’m so sorry they did this.” she said as she let one of his hands free, so he could eat his dinner. “I tried to talk them out of it, but those stubborn asses wouldn’t budge.” she shook her head and sighed.

“Not your fault.” he croaked. “It’s okay Hanji.” 

She opened her mouth to say something, but then sighed again and closed it, waiting for him to finish eating instead. Once he was done, she put away the plate and had to lock his hand back into the shackle on the wall.

“I brought some stuff to take care of any damage caused by that mad midget that I can.” she huffed underneath her breath, furrowing her eyebrows when talking about Levi. She reached for the tray and took the disinfection.

He nodded as she looked at him in question and so she started to clean some smaller cuts on his stomach, arms, lip and his forehead. Most of the injuries were bruises so there was nothing she could have done about them, but the scratches could get cleaned at least. 

“I can’t believe they actually went and did this.” she kept muttering to herself as she worked, shaking her head from time to time.

When she finished, her lips were pursed in a thin line and her eyes were sending daggers wherever she looked. 

“Don’t cause unnecessary trouble for yourself.” he said when he saw the look on her face.

“It’s not unnecessary. This simply isn’t right.” she declared as she gathered all the medical supplies back on the tray.

She sighed once she finished. “I have to admit, I’m curious as well, and I would like to know the answers as well. For example, I still can’t figure out how come you knew us and had our uniform, but we had no idea about you. And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t put my finger on what is so familiar about you. Yes, I would love to have the answers, and plenty more, but not like this. Definitely not like this.” she sighed again as she stood up and walked out of the cell, locking it behind her.

“Sorry to leave you so early, I need to go back to some stuff upstairs. Unless you’d want me to stay and chat for a bit?” she turned back to him.

When she saw him shake his head, she nodded, gave him a slight wave and walked down the corridor, towards the entrance.

_____


	11. Chapter 11

His eyes slowly blinked open and the stained brick wall across from him came into focus. He didn’t have the slightest clue as to what the time could be. Living in a cell without any windows proved to be very efficient at eliminating all sense of day and night a person could have and the frequent beatings into the point of unconsciousness didn’t help his sleep cycle either.

He groaned when he shifted in his sitting position and the cuffs scratched his wrist again. It’s been a while since they’d cuffed him to that exact spot and he could move around only so much. His back was protesting against the strains and his neck threatened to quit the position unless his head either hung forward or leaned against the wall behind him. The days he spent outside almost seemed like a dream and a hope slipping out of his reach. The longer he was inside, the slimmer were his chances of successfully leaving and getting back to the swing of living behind the walls again. That meant he’d never leave the walls for long anymore.

The military police would for sure never let him even see the outer walls, whether they executed him or not. The only way to not end up with the military police would be to try and cooperate with the Scouts. He couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth no matter how much he thought it over again and again. It felt like a betrayal, though he wasn’t sure who would it betray at this point. Lying to the Scouts also wouldn’t get him far, there were simply too many things to explain and he was bound to be discovered on one hole or another. 

He was never meant to go back at all. The time to do that was long past and he got used to living outside so much, the walls looming over the horizon seemed like a suffocating cage instead of a safety net. He couldn’t imagine living inside with the constant weight sitting on his chest. He already has paid a price too high for his freedom and he wasn’t going to lose it. Whatever it meant. There was still enough will left in him to fight a little longer and he’d choose his fight well.

He was dead to the people who knew him by now anyway. Apparently they moved on far enough and buried the memories deep enough to not recognize him at all. It was understandable, expectable even, but it still hurt. The leftovers of his pride and ego had a hard time dealing with that. However, he also couldn’t simply just come back. No matter how much you wish for your loved ones to return, it doesn’t end well if they do. The dead shouldn’t come back, even if they died only in people’s memory. That was an end as good as any.

The legends were better of staying just that, legendary and real just enough to stay alive in the back of people’s heads. What good would it do if news of a person surviving outside the walls made it around a Corps filled with people who lost so many of their comrades behind the walls. As far as he could tell, there were no other survivors living in reasonable proximity around him. He survived on pure chance and his deserving of it was very debatable. 

The guards switched shifts outside his cell and the grumbling sounds brought him out of his thoughts. He shifted again and clenched his teeth to not groan out loud. Every movement he did seemed to irritate a different bruise. At this point, they might as well be beaten into his skin permanently. At least there was no blood decorating the floor of his cell yet. Only dirty, grime and some more dirt. 

He stared at the floor for so long his eyes started to fall shut. Not having the strength to keep them open, or a reason to try, for that matter, he let them close and dozed off into a light sleep filled with memories and reminders. Each either ended with him jerking awake and hitting his head against the wall before he dozed off again, or slowly morphed into another memory, creating a jumbled mess. It became hard to say if he was awake or sleeping. All sense of time has already left him and it felt like eternity of strolling down a very unpleasant memory lane.

_….._

_The front of the formation reached the forest and disappeared behind him, the rest trying to keep up. They were leaving a trail of blood, bodies, humans and titans alike, behind them. He silently urged the formation to move faster as he readied his blades. Despite the Scouts’ efforts, there were too many titans on their back._

_The loud thumps echoed through the ground, growing louder every second. The rear of the formation finally disappeared beneath him and he regretfully counted another five seconds, the barest minimum he had to wait till they would be far enough to not notice him._

_“Five… four… three… two…” he whispered with his eyes fixated on the herd of titans beneath him, “one.” He jumped from the branch and shot the wires of his 3DM gear into the first titan nape beneath him._

_….._

_There was beauty in simplicity and happiness in days as simple as this. The world was cruel and merciless, but it was also beautiful. He thought about this, as he finished the rest of his tea and a feeling of loneliness and guilt crept upon him. He sighed and set out to clean the dishes. Some days were better, some were worse. Sometimes the alcohol at the back of the cabinet was his only friend. Sometimes he wished he could pour it down the drain._

_….._

_The sound grew louder and he was certain that it was the one thing he didn’t want to hear. Thuds of hooves against the ground. Soon, the Scouts appeared on the horizon. What on earth were they doing here?! Yes, he was seeing them around more and more often, but still, why? He sighed._

_The formation was smaller than usual. Upon closer inspection he concluded that it was only a slightly bigger recon squad, about ten people. It appeared another loud noise was following them._

_Of fucking course, he thought. Where are the scouts, there are titans. Great. So much for a nice morning._

_….._

_He shot the grapples into the last titan’s shoulder, swung around and cut down on the nape, trying to get out of there as fast as possible._

_Suddenly, he felt a tug on one of his wires. His blood ran cold as he realized the grapple got stuck in the titan flesh momentarily, halting his movements, slowing him down and throwing him off course._

_His eyes widened. He turned and shot the other grapple into a nearby branch to balance himself, but in the haste of the situation, he wasn’t able to pay attention to what was happening around him._

_Something threw him down from behind and he rolled on the ground. As soon as he could, he sprung to his feet and held up his blades._

_He looked up._

_Catching a glimpse of the person charging at him, he froze._

_How foolish._

_….._

_He looked around, eyes wide._

_They didn’t even remember him._

_He didn’t have to ask. The looks on their faces said it all. Erwin’s voice said it all and this fucking over-thought trap said more than words ever could. He trembled as cold swept over him. They had forgotten._

_That was the last final push he needed._

_….._

_The balde underneath his chin lowered slightly, but not completely._

_“I’ll ask again. Who are you?” Erwin said with a stern voice._

_“No one important.” He sighed. “What did I do?”_

_“Resistance.” Erwin stated as a matter of fact._

_“Yeah. I didn’t want to be beaten to death.” He glared at Erwin._

_“You are also suspected of stealing military supplies and being a titan shifter, threatening humanity.” Erwin said, frowning._

_“Damnit Erwin!” He exclaimed. “I saved your fucking ungrateful asses! Repeatedly! On multiple occasions! Just let me go!”_

_….._

_She walked inside the cell, holding a tray with what looked like medical supplies. She smiled at him as she sat down in front of him and put the tray next to her._

_“Hanji?” he said with a low voice, his eyes darting over her, almost not believing that it was really her. “Glad you’re still alive.” he said softly, but his gaze fell down towards the floor and his face remained empty, not showing any emotion._

_“Yeah, thanks.” she looked him over curiously._

_….._

_“I don’t think this is how you’re supposed to treat a suspect.” He frowned in suspicion._

_“Well, maybe not. But I believe in being innocent until proven otherwise.” Hanji said as she reached to unlock one of the shackles. “The only thing you have done so far is saved our lives, and I don’t consider that illegal.” she chuckled a bit._

_….._

_The silence hasn’t seized._

_“You need to give us at least something.” Erwin sighed._

_“No. No, I don’t. Even if I did, it won’t be helpful. You don’t want to know Erwin, ignorance is a bliss,” he said shaking his head._

_“Oh I disagree,” Erwin remarked, but got cut off._

_“Then feel free to rot in here for the rest of your pathetic days.” Levi barked at him._

_“And what’s the alternative?” he questioned, daring Levi to come up with an answer._

_“So far,” Erwin jumped in, before they had the chance to escalate the conversation into a full blown argument, “I would assume that you have some ties to the Scouts. Am I correct?”_

_….._

_“You wasted a lot of our time by now.” Levi deadpanned._

_“Yeah, I told you I would. This really is on you.” he nodded._

_“You even made Erwin lose his patience.” Levi continued._

_“And what does that look like these days?” he asked as the two of them glared at each other._

_“You shit need to start talking.” Levi disregarded his question._

_“Oh really? Or what?” he asked again, raising his eyebrows mockingly, his look daring Levi to do something._

_However, he didn’t expect what happened next._

_Levi took a step forward and swung his leg, slamming it into his stomach._

_For a second, his face stared up in surprise, but then he lowered his sight back on the floor, his frown disappeared and the corners of his mouth turned down._

_“So Erwin sent you to do the dirty job.” he nodded slightly in understanding, his eyes fixated on the floor so as not to see the look on Levi’s face._

_“It was my idea.” Levi said._

_He flinched. Levi’s foot slammed into his stomach once again and forced a huff of air out of him, as he hunched forward._

_….._

_“I’m so sorry they did this.” she said as she let one of his hands free, so he could eat his dinner. “I tried to talk them out of it, but those stubborn asses wouldn’t budge.” she shook her head and sighed._

_“Not your fault.” he croaked. “It’s okay Hanji.”_

_….._

_“Then who the fuck have you been? Does that formulation help your shit excuse of a brain?” Levi mocked, his face stoic but his voice sharp like a knife._

_“Why the fuck haven’t you figured that out yet?!” he snapped, anger rising in his throat. It was the only emotion he has shown in the past week._

_“Am I supposed to fucking read your mind?!” Levi shouted once he recovered from the shock. It was subtle, but evident as he paused before replying._

_“Pretentious shit! Moping around and selfishly taking out your anger on people! Stop making it about yourself!” he shouted back, straining against the shackles, making the rattle loudly._

_“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Levi forced out through his teeth, his glare full of hatred._

_“I’m talking about the fact that you’re pitying yourself. Yes, he died. People die. Get fucking over it. Pathetic.” he sneered._

_“You have no idea what you’re talking about!” Levi shouted and made a kick after kick, into his stomach, ribs, sides…_

_Once he finally stopped, Levi was out of breath, panting and staring down at him. He was shaking, eyes cast onto the floor, doubled over in pain. He coughed out blood and spit it onto the floor. He took in a deep breath and somehow managed to straighten himself up and look at Levi._

_“Does this make it any better? Do you feel any better? Has it helped you bring them back?”_

_….._

_“Cut the crap! Unless you just so happened to guess the formations, strategies, even names of the members,” Levi said and grasped him by the front of the shirt, pulling him forward. “Then you’re a spy or a traitor or both.” Levi slammed his fist into his face, pushed and tossed him against the wall._

_“No! Gah- I-I’m not!” he shouted, his eyelids falling closed. “I’m not. I swear.”_

_“And why would I believe you?” Levi said and took a few steps back. “If you’re not a spy, then what are you?”_

_He just shook his head, pulling at his arms and rattling the shackles._

_“Where did you get the uniform?” Levi said, walking closer. “Where did you steal it? Who from?! How?!”_

_“It’s mine! I didn’t! It’s mine!” he shook his head, shouting._

_“What do you mean ‘yours’?” Levi growled, slamming his knee into his stomach._

_He spit out blood and doubled over, coughing. “Nothing,” he gasped. “I- I can’t.”_

_“Answer the question.” Levi said with his foot pushing his knee into the ground._

_“No! No! Stop! Please.” he sobbed, coughed and spit out more blood._

_…..  
“They will soon become interested and I won’t be able to hide you anymore. If there won’t be any progress, I will need to shift our focus and resources to more promising activities, which could result in you ending up in the military police’s jail. They might try to accuse you of treason.” Erwin continued, his gaze running over the cell indifferently before finally settling on him._

_“How long?” he sighed._

_“A couple days. Something over a week at best.” Erwin shrugged._

_….._

He was brought out of sleep by the sound of steps. He looked up and a small smile appeared on his face when he saw Hanji unlocking the door and walking into the cell.

“Hanji? Hello.” he said.

This time, instead of bringing anything, Hanji simply sat in front of him, no medical supplies or food in her hands.

“Hi.” she sighed. “How are you doing?” she said and attempted a smile.

“Not so hot,” he chuckled. “It’s a bit hard to keep track of time down here.”

“I can imagine. It’s been quite the while since you’ve been down here,” she responded. 

“How long?” he asked, tilting his head.

“Over a month now,” she sighed.

“How often did Levi come down here?” he frowned.

“Sometimes daily, sometimes a couple days a week. It’s been a lot. Too much.” She scowled and looked aside.

He hummed and leaned back against the wall, trying to recount the events in somewhat reasonable order that would perhaps even make sense.

“You know, I heard from Erwin.” Hanji was first to break the silence.

He hummed and nodded. “So I haven’t dreamed that one visit either. Good to know.”

“I tried to talk to him about it. There has to be some other way. We never just give in to what they want, so why would we do it now? There has to be at least something we can try,” she started to ramble, her voice filled with sadness.

“Hanji, it’s okay.” he interrupted. “You worry about it too much. I’m not that important, don’t waste your time and effort on me. It will be okay.”

“Huh? I-” she paused. “It’s not a waste of time. And it’s not fair. I won’t accept it. I can’t just give up like that, how could I?” she said.

“There really is no reason for you to do anything. It’s all going to be alright.” he nodded.

“No. No, it’s not going to be alright. How can you even say that?” she threw her hands out in frustration.

“Well there’s not really anything else to do about it. Things will never be as they were before and I don’t want to stay down here for good.” he shrugged.

“Don’t you want to go outside ever again?” she almost whispered.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “But that just won’t happen.”

“It could, you know.” she said, hope filling her voice.

“Not really Hanji. Things have to end at some point.” he smiled sadly. “I wouldn’t last outside by myself much longer anyways. If I went out in the state I’m in now I wouldn’t last through the next winter. And there’s no place for me here, within the walls.”

“Why not? I’m sure we could make it work somehow. We just can’t give up!” she urged, waving her hands around widely.

“Hanji I gave up any future a long time ago, and I knew very well what I was doing. I want that decision to still mean something,” he explained. 

“That’s a very compliant view and I refuse to accept it. Here we keep fighting until the very end, and while you’re still breathing it’s not the end,” she huffed and her expression turned more serious.

“Could you do me a favour?” he asked.

Hanji only nodded in response.

“He’s struggling and won’t admit it. You can see it on him. Please, take care of him, for me.” he smiled softly.

_‘Hanji, if something goes wrong, please take care of him, for me.’_

Her eyes widened and her breath got caught up in her throat when she remembered the sentence.

“Did you- Do you mean Levi?” she asked carefully.

“Yes?” he looked at her, not understanding her reaction.

She stared at him, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly opened. “I- I need..” she gestured around with her hands. “I’ll be back.” she spurted and dashed out of the cell, forgetting to lock it behind her, leaving him alone and without an explanation.


	12. Chapter 12

_The dinner that day was one of the cheerful ones. The squad was sitting together at their usual table, chatting away._

_“Hey! Have you seen me today on the second turn?” One of them bounced in his seat. “I went in like this, super fast!” he talked, moving his hands all over the place. “And suddenly there was this huge dummy, so I pull the trigger, turn back at him, spin down and slash at the neck as hard as I can! Have you seen how awesome I looked?” he grinned widely._

_“Oh yes.” Zane nodded, sitting at the end of the table, next to Mat. “You looked like you were going to break your neck, Siah.” he sighed, shaking his head and went back to his food._

_“Oh come on! Don’t be so grumpy. Loosen up a little, old man.” Siah said making the whole table burst out laughing._

_“Please!” a girl drew out with a smirk on her face, pushing her long braid to the side over her shoulder. “That guy and loosening up? His ass is so tight I bet I’ll see titans fly first!” she said, earning another wave of laughter from her squadmates and a few grumbles from Zane._

_“Dayra! Don’t be too rude” the girl sitting next to her said, slapping Dayra’s arm._

_“I’m not too rude.” Dayra smirked before turning towards Siah. “Also, eat your goddamned food, because once in our lifetime it actually tastes good, so if you don’t, I will.”_

_Siah glared at her in response, pulling the plate further from her and towards himself before digging in._

_“You can have some of mine.” the girl next to Dayra said, pushing the plate towards her._

_“No, you better eat your portion Kyra, because this way you’ll just vanish into thin air.” Dayra grumbled, pushing the plate back to Kyra. “Hey, Mat. Do you know about any chances of the superiors getting extra portions?” she asked, her eyes glimmering._

_“I’ll go get water and we’ll see.” Mat said, standing up from the table and walking towards the kitchen._

_He walked into the kitchen, fetched himself a cup of water and asked around about some leftovers. On his way back, he got stopped by Erwin, telling him to stop by his office after dinner._

_“What did Erwin want?” Zane asked immediately as Mat approached the table again._

_“That I’ll find out after dinner.” Mat sighed. “Also Dayra, I’m afraid there are no leftovers, but they said some rations from yesterday are still available.” Mat smirked as Dayra scrunched her face in disgust._

_He sat down at the table but soon stopped paying attention to the conversation. His sight drifted towards the higher-ups table where Erwin sat next to Hanji and Levi. Mat zoned out, lost in thought and didn’t notice the dining hall slowly emptying out, until the clinking of cutlery made him turn to his squad._

_“We’re checking out for the night,” Zane said as the rest of the squad gathered their plates and stood up. “Are you going to head over?”_

_Before Mat could respond, Mike reached the table and said “I’m going to drop off a paper at Erwin’s now, if you need to stop by there and would like to join me.” He motioned towards the door with his head._

_Mat cast a quick glance to the higher-ups table, only to see it mostly empty. “Yeah,” he nodded. “I’m going to head over, sure. See you tomorrow Zane.”_

_Zane gave him a nod with a small smile before taking Mat’s plate just as he was reaching for it, and leaving them._

_“Let’s go then,” Mat sighed and fell into step next to Mike._

_“That bad?” Mike asked after a moment, as they passed the door to the hall._

_“Recently every time we talk it’s about some bad news. Either the interior, or the new formations, or the gear malfunctions. Shit has hit the fan and now it’s fucking everywhere,” Mat said, exaspered, tossing his arms out._

_“Yeah, well it’s rare to see you without a scowl on that ugly face of yours,” Mike smirked._

_“Hey!” Mat exclaimed and slapped his arm lightly, but at least it got a laugh out of them both._

_“Seriously though, if you’ll keep this up the wrinkles will stay there forever. They look like my Grandpa’s, it gives me a scare every time I see you,” Mike continued, his smirk growing wider._

_“Now you’re just fucking around,” Mat laughed. “There are no wrinkles to be seen here, my beauty is legendary.” He said with a mocked accent of the interior lords which sent them both into a fit of laughter._

_“That I don’t know about,” Mike chuckled but then turned serious. “What is legendary though are your skills, and the faith your subordinates have in you.”_

_“I don’t-” Mat started but got interrupted._

_“Don’t doubt yourself. You’re the best soldier of the Corps which makes you the best soldier alive. We know it, and they know it too. That’s why this is happening,” Mike paused. “I’m sure Erwin’s already told you, but you’re an invaluable asset to the Corps and he will not risk losing you to the interior.”_

_“Hm, I suppose.” Mat hummed, without much conviction._

_“Come on, you’re not dead yet. Until a titan eats your sorry ass I don’t want to see you look like a dead-man walking. It’s not the end while you’re still breathing. Have some faith in yourself.” Mike said, punching Mat’s upper arm._

_“Ouch, okay, yeah,” he responded, rubbing his arms with a mock hurt expression. “The titans can bite my ass. I’m not going down easy.” He grinned._

_“I’m sure they will die trying,” Mike said through laughter._

_“Damn right they will.” Mat added with a wide smile._

_“Seriously though,” Mike said when their laughter died down. “If you ever need anything, or want to talk or whatever bullshit helps your sorry soul, we’re here. I’m here for you. Remember that. ”_

_“Thanks, Mike,” Mat said, smiling, as they slowed down in front of Erwin’s door. “Will do.”_

_“Good.” Mike gave him a harder pat on the back on his way closer to the door. He knocked and walked in._

_“Come in!” Erwin called just as Mat followed behind._

_Mike made his way over to the table, placed the paper down with a nod and turned to walk out without any further comments. He passed Mat and closed the door behind him as Mat walked over to a chair in front of Erwin’s table._

_“Hello. How did it go today?” Erwin said, signing the paper from Mike and putting it away, before directing his attention to Mat._

_“It went well. The team did good and our times are improving.” Mat replied._

_“I’m glad to hear that.” Erwin nodded. “I’m sure you’ve heard from Zane what I want to discuss?” Erwin asked._

_“He mentioned that you wanted to talk about the expedition.” Mat said carefully._

_“Yes. I think it’s time to start preparing a detailed plan and strategies. I would appreciate your help with that.” Erwin nodded, observing Mat closely._

_“Are you sure it’s a good idea to push it right now?” Mat frowned._

_“It’s risky, I know. It will take longer to prepare, so I want to start now, yes.” Erwin nodded._

_“How about the interior.” Mat protested. “Did they approve of this? With everything that’s been going on?”_

_“They don’t know about it yet. I will go to them with a finalized plan after they get over the bullshit they’re trying to push now.” Erwin sighed, shaking his head._

_“So they’re still causing problems about that.” Mat said, his voice heavy._

_“It’s only bureaucracy. Nothing will come of it.” Erwin said, his gaze hard set on Mat. “I have people already on it and will sort it out soon.”_

_“I don’t know Erwin.” Mat sighed, shaking his head._

_“Hey.” Erwin interrupted before he could continue. “Don’t let this cloud your mind or question your choices. It was the best call you could have made in the situation and one that most of us would have made, remember?”_

_“But you haven’t Erwin. It was me who made the call, not everyone else.” Mat protested, shaking his head._

_“Even then. That doesn’t change a thing. Everyone here stands on your side. Don’t go down the blame road, Mattias.” Erwin countered, his voice hard._

_“I’ll do my best.” Mat sighed._

_“I know you will. Don’t let this hold you back, that would be the real mistake.” Erwin said. “I’m genuinely sorry that it’s being brought up again. But I’m sure you proved on the last expedition that you’re still perfectly capable and none of what happened before happened due to your lack of skill or some other ridiculous reason.”_

_Mat only nodded in response._

_“Anyway, I’ll expect your help with planning and strategies for the expedition, of course. We’ll start in the next few days, unless you have any objections?” Erwin said, raising his eyebrows._

_“Understood, sure.” Mat nodded again._

_“Okay then,” Erwin hummed to himself. “Do take some rest today. It hasn’t been easy for you these days.” He continued with a small, sincere smile._

_“Sounds like a plan,” Mat smiled and got up from the seat and walked towards the door._

_After getting out from the office and closing the door behind him, Mat let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. This would be more difficult than he’d expected._

_With a sigh he walked into the kitchen, searched the cupboards for a glass, grabbed the first one he saw and left in the direction of his office. This wasn’t happening often, he made sure to keep himself in check, but today he needed a distraction. He walked down the corridor, lost in his thoughts, when a voice stopped him._

_“That doesn’t look like you’re going to make some tea.”_

_He looked up to see Dayra standing in front of him, frowning at the glass in his hand. He shrugged._

_“What are you doing here?” he asked, but it came out somewhat harsher than he wanted. He was about to apologize when Dayra waved it off with her hand._

_“I was checking that Kyra held onto her promise of not working today, but I’m glad I ran into you. It looks like you need to be checked on too.” she shook her head in disapproval._

_“I’m fine. You should go to sleep, it’s late.” Mat said, trying to walk around her, but she stepped in front of him._

_“I could, but that would mean I’d have to send Zane your way first. Or we could make a compromise and you take me with you instead.” Dayra said, smirking._

_Mattias sighed. “You’re lucky you have a benevolent superior.” he grumbled._

_Dayra grinned and stepped aside so he could continue._

_“Don’t you dare let it show tomorrow, or I won’t have only Zane on my neck, but also Kyra and god knows who else.” Mat grumbled as she walked next to him. “Also, I don’t have spare glasses, so go get your own.”_

_Dayra laughed and turned back towards the kitchen. “Sure will. I’ll be right back. Don’t you dare lock the door.”_

_Mat nodded, waving his hand behind himself._

_He walked into his office and let the door shut behind him. He pushed some of the papers on his table aside to create space and set the glass down. Sighing, he opened one of the cabinets and took out an opened bottle of homemade brew. He couldn’t remember where he got it from anymore._

_The door to his office opened and Dayra slipped in, closing them behind her. She set the glass next to Mat’s and wordlessly waited till he filled both of them._

_“What exactly are we celebrating today?” she asked, irony lacing her voice as they both raised their glasses._

_“Quite an exciting combination. Erwin’s coming up with a gamble of an expedition and the interior shits are still as annoying as ever.” Mat sighed, scrunching his face._

_“I see. So this is about that last time all of us almost died.” Dayra nodded, seemingly nonchalant, but there was something else in her gaze._

_Mat almost winced. “You could say that, yes.” he said._

_“Well, cheers then.” Dayra shrugged._

_They lifted their glasses and gulped them down._

_“You know, it wasn’t the first and definitely won’t be the last time.” Dayra noted as she set the glass back onto the table and sat down into one of the chairs._

_“I know.” Mat rubbed his face. “There’s something different about it, I just can’t say what.”_

_“Hm.” she mused. “You know, I hate to admit this, but once in my life I agree with blondie. I’m sure he said it a million times by now, but don’t blame yourself. I’d made the same call.”_

_“I know.” Mat sighed. “But enough of that. The whole point of this is to distract myself, so come up with something else to talk about.” he said as he filled the glasses again._

_“Well, the point of me being here is that we split what you would have drank into halves and hope we both look somewhat reasonable tomorrow, but sure. What do you want to hear about?”_

_….._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT! DO READ!
> 
> Hi there :D  
> I reworked the chapters somewhat, so if you've read the work before 29.8. 2020 you may want to take a look at the previous chapters as well before continuing. Most of the change is in the order, so if you don't feel like, you'll still be able to understand the story onward. Some minor details and parts were edited to make the writing better, but there haven't been any major revelations important for the plot.
> 
> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy the chapter :)  
> Also leave a comment, I'd love to know what you think :D

Hanji dashed through the halls of the main building, making soldiers jump out of her way. She reached Levi’s office in no time and barged in without knocking, something no one ever dared to do.

“What the fuck Four Eyes?!” Levi yelled, jumping out of his chair when he heard the bang of the door.

Hanji tried to catch her breath. “Levi, I-I know-” she gasped, holding onto the door frame. “I found out who he is.” she managed to finally push out.

“And why the hell did you have to cause such a ruckus about it?! Go tell Erwin or something. I don’t give a shit.” he growled and sat back into his chair.

“Well I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I thought you needed to know first…” she hesitated.

“Stop fucking wasting my time.” he barked, but then a sigh escaped his lips. He would be somewhat happy to have it all over with. “What is it?”

“Well the facts that he had our uniform, our gear and was obviously well trained led me to think he used to be one of the Scouts before. He also knows our formations, our plans and many of us as well. Pretty obvious in hindsight if you ask me…” she rambled and tapped her chin in thought.

“Tch. Hurry up and spit it.” Levi was growing impatient.

“I always thought there was something familiar about him, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.” Hanji continued, her thoughts coming out a jumbled mess. “His uniform had the emblem of the 27th expedition…” she paused suddenly.

Levi froze.

“I- please hear me out.” Hanji’s voice softened. “You won’t like it, but I believe it’s him.” 

“Bullshit!” Levi spit out, running his hand through his hair. “It could be literally anyone from the 27th. Shit tons of people died if you don’t remember! Or he could have just stolen the uniform! Have you thought of that, genius?!” Levi said, shaking his head, his eyes narrowing.

“Yes! Of course I have!” Hanji called out. “That’s why I didn’t say anything before. But now-” she hesitated. “He finally started talking to me more after he found out the MPs will be taking him. Nothing particularly useful, but he asked me-” her voice caught in her throat. “He asked me to take care of you, Levi.” she almost whispered.

Levi stared, frozen, his eyes wide.

“Exactly the same words Mat told me before we left for the expedition.” Hanji paused, trying to force back the tears. “Those were the last words he said to me. I would never forget them.” 

“That doesn’t mean anything.” Levi whispered, shaking his head.

“There’s too much for it to be an accident Levi. Too many things fit. Please just- Let’s at least search the records if somebody actually saw him die, Levi!” Hanji urged.

“Fuck, no.” he grumbled and ran his hand over his face. “Fuck.” he said louder this time. “Fine.” he barked. “Where are the goddamned records?” he growled.

“The library.” Hanji breathed out and rushed off, knowing he was going to follow her.

They rushed through the halls and burst into the library in no time. There was no one else inside and the room was barely lit with a few lanterns, the light flickering over the book spines covered in dust. They dashed to the section with old Survey Corps records and frantically scanned the binders.

“The 27th…” Hanji whispered as she searched the shelf, thoughts rushing through her head at record speed.

_Please... This can't be it! There's no way! Please let me be wrong!_

“Where the fuck is it!” Levi yelled in frustration.

_Come on! Come on!_

“Here!” Hanji yelled when she finally spotted the one they were looking for.

She immediately pulled it out and shoved half of the contents towards Levi. They both started going through the documents, barely scanning the headlines.

_No._

_No._

_No._

_Where is it?!_

Papers were thrown aside, scattered all over the place. After what felt like an eternity Hanji screamed "This one!" holding out a piece of paper. 

Levi stopped, his heart skipping a beat. The room suddenly felt cold and his hands were sweaty.

"Casualties of the 27th expedition beyond the walls..." Hanji's voice was shaking.

She skimmed the paper trembling in her hands. It felt like the time was going slower and slower. Then her eyes found what she was looking for and froze in place.

The time stopped.

"Section Commander Mattias Kennett. Leader of the Special Operations Squad." She seemed to almost choke on her words.

"Missing in action."

Her voice broke. Her hands fell down. 

"Levi... Could it be...? Did we...?" She whispered and tears escaped her eyes.

He couldn't move.

"Missing in action means nobody could prove his death... that means he could have survived, right?" Hanji whispered once again, her eyes pleading Levi to say something. “There’s only a few of them whose deaths we couldn’t prove, Levi.” 

"It has to be him, right? It all fits too well, this can’t be an accident. He made it back, right?!" Hanji's voice was desperate. "And then we..."

He felt like throwing up.

"Please Levi, say something!" She yelled at him. 

He stared at her, unable to form a response.

After a few painful seconds of silence Hanji pushed herself off the floor and ran out of the library, letting the paper fall to the ground. 


	14. Chapter 14

He stared at the unlocked bars which Hanji left opened behind her a while ago. Racking his brain he tried to figure out what had he said to make her run like that. Just as he was about to give up, she stumbled down the stairs and back into the cell.

When he saw Hanji rushing back in, tears dried on her face, he sat up. “Hanji? What-”

“Mattias?” she breathed out.

He froze. “I don’t-”

“It’s you, isn’t it?” she sounded almost pleading. 

He stared at her, his eyes wide and mouth opened, his heartbeat echoing in his ears.

“Right? It’s you, Mat, right?”

“No, I-”

“Don’t lie!” she shouted, tears welling in her eyes. “Please don’t lie to me.” she shook her head frantically.

He stared at her and the moment dragged out until he cast his eyes down. “Yes.” he whispered almost inaudibly.

She dropped to her knees in front of him, bringing them to the same level. She threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly, ignoring the gaps he let out as pain spread through his body. Tears escaped her eyes and she trembled.

“We- We thought you died!” she whimpered. “Everyone missed you so much! We- I thought I lost you forever.” she cried into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered.

The sound of hurried steps made them both look up. It stopped abruptly when Levi walked into the cell door.

“Is it true?” Levi asked, his eyes wide. His hand trembled as he caught one of the iron bars. “Is it really you, Mattias?” 

He only nodded slightly, unable to form a response as a lump formed in his throat.

Wide range of emotions flashed through Levi’s face, from realization, to hurt, guilt and disbelief to anger, settling somewhere along the lines of horrified. He wasn’t able to hide them this time.

“I’m sorry.” Mattias whispered.

Levi shook his head and stepped away from the door. He stared into the cell for a few seconds, before sharply turning down the hall and dashing away.

“Levi!” Hanji called, but got no response.

“Leave him.” Mattias forced out.

Hanji looked back at him and fished out the keys from her pocket. She unlocked the shackles holding his hands. He slumped to the floor and she threw her hands around his waist to support him.

“I can’t believe it really is you.” she whispered, holding him tightly in a hug. "It's been so long… I- We didn't know- we didn't think anyone could- I'm so sorry, Mat."

He moved his hands the little he could to hug her back.

“I know. I’m sorry. None of this was supposed to happen.” he said quietly, his sight trained on the floor.

After a moment, she pushed away from him, watching him sadly. “I can’t believe we haven’t recognized you. I- I feel like we forgot, but-” she choked as fresh tears made it onto her cheeks. “We really haven’t, Mat. It’s been so long, but we would never forget you, you know that right? Oh Mat, I’m so sorry.” she cried.

“It’s okay,” he said calmly, trying to wipe the tears from her face. “I know Hanji. You needed to move on. I was gone and that was it. I don’t blame you.” he ran his hand over her cheek, through her hair and down her arm.

"I don't think we've moved on," she shook her head as more tears spilled down her face. "I don't think Levi has slept well in years. Mike looks sad whenever he's not working, lost in thoughts in a way he never did before. Erwin stopped staying out of his office for too long. I- I tried to help but-"

"I know, Hanji. I know," he interrupted her. "It's not your fault."

"Your table in the dining hall is always empty," she cried out. "No one ever sits there, not even the newbies. Everyone says it's where your squad sits and they don't want to take the place." Her voice shook and she buried her face in his shoulder again.

"I missed you. Everyone missed you." Came out, muffled in his shoulder.

"I missed you too," he sighed. "I never wanted to leave."

"Is that why you've helped us so many times? Why haven't you joined us after you found us outside? You could have come back with us then," she said, almost a whisper.

"I couldn't. I'm so sorry, but I couldn't come back anymore," he said, his voice breaking. "But I also couldn't leave the Corps. This way I would know you were all right at least."

"H-how long?" She forced out through sobs.

"How long what?" Mat asked, looking at her with his eyebrows raised.

"How long is it since the 27th? How long have you been out there all alone?" She said and her voice wavered.

He sighed. "Six years."

"We left you behind." She said as the realization dawned on her. "The expedition- We left you behind."

"No, no you didn't," he jumped in and shook his head. "It was more complicated than that. Waiting wouldn't have helped me then and it would ultimately only endanger the whole Corps. To leave was the right call."

"I don't- it's just- six years without you, that you could have been here instead," she said.

"I know. I know," he replied. "But there's nothing to do about that now." He shifted and leaned back against the wall.

"Right." She pushed herself to stand up from the floor. "I should go talk to Erwin quickly so that I can take you to the infirmary. I'll be right back."

She turned to walk out but stopped by the entrance of the cell when she heard someone calling out down the hall.

“Hanji? Is everything alright?” Moblit walked in front of the cell almost running into Hanji.

“Here you are.” he let out a relieved breath. “I heard you have been running around looking upset so I wanted to find out what happened…” he paused when he glanced down. His eyebrows shot up and he waited for Hanji to explain.

“Thanks Moblit. I was just headed to Erwin. Could you go instead?” Hanji scratched the back of her neck. “Tell him I identified the captive." She paused for a moment. "Remember how I told you there was something familiar about him?” she asked and waited for Moblit to nod. “Well, turns out that's because it's Mattias." she gestured towards him.

“What do you-” Moblit stared at them as realization slowly dawned on him. “Mattias?” he asked disbelievingly. “But the 27th expedition…” he gestured around vaguely, trying to make sense of what was happening.

“He survived. Don’t know how yet, but somehow he managed.” Hanji beamed.

“Wow.” Moblit let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair. “It’s kind of hard to wrap my head around this.” he hesitated. “It’s good to have you back then…” he smiled.

"Thanks," Mat smiled a little and nodded his head.

He walked into the cell and crouched down by Mat, who raised his right hand. Moblit grasped his hand in a handshake and gave him a careful hug with a pat on the back. 

"The Corps truly missed you. It just wasn't the same," Moblit said with a sad smile as he straightened up. "And I believe you still owe me a beer with a chat," he grinned.

"Sure thing," Mat chuckled in surprise.

“Moblit? Could you also tell Erwin and Mike?” Hanji asked.

Moblit nodded, waved at them and walked back up with a small smile on his lips.

“We all missed you so much.” Hanji sighed and turned back to Mat. “We thought you were gone, but now you’re back and we can make it work again, we can go back to how it used to be before this mess, and everything will be alright.” she rambled on, which caused him to smile a little.

She hugged him once again, making sure he was right there, alive and real.

"Do you think you'll be able to stand?" she asked after a while as she took his hands to examine the marks left by the shackles.

"I should be. It might take a while, but yes," Mat said determined.

"Well we need to get you to the infirmary, or maybe better yet to a free room where you'll be able to stay for a while," she spoke as her hands moved to prob at the sides of his torso to find other damage than bruises.

Soon, Erwin and Mike appeared in front of the cell. Hanji stood up from the crouched position and walked towards them.

“Hanji?” Erwin asked with his eyebrows raised. “Why so urgent? And what is this? Moblit said you think he's Mattias?” 

“He is, Erwin.” Hanji said. “That's why he seemed so familiar. It all fits, the reports of him outside appeared after the 27th expedition, he has his uniform, knows our strategies and formations, has the exact skills and 3DMG style… That's why.” 

“What are you talking about?” Erwin’s eyebrows shot even higher on his forehead. “Mattias died on the 27th. I told you to get over it, didn’t I?” his gaze set hard on her. “What is going on here?”

Mike turned his head from the two of them towards Mat and walked into the cell. Hanji with Erwin paused their conversation. Crouching down in front of Mat, he sniffed and his eyes widened.

“It really is you.” Mike said disbelievingly, his eyebrows raised, but his mouth pulled into a small smirk.

“Good to see you alive.” Mat said, smiling, his head leaned backwards against the wall.

“That should have been my line.” Mike smirked, grasped his hand and pulled him into a hug. They stayed for a few moments. Pulling away, Mike said, “Unbelievable. The jackass made it back.” 

“I told you the titans can bite my ass. I don’t go down easy.” Mat smirked.

Hanji stiffened a laugh and Mike smiled wider. “That you did.” he said as he stood back up.

“Is it true?” Erwin suddenly said from behind them.

They all looked at him, shock written all over his face. Somehow he looked lost for the first time since they all could remember. 

“Yeah.” Mat sighed, not knowing what to expect, his smile fading away. "I'm sorry for all of this."

“But how? Why?” Erwin gasped out, his eyes wide. 

“I-” Mat shifted his gaze down. “It’s a long story. I can try to explain it.” 

Erwin stared at him, frozen, not sure how to respond.

“There will be time for that later.” Hanji said. “Come on. Mike, help me get him to a proper room, preferable close to the infirmary.” She said as she reached to help Mat stand, her gaze hard set on Erwin for a bit before shifting to Mat and softening up.

_____


	15. Chapter 15

_The following morning wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it wasn’t a particularly enjoyable one either. They both dragged themselves out of their beds and through breakfast. They were assigned morning duty and so they split the work to manage before lunch._

_“Jeez, bathroom cleaning? Seriously? I swear if I ever find out who is assigning those duties, they won’t live to see the next morning.” Dayra grumbled as she scrubbed the bathroom tiles._

_“Maybe that’s the reason why nobody ever tells us.” Kyra deadpanned. “Also, what was the drinking occasion yesterday?” she asked, accusation evident in her tone._

_“What?” Dayra stopped scrubbing and straightened up._

_“Oh please. You disappeared in the evening and now both you and Mat look like you were run over by a titan. None of us are stupid. And by the way, Zane is flipping shit.” Kyra replied, finishing her section before pausing to look at Dayra._

_“Fine. I went with Mat and was slowing him down.” she sighed._

_“You could have just not let him do it, you know.” Kyra pointed out, not satisfied with the answer._

_“No I couldn’t. I don’t think even Zane could have talked him out of it. He wouldn’t have listened.” Dayra said, shaking her head._

_“That bad?” Kyra asked, concerned._

_“That bad. And the blond fucker is making it worse.” Dayra grumbled, going back to cleaning. “He’s doing some shit again, getting ahead of himself.”_

_“Is it official yet?” Kyra asked, frowning in thought._

_“No, but you know him.” she replied._

_“Hm.”_

_….._

_“Okay everybody! Pay attention!” Mat called as he approached the squad waiting outside. They paused their conversation, straightened up and waited for the instructions._

_“We’ll be starting with the drills today, basic sets as usual. Then we’ll move on to the obstacle course. We’ll do some timed exercises, mainly 3DM gear practice. Also we’ll do a repeat of the new formation. It went really well yesterday, but since Erwin wants to use it on the next expedition we’ll run through quite often to really nail it down,” Mat explained the plan as he took a note of each member, trying to assess if everyone was in good enough condition to train as hard as planned._

_“While you start with the drills I’ll head over to help out Squad Levi with the new formation,” he nodded his head towards the forest a little further away from them, where the obstacle course starts. Levi Squad was already there, the members standing in a salut as Levi explained the plan to them._

_“If you need anything, call me over. I’ll come check on you from time to time as well. If there are no questions, you’re off.” He clapped his hands together and the team moved towards the fields to start on their drill routine._

_“Zane?” Mat called before he had a chance to walk too far._

_“Yes?” he said as he turned back._

_“Would you overlook the drill for me, please? I know it’s not ideal to be splitting off like that, but I don’t have much say in the matter.” Mat sighed._

_“Okay.” Zane nodded. “I know. I’ll make sure they actually do the drills and stuff. But you can bet your ass that we are going to talk about yesterday evening.” Zane said, glaring harshly at Mat, before jogging off to the squad._

_Mat sighed and rubbed his face with his hands before turning towards the obstacle course and walking over to meet with the Levi Squad waiting there._

_“Captain,” they saluted as they saw him approach. Levi gave him a curt nod and his gaze softened._

_“At ease.” He looked over the group before settling his sight on Levi. “How is it going? Ready to start?”_

_Levi nodded. “We went over the formation and explained the basics. Should be ready to try it out, probably first in pairs to avoid collisions and then build up.”_

_“Good plan,” Mat nodded. “Let’s go, Hanji will join us whenever she remembers to come.” he waved his hand and they set off towards the starting line._

_Levi and Mat took off into the forest and settled on one of the upper branches from which they could observe the whole course. Mat brought out his watch from the pocket on the inside of his uniform jacket while Levi shouted off for the first pair, Petra with Eld to start, shortly followed by Oluo and Gunther._

_“Does Erwin really intend to push this formation so soon?” Levi huffed as they observed the pairs trying to get the basics right._

_“Seems so,” Mat sighed. “I don’t like it too much either. You have a great squad, no doubt there, but I’d prefer they have a bit more experience before being used in such difficult encounters.”_

_“Tch.” Levi scoffed, his sight trained down at the forest. “It all seems ridiculous.”_

_“Yeah.” Mat turned to him. “Levi, it’s because Erwin thinks highly of you. He believes with a little help from the senior members you’ll be able to manage. Afterall, your personal skill is impressive and you’ve already been promoted to Captain a while back.”_

_“If you say so,” Levi responded with a scowl that deepened when Oluo almost face planted into a tree._

_“I know so. You’re already great and you’ll be even better.” Mat nodded mostly to himself._

_“How is your squad doing with the formation,” Levi sighed as he watched the pairs almost collide._

_Mat winced when he saw the accident and then responded,“We’ve had time to go over it quite a bit already, so pretty okay so far. But it’s not good enough, yet.”_

_“Oi, listen I-” Levi started, cut himself off and ran his hands down his face. “Is everything alright? No of course not- I mean-” he shook his head and glared at the branch beneath them. “You look like shit these past days,” he threw his arms out._

_Mat stared at him in surprise for a moment and then grinned. “I appreciate your effort to sound nice and concerned, but you really don’t have to try so hard because of me. I can understand what you usually mean just fine,” he chuckled._

_“Dumbass,” Levi frowned even more, but then glanced at Mat._

_“Hey,” Mat said with a smile on his face. “It’s been a bit tough lately, I won’t lie. There’s a lot going on now and none of it pleasant,” he sighed, but the smile stayed on his face as he reached for Levi’s hand and grasped it. “Thank you for asking. I appreciate it.”_

_“Shit has hit the fan, huh?” Levi said, squeezing Mat’s hand back._

_“You don’t even know, I can tell you about it later,” Mat sighed._

_“How can I help?” Levi asked, stepping closer._

_“You’re here. That’s all I need.” Mat replied._

_….._

_“So, what do you think?” Hanji asked as she and Mat walked towards the main building, heading for dinner. The training was over for the day and both of the Squads went on ahead to take some rest before dinner once they were done with recounting the points they needed to improve on._

_“They’re good. Great individual skills. But I’m worried about how little experience they have. Even if they can learn the formation fast I’m not sure if they’ll have the time to perfect it before the expedition and run it safely there,” he said._

_“Well, safely is a strong word. But I agree,” Hanji nodded. “I’d probably give them the go-ahead to keep practising for now and see how it goes later. If we decide with the expedition approaching that they can’t run it, then they can’t run it and that’s it. Erwin won’t go against that and risk losing them.”_

_“I hope you’re right,” he sighed. “I just wish he’d give them more time before making them a part of his experiment.” Mat threw out his hands in frustration. “This whole obsession of his with gambles is starting to get insane.”_

_“Hey, if somebody can make it happen, it’s you. Erwin sees that.” Hanji said._

_“Well, I’d rather he hasn’t.” Mat muttered._

_….._

_“This squad is so dysfunctional, I swear to god.” Zane grumbled as he walked into Mat’s office, closing the door behind him._

_“What got you today?” Mat looks up from the papers, raising his eyebrows._

_“Siah messed up something on his gear because he wanted to see how the triggers work, Kyra did a 6 hour shift in the infirmary after dinner somehow, so I had to ship her off to her girlfriend to make sure she goes to sleep, and now I have to deal with you.” Zane grumbled as he sat down into one of the chairs in front of the table._

_“At least Leena is gone for the time being. One less person that needs checking upon.” Zane sighed._

_“Oh what would we do without our mom…” Mat mocked, laughing at his own joke._

_“Shut up. You’re just as bad as the rest of them, so don’t pretend to be innocent.” Zane said, pointing his finger at Mat._

_“What did I do now?” he asked, faking a sigh._

_“You know very well. Getting drunk is neither a part of your job nor an allowed free time activity.” Zane grumbled._

_“So now I have a list of allowed free time activities?” Mat mused, raising his eyebrows and leaning back in his chair._

_“I mean it Mat.” Zane groaned. “You can’t just drown your problems in alcohol. Talk to us, beat the shit out of a dummy, I don’t know!” he threw out his arms. “But for fucks sake you need to stop drinking!”_

_“I didn’t get drunk. I only had a few glasses and it’s nothing regular. I appreciate your concern but you need to stop behaving like my babysitter.” Mat’s gaze was hard, set on Zane._

_“Oh, ‘cause you don’t need it.” Zane said, irony almost dripping from his voice. “Please Mat. It’s going on for too long. Everyone keeps telling you to stop but you just can’t get it through your thick skull. It wasn’t your fault! No one is blaming you! Get over yourself!” he called out in frustration._

_“People died Zane!” Mat snapped back._

_“People die here all the time!” Zane countered. “They knew it would come, if not at that point then some other time. It doesn’t matter now Mat!”_

_“It does and you know it.” Mat forced through his teeth. “It could have been us. It almost was us for that matter.”_

_“That’s what’s bothering you on all of this?” Zane sounded almost amused. “We almost died so many times and there will come a time when we will. So what? We signed up for this. Every single one of us did.”_

_“I know.” Mat whispered, rubbing his face with his hands._

_“Mat, we stand by your choices. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. We believe in you and those choices and we’ll follow you to our graves if it comes to it.”_

_....._


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :D  
> New update's here, hope you enjoy and let me know what you think of the story so far. Feedback very much appreciated :D  
> Just a reminder, the previous chapters got reworked recently, so if you've read the story before 29.8. 2020 you might want to take a brief look at what it looks like now. However, if you don't feel like reading it again, you shouldn't miss anything important for the plot.
> 
> Happy reading :)

Hanji and Mike managed to get Mat out of the cell and into a spare bedroom near the infirmary. It was midday, so the halls were empty and they managed without any other encounters. Stripping was hell, every twist and turn seemed to irritate some other bruise and whatnot, so after his jacket was off and his unbuttoned shirt hung on his wrists behind him they decided to let it be. With some effort they seated him at the bed in the room so that he was leaning against the wall. The shirt scrunched behind his back and legs semi straightened forward, it wasn't the most comfortable position, but it was the best they could get. Hanji also took down his shoes and rolled up his pants a little. She and Mike then left him alone to take a breather while they gathered the medical supplies. 

When they returned, Hanji went about treating anything and everything she could, starting with the cut on his head, she then got through all the scratches and bruises and did a complete check up to see what else she could find.

Mike was switching between handling the supplies for her and trying to comfort Mat when his face scrunched up in pain. Moblit appeared later as well and when he saw them he quickly disappeared again, only to return after a while with a washcloth and a bucket of lukewarm water. He sat next to Hanji and tried to carefully wash off any dirt, grime, and the sweat gathering on Mat's forehead and back.

All the cuts and scratches were cleaned with disinfection, bruises and sore spots treated with soothing cream, his torso and the cut on his head bandaged. He was breathing hard through gritted teeth. The only reason they got this far were the painkillers that made it at least slightly more bearable.

“Hey, it’s fine," Mat breathed out. "I’m alright. Don’t over-bandage me," he said jokingly, though his voice quivered and sounded painful. He was slightly uneasy from all the treatment and attention he was suddenly getting and Hanji seemed determined to go over everything again, just to be sure.

“Stop whining. I need to see if there still isn’t something serious.” Hanji scolded him, but before she could get back to it, Moblit took the supplies from her hands.

“I think that’s it Hanji. You’ve really checked and did everything you could. Let him rest for a bit.” he said, pulling her gently away from Mat, who shot him a thankful smile.

“Fine.” Hanji huffed. "Most of the cuts and scratches aren't that deep, they should heal fairly quickly. Let's just hope nothing gets infected. The bruises are just that and well, will be painful for quite the while, unsurprisingly," she scoffed. "Otherwise your ribs seemed to be bruised as well, but miraculously not broken. It's going to hurt like a bitch though for the next few weeks. Be careful and don't move if you don't have to. You'll probably need to sleep in a little more upright position. The concussions are making me a bit worried, we'll need to observe you for a while, but you should be out of the woods by now when it comes to those. It's surprising you haven't lost memory or something worse," she shook her head. "I don't think anything else is broken or sprained. Your back and neck are probably strained from the constant slumped sitting position, but oh well. Walking after almost two months, with the healing, will be difficult."

She looked him over and sighed. "That should be all there is." She smiled at him, but it quickly turned sad. "I'm sorry. It's bad, but not as bad as it could have been. I don't think there's more we can do other than let it heal," she said as she took the supplies and gave him another sad look before she walked out of the room, to put them back into the infirmary.

“Sorry about that. She means well.” Moblit sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I know.” Mat said and a small smile appeared on his lips.

“It was really hard for them.” Moblit’s face dropped with the change of the subject. “Hanji and Levi, I mean. They had it the most difficult.” He sighed. “I guess it will take some time to get back to normal now.”

“Yeah, I realized.” Mat sighed.

“All of us will need some time to adjust.” Mike surprised them both by talking. He carefully patted Mat on his shoulder. “You as well. Don’t be too hard on yourself.” 

Mat nodded and tapped the bed next to him, motioning for Mike to sit down.

“I guess.” Mat let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding for what seemed like the hundredth time that day.

“Hey, cheer up.” Moblit called in front of them. “We’ll be here anytime if you need anything.” he said and patted Mat on the shoulder. “I’m going to go check up on Hanji, see what’s taking her so long, and try to get her somewhere else than here. You could probably use a while to rest.” he said, taking off towards the door.

“Thanks.” Mat said, shooting him a grateful smile. 

He let his eyes close and leaned his head against the wall, taking a shaky breath. Heavy silence took over the room and after a moment he slowly shifted his arm to at least try and slap it against Mike's leg.

"Stop looking at me like that," he sighed, turned his head towards Mike and peeled his eyes open.

"Like what?" Mike huffed and the crease on his forehead straightened up a bit.

"Like that. Hanji's looking at me with that sad face since I came. Don't you dare start as well," Mat said, narrowing his eyes. "I know I look awful. I hate it. I don't want pity. Please, can something just, be normal?" he sighed and his gaze shifted to the ground.

"Hey," Mike said and reached to lightly squeeze his knee, one of the few body parts that didn't hurt too much. "Sure can. You're still the same Mat in my eyes. I'm not happy to see you like this, I won't pretend I am. But I'm happy to see you at all. Don't worry about Hanji too much. It's going to get better from now on." He sighed and smiled when Mat shifted to look at him.

"Okay," Mat nodded, though he didn't seem too convinced.

"We do need to get you from those clothes to something clean though," Mike sighed.

Mat took a deep breath, closed his eyes and breathed out slowly, steeling himself. "Yeah," he nodded. "Yeah, let's do it."

"Okay," Mike said and walked to the other end of the bed to get the new clothes Moblit brought earlier.

"We'll start with the shirt," he said as he returned to Mat and reached for one of his arms. 

Mat's shirt was already off and they just needed to get it off the wrists, which were irritated by the cuffs. The new shirt was quite big and loose, so getting it on wasn't as hard as it could have been. Mat took deep breaths through the pain and breathed out in relief when he leaned against the wall again.

"Now the difficult part," Mike said, his lips pulled.

"Wait, you mean that wasn't the difficult part yet?" Mat said with feigned confusion, to which they both chuckled.

Getting Mat's pants down was horrendous. Trying to hold himself upright hurt and trying to lift himself upwards hurt even more. They progressed slowly and it took a long time to then repeat it to put the new clean ones on. At least those were less tight to Moblit's credit.

By the time they were finished, Mat's breathing was ragged and he was shaking in pain. His fists were clenched in the sheets and it took a few deep breaths through gritted teeth for him to let go and open his eyes again.

"Better?" Mike asked, the crease back on his forehead.

"Yeah," Mat breathed out. "Thanks."

"Any time, Mike smiled a little.

"I hate this though," Mat said, frowning.

"I know," Mike nodded. After a moment of quiet he said, "What about this. I won't offer my help if I can trust that you're going to ask me when you'll need it. That means no pretending to be able to handle it when you can't yet."

"Huh?" Mat turned his head to look at him and was met with a smirk and a raised eyebrow, which made a smile stretch on his face. "Yeah, okay." He nodded. "Deal."

"Good," Mike smiled.

They sat together with Mike in a comfortable silence for a while. Mat shifted his gaze down and kept staring at his hands in his lap. Now that most of the pain had faded, his mind had thousands of thoughts running through.

"It's going to be a mess now, isn't it?" Mat said after a while.

“Whatever happens,” Mike said, bringing Mat’s gaze to him, pulling him out of his thoughts, “you’re not alone here. No matter what, I’m here for you.”

“Thank you so much.” 

They sat together in silence for a while and Mat slowly shifted to further lean against the wall. Mike wordlessly reached for the pillow on the end of the bed and helped Mat put it behind his back. He cast Mike a smile and let his eyes fall closed.

“You look like you could use a minute of quiet by yourself, to rest.” Mike noted.

Mat hummed in response.

“I’ll keep Hanji away for the time being. We’ll come back later, don’t worry. Rest until then,” Mike said and squeezed Mat’s hand as he stood from the bed. He walked out of the room and closed the door behind him softly.

The rest of the evening went by quietly. Mike managed to distract Hanji as promised, so Mat managed to get some light sleep before Moblit visited him with dinner, but he left after a little while too. Mattias was left to his own devices, resting in bed, not really able to go anywhere. On the other hand, he didn’t feel like going anywhere at all. It was all getting too much and the four walls of that room were just about as much as he could take at the moment. Even these seemed to be caving in on him and suffocating him. He might have escaped the claustrophobic feelings down in the cells with not enough light to show just how small the room was and not enough willpower to be fully conscious for most of it, but there was nothing to keep his mind occupied from it here. The deep breaths hurt, sharp pain spread through his chest with every single one, but they helped him keep his mind from spinning. The shaking couldn’t be helped though and despite his best efforts to drag the blankets over him, he still felt cold shivers run up and down his spine.

For the past six years, he was living outside, convincing himself that there was no way of ever making it back here. He probably managed to somehow be okay with it. Suddenly, he was back inside the walls, stuck in a building, the walls suffocating him.

All of the people he cared most about thought he was dead and now he dances fucking right back in like ‘bitch no’ which obviously some of them are taking worse than the others. He was never supposed to come back. Everything he did, he made sure that he wouldn’t do this to them. The sudden reappearing was not healthy for anyone. People don’t just come back. People who die should stay dead. And yet, he was ruining it.

Why was it him that survived? There were thousands of other soldiers who could have been in his place, all with families and friends, yet he was the lucky bastard who came back. It didn’t make sense and it would make a lot of people very unhappy.

He wished he could just take it all back. Go back to the forest and stop making a mess out of the lives of people around him. They were better off with him dead. He wished things would go back to how they’ve been. Now he’s giving false hope around and the one he cared the most about won’t even talk to him. The imagination was so much better than reality.

He wanted to remember the times as they were before and he wanted to be remembered as he was before. He cherished the old memories so much. He didn’t want any new ones. With how things were going, anything happening right now will only be difficult and unpleasant. When he left last time, things were great. Isn’t it best to leave in the moment when everything is great so you don’t see how bad it can get?

He was supposed to stay gone with the memory of great behind him. Now it was all ruined.

Second chances are a lie. 

Some things you simply can’t go back to. 

Lost soldiers don’t reappear. Dead friends don’t come back alive. Gone lovers don’t knock on your door once again. 

It’s far too cruel to give people shreds of hope for that happening in a world ugly and merciless like this.

No one from them deserved this and somehow Mattias felt like he would never be able to stop regretting this. 

Tears welled up in his eyes and he furiously wiped them away, but they just came back over and over again. This was not how things were supposed to go. This was never what he wanted. He shouldn’t have interfered. He should have been more careful. He should have done things differently. He should have just stopped. He was selfish enough to keep on living so he should have just left them alone. He had no right to keep them in his life.

Somehow, he wished he had just died six years ago, with the rest of them, when he had the chance.

_____


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :D  
> Here goes a new chapter. Let me know what you think, feedback is always welcome.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)

_There was a long day with training scheduled in for the morning and afternoon ahead with a team meeting set up to discuss the new formation they were supposed to practice, in the evening. All of this meant Mattias was left to do all the paperwork in some ridiculous times of day. At least to him, the first hours of daylight before breakfast were ridiculous when it came to doing paperwork._

_“Okay,” Mat sighed. “Let’s get started with this shit while I’m still at least half sane.” He muttered under his breath as he brought yet another report of gear malfunction in front of him._

_Those seemed to pile up on his desk in the last few days and the amount of them was concerning him more and more. As far as he noticed they were all fairly new, almost unused other than for training purposes, and were issued almost at the same time. While signing orders for new gears, he made sure to write down the manufacturing number on all of the broken ones, hoping to compare them later with the records of gear orders. He also made a mental note to check with other teams and divisions, seeing if similar problems haven’t appeared as well, and perhaps run some checks also on other equipment they held._

_The frown on his forehead deepened at every report and request for new gear he signed. Sometimes he paused completely, rubbing his temples in frustration when he read the ones reporting injuries sustained during training due to the malfunctions. A weird feeling of guilt crept upon him and he thought of visiting those soldiers in the infirmary._

_A knock on his door made his head snap up._

_“Come in!” he called, rubbing his face to wake himself up from the trance he fell into._

_“Oi, Mattias.”_

_A grumpy voice reached him. He glanced up to see Levi walk in, close the door behind him, lean against them and scowl._

_“What is this shit?” Levi growled._

_“Good morning to you too, Levi.” Mat smiled a little, standing up from the chair and walked in front of the table. “Glad to see you in such high spirits already.” he mocked._

_“Tch. Shut up.” Levi sighed. After a moment of hesitation, he pushed away from the wall and walked closer to Mat. “Good morning,” he breathed out._

_A smile crept upon Mat’s face. He lifted his hand to Levi’s cheek and pulled him into a kiss. He soon let go, but stayed leaned in close._

_“Now that’s better.” Mat smirked. “What brings you here?”_

_“Idiot.” Levi grumbled. “It’s time for breakfast and you obviously weren’t in your quarters. Care to explain what bullshit are you trying to pull?”_

_“First of all, you’re not much of a sleeper yourself, so you don’t have much say in this. Second, there is a shitload of paperwork that needs to be taken care of as soon as possible and today is full. So I’m getting ahead.” Mat replied, shrugging._

_“Well, it’s time for breakfast.” Levi pointed out._

_“Hm, give me a moment.” Mat hummed in response._

_“What is-” Levi started but was cut off by another kiss._

_“There.” Mat smirked. “Now we can go for breakfast.”_

_He walked past Levi and towards the door, knowing that Levi will follow him. Once entering the hall, they kept somewhat of a distance. Only a few people knew about them. They also knew not to talk about it._

_They received a few salutes as they walked through the halls and some more after entering the dining hall. Mat went ahead to the table occupied by the higher-ups after Levi grunted out that he’d take the plates._

_“Good morning.” Mat said as he sat down into his usual spot._

_“Morning.” Erwin said while Mike sent him a quiet nod._

_Levi appeared with two plates of military rations, set one in front of Mat who thanked him quietly, and took his spot next to him._

_“Good morning!” Hanji beamed. “So what’s the plan for today?” she asked, almost jumping in her spot._

_“Training.”_

_“Paperwork.”_

_“Eugh.”_

_Mutters and grunts erupted from around the table. This resulted in a scowl settling on Hanji’s face._

_“Come on! Try to look at least a little alive. You’re not dead yet.” She threw out her hands and received a few snorts in response to her comment._

_Hanji scoffed and shook her head. She was about to just let it go when her sight stopped on Mattias. “And why do you look like you’ve met with a horde of titans already? I swear if you don’t cut this crap I’m gonna cut you in halves.” she grumbled as she took some of the dissatisfaction out on the food on her plate._

_“Spare my poor life. I’d rather the problem be a horde of titans instead of the reports. I’m getting gear malfunctions from all over the section. No serious casualties so far but the injuries are not trivial either. There’s something off but I can’t quite put my finger on it.” Mat sighed and rubbed his hand along his face. He felt a hand on his back and cast a smile to Hanji as she tried to provide what little encouragement she could._

_“Let’s leave out the work from the breakfast table.” Mike suggested with a sigh._

_“Well then, what are you going to do for vacation? The last weeks of calm are coming and then the whole corps will be sent home if I remember correctly. Any exciting plans?” Hanji burst out again in hopes of changing the subject. It was definitely hard these days. People were rarely doing something not related to the corps._

_One of the squad leaders caught upon that and started talking about visiting their family and taking a break from the military base. Soon a few others joined him and the conversation shifted to less grim topics, though there were a few of them who realized they wouldn’t be doing any of that during their vacations. Not everyone was lucky enough to have a family to come back to._

_As they were finishing their breakfast, people started leaving the table and heading to their duties. Mattias also got up with a small wave to the ones who decided to stay just a little longer. He walked through the dining hall towards his squad. Upon seeing him they stood up and saluted._

_“Morning.” he nodded to their salute. “You’re going to be starting with drills today while I’ll go with Levi Squad to the forest. Go get a head start and I’ll come later on.”_

_“Yes, sir!” a chorus of voices answered. The salutes were dropped and the team took off to the training grounds._

_Mat then proceeded to the Levi squad, explaining to them the regiment for the day and the formations they were going to train. Together, they took off for the training grounds too and soon were going through the obstacle course in the forest. Mattias observed them from the higher branches noting down mistakes that needed to be fixed. With the first run-through finished, they grouped in the front waiting for further instructions._

_“All together, not too bad. A couple pointers though. Levi, you’re speeding up ahead of the formation too much. It won’t work unless you’re synced so the end needs to step it up and you need to let them keep up with you. Oluo same thing, if you push the left out of formation, your counter on the right won’t be able to keep up and the whole formation falls apart.” Mat said, looking into his notes._

_“Gunther, pay more attention to where the rest of the squad is. You’re following the plan perfectly, and I’m glad you can do that, but in reality the squad sometimes shifts as the situation changes, be aware of your teammates.” Mat paused, reading through his notes. “What else…” he muttered to himself._

_“Ah, here. Petra, your movements and cuts are not steady. Trust yourself and the squad more. If something goes wrong they have your back, plus, right now this is only a simulation. If you are to make a mistake, I’d rather you do it now.”_

_“Yes, sir.” she replied, albeit a little shakily._

_“Good then,” Mat nodded to himself. “These need to change. We won’t go to any other formations today. Run the course over and over again, same formation, meet here after. Levi, you’ll be taking it from here. I’ll be over there with my squad.”_

_After receiving salutes from the group and a nod from Levi, Mattias waved them off and walked towards the field where his squad was going through their regiment. He took note of each of his squad members and how they were doing before catching Zane’s line of sight and nodding to him to come over._

_“How is it going?” Mat asked after Zane reached him._

_“Mostly alright. We’re near the finish so you’re right on time.’’ Zane said and glanced back at the team. “Oi, Siah!” he called. “Watch how you’re doing the drill! Half-assing it is useless!” he said when Siah paused what he was doing._

_“Yes, sorry!” Siah answered, flustered, before going back to the drill._

_“There’s something off about him the whole morning.” Zane sighed. “How are they doing?” he asked, nodding to the forest._

_Mat sighed at the question. “They need work. Individually, they are skilled soldiers but they have little experience for this kind of work.” He shook his head as a frown settled on his forehead._

_“They’re going to work it out.” Zane said and nudged Mat’s shoulder._

_“Hm,” Mat hummed as a small smile appeared on his lips. “Well, we need to work too.” he smirked and called to the squad finishing with drills. “Alright, rest! That will be it for drills today! Catch your breath, we’ll be moving on to combat.”_

_The team stopped their training and one by one reached the front to receive further instructions. Even after all that time in the military, they were still out of breath after completing their regiment. It was one of the outright insane ones that not many teams dared to even try._

_“Okay, paring for the combat as follows; Darya with Siah, Kyra is on break. You’ll switch out Siah after a while. Zane with me. Go as usual, get the other on the ground and immobilized. Last as long as you possibly can. And no injuries, please.” Mat explained the directions and the groups separated to start the practice._

_“Seems like the good old times.” Zane noted with a smirk as they took their stance._

_“So you plan to lose, like in the good old times?” Mat lifted his eyebrows at the remark._

_“No way I’m letting you get off that easy!” Zane retorted before leaping forward aiming for the first hit._

_They lost sight of most of what was going on around them quite soon, focusing on dodging hits while trying to strike. The fight seemed equal as both of them were firmly standing despite the others efforts, but Mat started slowly getting the upper hand. His attacks sped up just a little bit, but it was enough to cause Zane problems with keeping up._

_“Siah!” a call interrupted them, followed by a loud thud._

_They looked on to the second group and saw Kyra rush to a Siah laying on the ground. A sigh escaped from his mouth. A little further away stood Darya, almost visibly fuming with anger._

_“Oi, what’s going on.” Mat approached them, frowning as Kyra pulled Siah up._

_“Idiot is all over the place today.” Darya spit out the words. “That’s what happens when you can’t focus properly. This was a basic kick you blocked hundreds of times before.” she turned towards Siah._

_“Sorry.” he sighed. “I guess I’m just a little out of it today.” he said and flashed a smile in hopes that the team would let it be._

_Mattias sighed looking at the group. “Take a break for now and stop by my office before lunch.”_

_Siah nodded but his face seemed to fall a little._

_“Kyra, switch him up. We’ll continue.” Mat said and the squad got back into their practice._

_....._

_The training passed by quickly and in no time all of them were covered in dirt and sweat. With a grunt and the last of his efforts Mat pushed himself around on the ground to get into the position and held Zane down, giving him no chance at escaping._

_“Uh, okay, okay!” Zane grunted and tapped the ground three times._

_“You’re done already?” Mat teased as he released the position and sat up. “Alright Squad, we’re done. Take a break and then it’s time for lunch.”_

_Footsteps thudded from behind him and he turned his head around to look._

_“Hey, Mat is getting his ass handed to him and nobody called us to watch?” Hanji called as she walked towards the group with Mike next to her._

_“What?! I’m winning. Come on!” Mat exclaimed and threw his arms out._

_Dayra, Kyra and Zane laughed behind him as they got up to leave the training grounds._

_“Siah, head up!” Zane called to get his attention. “We’re done for now, let’s head over for lunch,” he glanced downwards at his clothes. “On a second thought, maybe shower first.”_

_“See you then,” Dayra called as the group waved off and headed towards the main building._

_“Now since we missed the golden opportunity, should we do a recap?” Hanji chuckled._

_“Is that a challenge to spar?” Mat said, raising his eyebrows._

_“I’d do well with some practice,” Mike shrugged with a smirk on his face._

_“Ah, let me take a rain check on that. I’m beat for the day,” Mat rubbed the back of his neck. “Next time, I promise.”_

_“You’re getting old,” Mike said, shook his head and reached his hand out for Mat to pull him up._

_“About as much as you,” Mat smirked, but nodded in thanks as he took the offered hand and let himself be pulled up._

_“So what’s the plan now?” Hanji asked._

_“Paperwork?” Mat replied._

_“Booooooooriiiiiiiiiiing!” She droned out and set off to walk towards the main building._

_“Oh right, I’m sorry my life is not entertaining enough for you,” Mat mocked._

_“Happens to the best of us buddy,” Mike said, nodding, with as much of a serious face as he could muster._

_Hanji started chuckling and soon went into a laugh as Mat joined her._

_“No but really, something must be going on apart from this forsaken Corps,” Hanji said. “How are things with Levi?” she glanced behind her, but kept her pace._

_“Hm? Private, you know,” Mat responded and Mike barked out a laugh._

_“Come on! Can you really not tell me anything?” Hanji pleaded. “We’re friends!”_

_“Sure Hanji,” Mat chuckled. “Yeah, things are good. It’s nice. I’m just a little wary of what could happen and if we’re not making a mistake. Losing focus or rational thought can lead to awful consequences,” he sighed._

_“Hey, we’re glad,” Mike said and put a hand on his shoulder. “You deserve to be happy too.”_

_“Yeah,” Hanji turned around and smiled as she probed into his side. “It’s fun to watch. And we’re happy for you. If it’s working out, enjoy it.”_

_“Thanks,” Matt said as they reached the main building._

_Hanji opened the door, about to walk in, when she stopped short of walking into Levi._

_“Hey there shorty!” She grinned._

_“Speak of the devil,” Mike said, shaking his head. He smirked at Mat. “Are you going for lunch?”_

_“It’s a bit too early for me. I need to stop by the office first. Go ahead, I’ll catch up with you then,” Mat said and nodded towards the door._

_“Sure thing,” Mike said and patted Mat’s shoulder as he walked past and pulled Hanji to go with him._

_“See you then,” she chuckled and waved back at Mat as she scurried behind Mike._

_Mat sighed. “Hi,” he said, smiling at Levi._

_“Hey,” he nodded at Mat. “You’re done with training?”_

_“Until lunch, yes,” Mat nodded. “What are you doing here?”_

_“Tch. I was looking for you,” Levi said and looked away. He stepped aside from the door and continued into the hall._

_“Really? What for?” Mat asked as he followed and they set off towards his office._

_“Do I need a special reason?” Levi scoffed._

_“No, of course not,” Mat chuckled. “I was just curious. It’s nice.”_

_Levi huffed. “That damned shitload is taking up all of your life.”_

_“I’m sorry,” he sighed and brushed the fingers of his hand against Levi’s as they walked next to each other._

_“You better be,” Levi replied, and shifted his hand to brush their fingers again._

_“How are things for you?” Mat asked. “I haven’t heard much lately.”_

_“As good as can be probably,” Levi said. “The formations are not great but at least I know what it is to finish my paperwork.”_

_Mat hummed. “If you ever want to stop by for some tea, feel free to do that anytime.”_

_They turned the corner and neared Mat’s office. He sighed and paused._

_“What is it?” Levi said and turned to him._

_“I still need to finish some work before lunch. I’ll join you then?” Mat asked._

_“Yeah, I know,” Levi said, glancing at Mat. He hesitated for a moment, then sighed, “Stupid hallway,” he murmured._

_“I know,” Mat said with a sad smile._

_“See you later, then” Levi nodded and walked off with a glance back._

_Mat made his way down the hall to his office. The only thing remaining to take care of, besides the never ending horde of papers, was the talk with Siah. As Mat walked closer to his office door, he noticed a figure standing off to the side and fidgeting in place._

_“Hey there.” Mat said as he approached them, trying to not scare them._

_“Oh, hey.” Siah said when he noticed Mat by the door and put on a smile. “You said to stop by?” he said, mumbling at the end of the sentence._

_“Yes, come in.” Mat nodded as he unlocked the door and walked inside, heading for his desk, motioning for Siah to sit in one of the chairs in front of it._

_“How are you doing?” Mat asked once they both sat down._

_“Good. As usual.” Siah blurted a little too fast. “If this is about today, I’m sorry. I was a little out of it. And I know I can’t afford that. I promise it won’t happen again.” he went on entirely too fast._

_“Hey, slow down.” Mat said as a small smile tugged at his lips. “You’re not in trouble. No need to worry.”_

_Siah let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. His shoulders slumped a little as relief washed over his face. “Okay.” he breathed out._

_“I asked you to come because I don’t think you’re doing ‘good’. The team has noticed it too and I wanted to ask about what’s going on. We all know you, Siah, and this is not you. If there is something bothering you, you can tell us.” Mat said, his voice growing in seriousness. He observed Siah carefully for any reaction._

_“Thank you.” Siah let out with a weak breath and cast his eyes downwards. “It’s, uhm…” he sighed and took in a breath, trying to work up some courage. “My sister is not doing too good.”_

_Mat nodded in understanding. “You’ve mentioned her before. Now that I think about it though, you’ve never said how serious the illness is. If you don’t mind me asking about it, of course.”_

_“I- yeah, it seemed better recently, so I didn’t want to bother anyone with it.” Siah nodded. “She’s gotten worse suddenly and it doesn’t look so good anymore. The doctors don’t really know what caused it though.” He squeezed the chair he was sitting on, willing his voice not to break._

_“I see. I’m sorry to hear that.” Mat said carefully. “If there is anything I can do to help…” he hinted._

_“I- I realize it’s selfish to ask this,” Siah started hesitantly. “I completely understand if it won’t be possible. It’s just, my father had to quit his job because she needs someone to care for her during the day and…” he paused, not wanting to continue the sentence any further._

_“I’ll talk with Erwin.” Mat said without any further explanation. “We’ll see what can be done.” he smiled a little._

_“Thank you so much.” Siah beamed in relief._

_“It’s alright. Take the rest of the day off, okay?” Mat nodded to him._

_“Yeah, thank you once again.” Siah said, standing up from the chair._

_“Good. I’ll see you then.” Mat said as Siah waved to him before leaving the room and closing the door behind him._

_Mat sighed as his sight fell on the stack of papers on his table. He would have sworn it grew bigger over the time they spent training. Maybe he could finish up a few more before lunch. There was still a little time to kill. He thought about the talk with Erwin he’d need to have and felt the dread fill in his stomach. Somehow, that was all he felt when he thought of Erwin these days. The times were not what they used to be anymore._

_A knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts._

_“Come in.” he called just loud enough, followed by a quiet sigh._

_“Hi. There’s a few things I wanted to discuss with you and I thought I would stop by before lunch if that’s alright.” Erwin said as he walked into the office._

_“Yeah, sure.” Mat nodded. “I have some bad news and some even worse news so I hope you’re going to brighten up my day.” he said, trying to make it sound like a joke._

_Erwin smiled lightly, but the smile dropped off. “I’m afraid your day won’t be getting any brighter thanks to me.” he sighed._

_“That’s certainly encouraging. Okay then, let’s get it over with.”_

_....._

_They want to formally push the complaint and begin an investigation. Their official stance is loss of trust in your abilities and loyalties to the Corps. They recommend to suspend you indefinitely and replace someone else to the position._

_What should I do?_

_They won’t find anything, I won’t let them._

_Don’t make promises you can’t keep._

_I’ll make sure of it. I’m asking you to just be careful for now._

_Does it make a difference if I make a mistake or if they make it look like I did? In the end, it doesn’t. The consequences will be all the same._

_Nothing has happened that should require any consequences. They won’t get away with this._

_Erwin I- if I’m unfit for the position, if I’ve made a mistake, you’d tell me, right?_

_I’d be the first one to do so. You’re the best soldier in this Corps and I trust you. They think the Corps have gained too much popularity with the public. They want to bring us down and need a scapegoat. I won’t let them._

_There might be more to this._

_Did something else happen?_

_I’ve had suspicions for a while but no proof yet. Barely used gears are failing all across my section and causing injuries. No previous signs of a fault. No overtstrain on the gears. They just stop working in an instant._

_Are you sure?_

_There has to be an explanation for this, Erwin._

_You think someone did it on purpose? Sabotage is a strong accusation._

_I know. I’m sorry if I’m asking too much, but I can’t believe this is just an accident._

_I’ll pull some strings and have someone look into it. In all honesty, I hope you’re wrong._

_Me too._

_….._

_The lunch time was slowly passing and the dining hall was losing its usual buzz as people started getting up and heading for the rest of the training. The higher-ups’ table seemed busy as usual, except for the concerned frowns of Hanji and Mike, and the heavy aura projected by Erwin who was too lost in his thoughts._

_The table off to the side was unusually quiet as well, casting anxious looks around the hall. A sentence lingered around, making all of them feel uneasy._

_Mat has not showed up for lunch yet._

_Something was off and the whole squad knew it. None dared to speak after that one sentence was uttered, somehow realizing this was way out of the ordinary. Their plates were still half full but even those who pretended they hadn't given up on eating were just pushing the food around for the last fifteen minutes. None of the usual bickering, lecturing or teasing jokes even crossed their minds._

_Levi was observing the situation, getting more irritated with each minute that passed. There was not much he could do even if he knew what was going on, yet he felt the need to do whatever little he could._

_Erwin stood up from the table, making most of the heads turn in his direction. Without a word to the table, he walked away, but instead of heading to the door, he walked to the Special Ops Squad, making them all sit a little straighter in their seats. He waved his hand before they got up to salute. There was no need for the formalities for once._

_“Zane.” he said, receiving a nod in response. “Mattias said he’ll leave the rest of the training for you today as there are some pressing matters that need to be taken care of. It might be a good idea to leave him for now.”_

_….._


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :D Another update here.  
> What do you think of the story so far?   
> We're getting to the chapters I'm most excited about, so I actually have the motivation to write more :DD  
> Also, I'm thinking of adding more points of view and there are some character's whose thoughts and views on the situation I'd want to put in, so if you have someone you'd like to see more of, or a particular scene that you'd like to see done in this setting, let me know and I might be able to do something about it ;D  
> Make sure to leave your thoughts and feedback in the comments below, I'd love to hear them :)
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> yours truly, the writer-chan that has finally risen back from the dead it seems :D

The night was restless and Mat would spend it tossing around on the bed if he could move without bursts of pain. Instead he was lying still and staring at the ceiling. Thoughts of his home swirled around and mixed with memories. Being back at the Headquarters felt familiar, yet wrong in many ways. Everything seemed the same, yet different enough to seem off. Mat felt out of place. The Survey Corps has changed over the years, of course. The thing was, he no longer belonged to this Corps. He wasn’t that unhappy about not being able to venture out into the hallways anymore. He didn’t want to see the places he used to know now, when nothing seemed right. It would be too painful after everything that happened.

When the sky finally started to turn lighter and the sun began to rise, being able to watch the colours change through the window even as he was lying on his bed brought him comfort. With a small smile on his lips, his eyes fell closed and he dozed off for long enough to call it sleep. Though he did wake up soon enough to hear the sounds of the morning from behind his door pick up and slowly die down again.

A while after the hallway has quieted down the door to Mattias’s room opened and Hanji stumbled in, trying to not drop anything she was holding. “Good morning. Here’s your breakfast,” she said as she put a tray in front of him, “and some paperwork I needed to finish last week.” She sighed as she dropped the stack of papers on the table and then turned to him with a smile on her face.

“Good morning,” he said and tried to push himself up to sit.

“Here, let me help,” she said as she reached for him and helped him lean against the wall. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he breathed out. “It’s not great, but I’ve been worse.” The pain in his chest from sitting up was slowly easing as he took steady breaths.

“Good, that’s good.” Hanji started checking the cut on his head and changing the bandage on it. “Take a breather while I re-wrap this, then I’ll need to take a look at the cuts on your shoulders and back.” 

Mat nodded a little and chuckled when Hanji glared at him as it shifted the bandage on his forehead.

“There, this should do,” she said and leaned away. “Now for the harder part. We need to get that shirt off.”

“Yeah,” he sighed and gritted his teeth as Hanji helped him lift the shirt and pulled it over his head.

“Okay, let’s see.” She looked over all cuts and scratches on his upper arms, shoulders, neck and back. “It seems all good.” Her sight shifted downward to his torso. “These will take a while to disappear,” she sighed as her fingers hovered above the bruises. “How are your ribs doing?”

“It hurts a bit as I breath, and moving around is no good, but I can manage.” Mat nodded.

“Yeah, okay.” Hanji reached for the shirt and helped him pull it back over. “Slow and steady breaths. Careful.”

“Thank you,” Mat breathed out as he was leaning against the wall by his bed again.

“No worries. I could maybe find some painkillers or something as well,” Hanji hummed.

“It’s okay. I think I’m good.” He shook his head.

“I’ll see. Well, eat your breakfast,” she huffed and pushed the tray towards him.

“Yeah, yeah,” he chuckled and dug the spoon into the oatmeal. “Are you gonna stare at me the whole time or will you at least pretend you’re being productive?” he nodded towards the stack of papers on the desk.

Hanji sighed. “I’ll do them, okay.” She went to sit into the chair by the table and started with the first paper on the stack.

They passed some time like that, in quiet together. The rusting of papers and occasional steps in the hallway were the only things that could be heard. It was nice and for once Mat felt peaceful. His mind was calm like it hasn’t been in a long time and it reminded him of the times when everything was just a little bit easier.

“Hey, d’you want some help with that?” he said and motioned to the papers when Hanji turned to him.

“Oh.” She took a moment to think and then dug through the papers to get a stack out. “Here, these should be easy.” She smiled at him as she handed the papers over. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He chuckled. “I don’t think I ever missed the paperwork, but it seems nostalgic in a way.”

“You’re weird,” Hanji laughed and shook her head before she turned back to the papers.

“Yeah, I thought we knew that already?” he said before turning to the stack in his lap.

They made their way through the papers, reviewing the content and signing off on them, reports, training plans, requests for supplies and improvement suggestions. They lost track of time as the piles were slowly getting smaller.

A knock on the door made them both look up at the same time.

“Yeah? Come in,” Mat called and pushed the stacks of papers aside.

“Hi there,” Moblit waved as he walked into the room and closed the door behind him.

“Hello.” Mat smiled.

Hanji waved to him and returned back to the paper she was looking at before.

“How are you doing?” Moblit asked, walked to the bed and sat on the edge, next to Mat.

“Good enough I’d say,” Mat shrugged. “Probably as good as I can in this situation.”

“That’s good to hear.” Moblit nodded. “Is Hanji making you do her work for her?” He scoffed and motioned to the papers on Mat’s bed.

“No, I offered.” Mat chuckled. “It gets a bit boring to just sit around after a while, so I’ll gladly take a distraction. I wanted to help around a bit as well, so this is fine.”

“Hm, if you say so,” Moblit hummed. “Is there any way we can help you though? I assume you can’t move around much, but maybe I could bring you some books to keep you occupied, or so?”

“Yeah, that would actually be really nice,” Mat nodded with a smile. “Thanks.”

“Sure thing. I’ll stop by sometime in the afternoon and see what we have in the library. Any preferences?” he said.

“Ah, anything other than past records and rookie soldier materials will do,” Mat grinned.

“I see,” Moblit laughed.

This caught Hanji’s attention as she pushed the paper she just finished away. She turned towards them. “Do we have any news, or progress on the situation?”

“Not much,” Moblit sighed. “I was actually looking for you as well. Erwin wanted to hear about how things are going. He didn’t say anything else though, just asked about how Mat’s doing.”

Hanji scoffed. “Asshole. Mat’s doing as good as he can with what happened.” She glared at the floor. “It’s not great though.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Moblit sighed and frowned.

“I’m fine,” Mat interjected. “I’ve been better, but I’m not dying. I’ll be okay.” He rubbed the back of his neck and grimaced as pain spread through his side and arm.

“Sure,” Hanji scoffed and glared at him. “It’s not only about the bruises and hurting ribs. Those will heal fine. That’s not what I’m concerned about.”

“Then what is it you’re concerned about?” Mat challenged with a forced smile on his face.

“Coming back must have been a shock and it certainly isn’t easy for you, don’t think I haven’t noticed.” She shrugged. “Also, what they did in the cell is no laughing matter. It’s not nothing. We all know you can’t just blow it off after the bruises disappear. No one’s going to hold it against you if you need time and help to get through it.”

Mat sighed and shifted his gaze away. He shrugged and pursed his lips. “As I said. I’m fine.”

Hanji sighed, but decided to let it drop.

“So Erwin wants to know about the damage he’s done but doesn’t have it in him to come look himself?” she said through gritted teeth and shook her head. “Bastard of the year.”

“I’m sure he’ll get over himself soon enough,” Moblit said with a small smile that disappeared as quickly as it came. “We all have different ways of dealing with the situation.”

_____

Hanji and Moblit left around lunch to let him take a break and return to their responsibilities. He was grateful for the moment of quiet. Though he liked the company a lot and it made many things a little more bearable, it could get overwhelming after a while. Some time on his own did him good and he even managed to fall asleep for a while. The nap was welcome.

Later into the evening someone knocked on his door again. He called out for them to enter and was met with Mike, nodding to him with a small smile.

“Hi there. I thought I’d come check on you and see if you’ve already gone crazy from Hanji overload,” he grinned as he went to sit down next to Mat.

“Hi. I’m good so far, but thanks. It was a close call today,” Mat chuckled.

“I can imagine,” Mike nodded with a smirk.

“She’s trying her best,” Mat shrugged.

“I know,” Mike nodded. “Did anyone else stop by as well?”

“Moblit showed up,” Mat sighed. “Apparently Erwin asked about me, but that’s it.”

“Hm, no angry midgets then,” Mike hummed.

“Yeah,” Mat looked to the ground. “That will take some time, if he’ll show up at all.”

“He will,” Mike pushed him slightly to gain his attention and smiled. “I’m sure he will. Don’t worry about it too much.”

“If you say so,” Mat shrugged.

“Ah, I see the wrinkle has made it here a permanent home,” Mike grinned and poked Mat’s forehead.

“Oi, what wrinkle.” Mat brushed at his arm and frowned.

“That one.” Mike laughed.

“No,” Mat shook his head and relaxed his face. “There are no wrinkles to speak of, my beauty is still legendary.” He tried to keep a straight face but the corners of his mouth were twitching.

“Delusions,” Mike laughed. “So, what are you up to with all the free time?” he asked once the chuckles died down.

“Nothing much. Moblit promised to bring me some books, so at least I won’t be completely bored while I can’t get up from this fucking bed.” Mat sighed. “Otherwise mainly trying to sleep, though it’s not going that well,” he shrugged.

“Ah, sorry to hear that,” Mike said. “Make sure to tell me if there’s anything that would make this more comfortable for you.”

“Thank you,” Mat said and smirked. “But I’m not dying yet, so please don’t talk to me like I have some terminal disease.”

“Ah, right.” Mike chuckled.

“So what are you up to these days?” Mat nodded to him.

“Nothing special, same old same old,” Mike said and waved his hand. “I’m overlooking the training, sometimes babysitting the rookies. There’s a lot of paper, as per usual. Though I managed to get a quiet minute the other day, surprisingly.”

“That actually sounds nice,” Mat smiled.

“Yeah, I’m not complaining,” Mike nodded.

They let the quiet wash over them. Mat leaned back against the wall and let his eyes drop.

“What will you do?” Mike said after a moment.

“Hm?” Mat hummed and looked at him, his eyebrows raised.

“I mean, as this gets sorted. What do you want to do?” Mike said.

“I have no fucking idea,” Mat sighed and shrugged. “I’ve been mostly focusing on what will be tomorrow and not once all of this is over.”

“Yeah, sure.” Mike nodded. “Will you tell me then?” he said quietly and turned to Mat. “Once you’ll be making a decision, will you tell me? I’ll stand by you no matter what you choose, I just... I just want to know.”

“Yeah,” Mat nodded without hesitation. “Yeah, of course. I won’t just disappear, not if I can help it.”

“Okay,” Mike breathed out in relief.

“And I mean, I’m not sure I’d be able to leave even if I wanted to,” Mat continued.

“So you don’t want to?” Mike said, his eyebrows raised.

“I never wanted to,” Mat almost whispered and shook his head. “But I’m afraid there might not be a place for me here anymore.”

“That’s bullshit,” Mike shook his head and crossed his arms. “There will always be a place for you here.”

“Thanks,” Mat smiled. “Listen I know I haven’t really explained much yet-” he started, but got interrupted.

“Don’t,” Mike said and extended his arm to stop him. “You don’t have to justify anything. I’m sure you had your reasons.” He sighed. “Yes, you’ll probably need to explain things, but don’t explain yourself to me because you think you have to. You don’t. Tell me when you’re ready. When you feel like you want me to know.”

Mat let out a breath in relief and smiled. “Thanks. I’ll tell you, I promise. It’s a bit of a long story though and I think I’m too tired to go into it.”

“I know,” Mike smiled sadly at him. “It’s okay, I know.”

With another sigh Mat leaned back against the wall.

“You know what would feel really fucking good though?” he said, his eyes closed.

“What?” The corners of Mike’s lips twitched.

“A shower.” Mat breathed out.

“I can imagine,” Mike nodded. “Good then, let’s get you up.” He pushed himself off the bed and turned to Mat, extending his arm out.

“Huh? You mean right now?” Mat said, his eyes wide.

“Sure. I wouldn’t wanna see you try to get there on your own and unless you want Hanji helping you walk over there your only other option is to let me help you,” Mike said, shrugged and kept his arm out.

Mat sighed and reached for the arm which made Mike smile. He slowly pushed against the bed with his other arm and grasped Mike’s hand at the same time. The pull forward made him grunt but he managed to shuffle over to the edge of the bed. 

“Good, you’re doing good,” Mike said as he crouched a little lower to throw Mat’s arm around his shoulder. “We’ll take it slowly. Steady breaths, remember to keep breathing.”

Mat nodded and gritted his teeth as pain spread through his torso, shoulders and back. He counted in his mind as he kept breathing and scrunched his eyes when he stood upright. Most of his weight leaned against Mike who wrapped his arm around his waist to keep him steady.

“There you go,” Mike said and waited for a while, not moving.

Once Mat opened his eyes and nodded he took a small step forward with Mike keeping a strong hold on him. Then another one. They shuffled to the door together and Mat’s breathing grew laboured but he just gritted his teeth and pressed on to continue.

The closest showers were in the infirmary, which was a few doors down the corridor. At the time most of the Corps was occupied with their duties, so the corridor was empty. It took them quite a while of shuffling by the wall and Mat was growing increasingly more frustrated as he couldn’t go any faster, but they eventually managed to get through the infirmary and into the bathroom with shower stalls.

Mike helped him get to the nearest one and sat him down onto the stool next to the shower stall. After taking a breather Mat reached out to take off his shirt. With scrunched eyes and gritted teeth he managed to pull it off. Getting the pants down was more of an ordeal, but with Mike’s help and forced controlled breathing, they managed.

He really didn’t want to get up on his feet again, but the idea of staying in front of the shower stall also didn’t seem too appealing, so he let himself be pulled up by Mike, slowly, and guided into the shower. He then leaned against the wall and shooed Mike out, his arms raised and a grin on his face as he pulled the curtain behind him.

It took a lot of sighs and grunts, but Mat managed to get the water to have somewhat of a reasonable temperature. Though it felt great, it took quite the effort and so he decided to cut the shower short soon enough.

Mike brought a spare towel and handed it through the curtain, asking if everything was okay while he was in the infirmary to get it. 

Mat could feel the exhaustion growing on him and the process of getting dressed again and shuffling over to the infirmary got a bit hazy. Mike might have done most of the work. Maybe. Probably. Whatever.

He was gripping tightly on Mike’s arm as they shuffled through the corridor. Trying to keep his eyes open was getting more and more difficult and at some point he gave up on trying to hide the grunts and huffs that forced their way past his lips.

He hasn’t realized quite how, but suddenly he was next to his bed again and managed to lay down with Mike’d help. Relief washed over him and he let out a breath. The covers were thrown over him and he felt someone sit down on the edge of the bed. They must have been saying something, but Mat couldn’t quite make out what it was. His eyes blinked and fall shut and he dozed off, for the first time with no thoughts plaguing his mind. 

_____


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, I'm back from holidays with another update :)  
> It's a bit shorter this time, but I wanted to include it anyway. Let me know what you think of the story so far, or if there's anything you feel like is missing. Feedback is always appreciated :D
> 
> I'll be moving countries next week, so I'm not sure how I'll manage updates, but there are chapters ready, so I'd say there is more to be posted very soon.
> 
> Thank you for reading :)

Mike walked into the dinning hall and went to grab his dinner. The tables were mostly empty as the majority of the Corps has already left. He walked over to the higher-ups table and nodded to Hanji, Erwin and Levi who were just finishing their meals and taking their time with their tea. He waved to some other squad leaders at the opposite end of the table as he sat down as well.

“Why so late?” Hanji asked as she turned towards him.

“I stopped by at Mat’s for a bit,” Mike said. “Is there a reason you’re all staying behind?” He nodded towards them.

“No, not really,” Hanji waved her hand and spooned the last of her food off her plate.

“We’ve discussed the training regiments,” Erwin said, shooting Hanji a look.

Mike hummed and started eating. An uncomfortable silence took over the table. It seemed to be happening more often in the past days than ever before. _I wonder why._ Mike scoffed.

“How is he doing?” Hanji said, looking at him.

Mike sighed. “Not great. I think he fell asleep as I was leaving, so at least that’s progress.”

“Finally,” Hanji breathed out in relief and shook her head. “I don’t think I’ve seen him sleep in days.”

“Yeah,” Mike nodded with his brows furrowed. “Seemed like it.”

“Do you know why?” Erwin asked after a while, pointedly staring at the table and not meeting anyone’s eyes.

“There’s about a thousand reasons that could have something to do with it,” Hanji scoffed. “I’m afraid you might be one of them.” She glared at him and for a moment she thought she saw Erwin flinch but then she discarded the idea.

“Right,” he coughed and gulped down whatever was in his cup.

“You two could at least stop by, you know,” Mike shrugged and glanced at Erwin and Levi.

“I’m a bit busy right now with everything…” Erwin drowned out slowly. “But I’m planning to.”

“Lamest excuse ever,” Hanji said and shook her head. 

“How is he doing, apart from not sleeping?” Erwin said with a sigh.

“The injuries are healing, but it will take some time. Quite painful by the way,” Hanji said. “He also seems to believe it’s his fault somehow. After all of that, he refuses to say a bad word about either of you and keeps defending you.”

Erwin seemed to shrink into himself. Levi, who sat without a movement until now gripped his cup tighter and his fingers turned white with the strength.

“You don’t deserve it,” Hanji spat out after a while of quiet and glared at them. “You don’t deserve that kind of leniency with how you’re behaving.”

“Tch.” Levi scoffed and stood up abruptly without a word, slamming the cup down on the table and spilling some of his tea. He stalked off without another word or a glance their way.

“Do you think he’ll be able to forgive?” Erwin breathed out and rubbed his face.

“Yes,” Hanji shrugged without hesitation. “I don’t think he should though. Stop acting like a colossal asshole.” She stood up and grabbed her tray to take it back to the kitchen. 

Erwin sighed and stared in front of him, lost in thoughts.

“You know,” Mike said, getting his attention, “this is not unsolvable.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Erwin breathed out.

“It is not. Things can get better.” Mike shook his head and insisted. “It will be difficult, yes, but it’s possible. Mat wants you two there. And he’s willing to do anything and forgive anything to fix this.”

“Why?” Erwin whispered and looked at Mike.

“Because it’s Mat,” Mike said. “It’s still the same Mat as we know him and he still thinks of you the same he always did. He cares the same way he always did and he’s grateful that he got to meet you again after all those years, even if the circumstances are worse than shit.”

“We don’t deserve that,” Erwin shook his head and his sight fell down.

“No,” Mike said. “Do something about it.”

“What can I possibly do to help?” Erwin asked.

“Show up,” Mike sighed. “It’s literally that easy. Get over yourself and just show up.”

“Why would he want to see me though?” Erwin shook his head and frowned.

“Fuck Erwin, you don’t get it, do you?” Mike sighed and rubbed his face. “Just go talk to him. The bruises might be fading and will be gone after a while, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be okay. There is so much more to this and you know him. He won’t ask for anything if he can help it. Just, go and be there.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :D  
> Here's another chapter, let me know what you think.  
> I dare say there will be another update sometime next week, but don't hold me to it. Also it appears trying to squish your life into one box and a carry-on bag is hard, surprisingly :D
> 
> I hope the story isn't dragging out too much, but with the amount of times I was reading through those chapters it's hard to tell :D
> 
> Thanks for reading and hope to see you again in a couple of days :)

It’s been four days since they left him out of the cell and all the mornings looked pretty much the same. Hanji has barely left the room. Mostly when Mike came to kick her out. Mattias on the other hand has not left the room at all and it was starting to frustrate him. The worst of the pain has dissipated. The bruises were ugly, and he didn’t like looking at them too much, but otherwise the only thing hurting significantly were his ribs. He felt sore all the time, but at least he could move around a little.

A couple of times he accidently took a deeper or a faster breath than he should have and pain spread through his chest. It stabbed in all the wrong places and trying to calmly breath through was difficult. The coughing fit he’d go into otherwise though was even worse. 

“Good morning.” he smiled a little, reaching for his food.

“How are you doing?” Hanji beamed. “Did you sleep well?” she asked with a bright smile, completely ignoring the work she said she would do.

“Better. How about you? There must be something more exciting going on than me in here.” he said.

“Well, not really. You’re currently the hot news. The HQ is pretty boring as usual, everyone getting on with their chores and training, so the rumor about you is currently spreading like wildfire. Although Erwin is trying his best to hide everything for now.” she explained, chuckling at points.

He hummed in response, deciding to focus on his breakfast instead.

“Hey,” Hanji said after a bit of hesitation. “I don’t suppose Erwin has been here since…?” she asked carefully.

“No.” Mat shook his head. Suddenly he wasn’t so hungry anymore.

“And Levi?” she almost whispered, as if saying the words quietly would help.

“No.” he sighed and shook his head again.

“Fucking idiots.” Hanji cursed underneath her breath. “I swear I’m going to kick their bastard asses and knock some fucking sense into them! Colossal pieces of shit!” she rambled angrily, stood up from the chair and started pacing around the room.

“Hey, Hanji it’s fine. Don’t. Just give them some time.” Mat said, casting his sight down.

“They had enough time!” Hanji spurted, throwing her arms out. 

“Really. Leave them.” He said, his voice firm. “They don’t deserve any of this.”

Hanji paused her walking and let her arms drop. “You don’t either. Mat, you’re still you. I don’t know what happened, or why, but I know no matter the choices you had to make, you’re still the same Mat we all love.” She sighed walking to the bed and sat next to him. “You haven’t done anything wrong. Yes, this affects them, but it affects you as well and they have no right to be so stuck up to disregard you.” she paused, rubbing his back softly. “You know, I thought I lost you, but now you’re back and I can’t be anything but grateful that you’re here.”

“It’s not so simple Hanji. Not everyone is able to see it that way.” he sighed.

“Well, then they’re idiotic.” she exclaimed, making him look up at her face.

They stared at each other for a few seconds, but then the corners of their mouth started to turn up and soon they were doubled over, laughing.

“Geez Hanji.” he said once he managed to catch his breath. “I still haven’t figured out how you do that.” he shook his head while a wide smile stretched on his face.

“It’s a gift, you know.” she chuckled, cracking up again.

“I realized.” he chuckled.

“So, how was it outside?” Hanji quickly switched the topic and perked up. “I kinda really want to know. How was it to just stay there?”

He sighed and stretched his arms as a small smile settled on his face. “Calm, mostly. It’s very nice actually. You don’t have to hurry almost at all, there’s no paperwork, you can do whatever you want the whole day, really. After some time you start disregarding what time it is and just go with whatever you feel like doing. Titans aren’t that much of a problem if there’s only you and if you have enough supplies. You just need to be cautious about where you go, that’s it.” He said, remembering the days when he felt free.

“So the titans just disregarded you?” Hanji asked with eyes wide in amazement.

“Yes, if I was high enough in the trees,” he nodded, “they simply couldn’t catch my scent and I let them be. Also I was going out mostly in the evening when the sun was setting so they were getting drowsy.”

“Awesome. Maybe we could use that for further titan research.” Hanji said, zoning out and tapping her chin in thought.

“Oh yes, of course you’d think that.” Mat chuckled and let her think.

“Yes. We have actually done so much progress.” Hanji perked up again, losing her train of thought and completely switching focus. “We managed to capture two titans last time and experiment on them. I’ve got to show you the results next time, they’re fascinating. Unfortunately, somebody murdered the titans, so we lost them, but the progress we managed in the meantime is so important.” she gushed and gestured widely.

“Glad to know that you managed to learn something from them.” he said. “Hey, what else has been going on in here?” Mat asked.

“Oh,” Hanji hummed in thought. “Well, we lost a lot of people, but most of our group and the old ones are still here, you know,” she chuckled. “Otherwise, not much has happened. Chores, training, paperwork, Erwin still being the same cunning ass, Levi still being his grumpy self… except we have a titan shifter now. Trost has kind of fallen, but we managed to get it back! And well, now we found out that titan shifters exist, so there’s some research going on about that.” she shrugged.

“So Levi is finally leading a squad, huh?” Mat asked, a small smile appearing on his face.

“Oh yes. He complained about it for the longest time though.” Hanji said and started laughing. “But you know, he’s actually great. So many of the soldiers look up to him now.”

“I told you he’d be one day, remember?” he smiled.

“Yeah, I do.” she sighed. “It’s been so long, hasn’t it?”

“It has, oh the good old times.” Mat gushed and they both burst out laughing. 

“Hey there.” the door to the room opened and they both turned their heads to see Mike shuffling in.

“Hey Mike.” Hanji beamed.

“Hello.” Mat said and smiled.

“What was so exciting?” Mike asks as he goes to sit next to Mat and Hanji.

“We were just talking about the good old times.” Hanji said and smiled brightly.

“You mean when half of us were rookies and scared shitless?” Mike asked casually.

“Exactly.” Mat said, resulting in them bursting out laughing again.

“Still remember when Levi was wet behind his ears? And his squad all rookie and shaking when you so much as looked at them? Oh geez, I think even Erwin used to be nervous then...” Hanji burst out in between laughs.

“He so was! Remember how he used to prep himself before giving a speech?” Mat said.

“He’s still doing that though.” Mike pointed out, bringing in another wave of laughter.

“Honestly, I thought he would at least get rid of the eyebrows by now, but apparently no.” Mat exclaimed through the laughter.

“Oh yes. Remember how we promised to shave them off? We should definitely do that!” Hanji laughed.

“Speaking of Erwin,” Mike interrupted after a while, sounding somewhat somber. “Has he already got the guts to show up?” he asked.

“No, not yet.” Mat responded slowly, his smile dropping a little from his face.

“Still the same bastard, I see.” Mike muttered underneath his breath. “And I suppose the midget hasn’t shown his face either.” He grumbled. “They better get their heads straight soon or I’m gonna kick their asses.”

“Hey, it’s okay though.” Mat jumped in. “They’re busy and it’s difficult. It will be alright.”

“You need to stop with that bullshit excuses.” Hanji stated, poking his side.

“They’ll figure themselves out eventually.” Mat said.

_____ 

The next day a knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts. Neither Hanji nor Mike had the time to stop by since yesterday and he was somewhat bored, staring at the white wall in front of him. The books Moblit brought were a nice distraction, but reading made his head hurt sometimes, so he took breaks.

“Yes?” Mat called, glad someone came to distract him. He wondered if it was Hanji or Mike, not really daring to hope for anyone else, but when the door opened his eyes widened in shock.

“Hello.” Petra said as she pushed the door out of the way. “I- Can we come in?” 

Mike stared at the door, but managed to nod his head. Petra smiled faintly and carefully walked in, followed by Oluo, Eld and Gunther, who closed the door behind them. 

“We overheard Hanji and Mike talking and-” Petra started, staring at him. She paused for a bit and her lower lip trembled. “We figured we’d come see if it really is true, Mat?” her voice shook.

“I-” he was about to deny, but the look on their faces stopped him. “Yes, it is,” he said quietly.

“Oh, Mat!” she covered her mouth with her hands for a moment, before throwing herself onto Mat, hugging him tightly.

He hugged her back after a bit of hesitation. 

“Wow.” Eld breathed out and patted Mat on the shoulder. “I- it’s kind of hard to believe.” 

“I know.” Mat sighed as Petra let go of him.

“Welcome back.” Gunther said, smiling widely.

“Yeah… Wait,” Mat frowned. “Does anyone know you’re here?” he asked. 

“No.” Petra said as they all shook their heads. “Why?” 

“I don’t think it’s official yet. I’m not really supposed to be walking around the place and letting people know…” Mat said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’ll be alright. We can keep quiet.” Eld smiled and shot the rest of the squad a look.

“Right. Well thank you for the visit anyway. It’s good to see you.” Mat smiled.

“It’s great to see you too.” Petra beamed. “We’re all glad you made it back.”

“Yes. But I wonder, why did it take so long?” Oulo asked, his eyebrows raised.

“Oulo!” Petra went to scold him, but Mat stopped her.

“It’s okay. I understand where he’s coming from.” Mat said, taking a breath before continuing. “We tried all we could, but nothing worked. We couldn’t make it.”

“We? You mean they are…?” Petra asked, her voice rising with hope.

“No.” Mat answered quickly. “No one else made it, that I know of.”

“So you were out there alone?” Oulo asked, crossing his arms in front of him.

“Eventually, yes. After trying to come back time and time again I couldn’t come up with anything else than giving up. I had no more options to try.” Mat answered, his voice hard. 

“Okay, I think that’s enough for now. We have no reason to doubt him.” Eld said, looking at Oulo, who shrugged his shoulders, looking away.

“It’s fine. It’s not an easy situation for anyone.” Mat said, smiling slightly.

“Has Erwin said anything yet?” Gunther asked, frowning, his voice laced with concern.

“No.” Mat shook his head, looking down while Petra shot him an encouraging smile. 

“We’re glad to have you back anyway. Everyone has really missed you and after the initial shock wears down, I’m sure it will be alright.” she cheered.

“Thanks,” Mat smiled. “How have you been doing?”

“Pretty good, I’d say,” Eld nodded. “The training’s been hard and you know Levi,” he chuckled. “But I think it helped us improve a lot.”

“That’s good to hear,” Mat said. “I’m glad the whole squad stuck together.”

“Yeah, thanks to your help back in the days,” Eld grinned.

“Ahm you’re giving me way too much credit,” Mat waved his hand. “When I last saw you working together, you were doing great.”

“Thank you,” 

_____


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :)
> 
> Another update here, it seems like I'm actually managing something similar to a regular posting schedule :D  
> As always, would love to hear you thoughts in the comments below.
> 
> Thanks for reading and see you in a few days :)

_  
A report after report. One piece of paper on top of another. All of them the same. No matter how hard you’d look, there was no difference. One gear after another. All from the same batch. Nothing was out of the ordinary, yet nothing was right. No other division, team, squad… No one reported anything out of the ordinary. This was happening to his division. But nothing was happening. A few gears failed. So what? It happens all the time._

_Except not like this. The same parts. Identical accidents. No complications suspected before the gear gave out. They all looked exactly like the other. Staged? No, the gears were sent to be examined to the technicians. He held them in his hands. Maybe he was too paranoid. Maybe it wasn’t all an accident. Hard to say._

_They are looking for a scapegoat._

_Erwin’s words._

_They won’t find anything, I won’t let them._

_Don’t make promises you can’t keep._

_Does it make a difference if I make a mistake or if they make it look like I did? In the end, it doesn’t. The consequences will be all the same._

_Mat ran his hands through his hair and over his face where he let them rest. The conversation with Erwin was playing in his mind on repeat. A revolutionary expedition that would send everyone to their deaths. The letters from Sina, doubting his abilities and competence, suggesting to think of a replacement. Broken gear, another failure. They became more common nowadays. How convenient._

_There has to be an explanation for this, Erwin._

_You think someone did it on purpose? Sabotage is a strong accusation._

_I know. I’m sorry if I’m asking too much, but I can’t believe this is just an accident._

_I’ll pull some strings and have someone look into it. In all honesty, I hope you’re wrong._

_Me too._

_He put another stack aside. Noticing he was almost finished. Waves of relief washed over him once his table wasn’t covered in papers anymore. Just a little longer to the finish line. He went on, scribbling at the papers, the suffocating feeling of anxiety leaving his chest with every piece of paper he put aside. Most of the papers were set to be taken to Erwin. Except he forgot what was waiting for him underneath those papers._

_The letters of condolences were sent to the families of the fallen, first thing after they returned from an expedition. Apart from letters they received a patch and a purple string._

_It wasn’t uncommon for the family to respond to the letters. Sometimes they wanted to know more about what happened. Sometimes they thanked him for taking care of their loved ones. Sometimes they swore at him and poured their anger out. Each of the letters broke his heart in a different way. They all asked for something he couldn’t provide. It was also common that with the letters, the purple strings returned as well. Everyone knew those were almost a mockery, yet the military was forced to send them out anyway._

_A set of purple strings set on his table atop a stack of open letters. The paper was either crumbled, torn or stained with tears. He has read all of them. He always read all of them and never threw a single one away. They were almost glaring at him this time, the purple too bright to bear yet he couldn’t avert his gaze._

_Don’t stop! We’re almost at the base! No matter what, don’t fall behind!_

_The screams tore through his mind and echoed the room, cutting through the silence._

_None of you are allowed to die today!_

_They don’t listen to that command like they used to._

_All those words morphed into one. The room disappeared from his eyes and was replaced by the sight of soldiers falling down in splashes of red. The grass wasn’t green anymore and the air smelled of death. He pulled his swords through another nape when he felt drops trickling onto his face from above. He just darted away. There was no time to look back. Except the drops never vaporized. He found them again when he reached his bathroom in the HQ._

_The feeling of another soldier’s blood on his face made his stomach turn again. The scenes played in front of his eyes again and again until he wasn’t sure whether it was already over. Maybe he was back on the battlefield. Maybe a titan was finally squeezing the life out of him and he never really made it out of there._

_Mat!_

_A scream echoed through him. Who was it? His team? Levi? Hanji or Mike? Erwin? Did it matter? He slashed as hard as he could without seeing, slammed the triggers on his ODM gear, frantically tried every action possible that would get him out of there, before anyone else could reach him. He refused to let other people die trying to save him._

_Mattias!_

_He jolted in his chair and almost lost balance. The battlefield was gone. The screams and echoes were gone. The blood was gone. The smell was gone. There was only the dark in his office and stiff air. His head was pounding and the world was turning around him. His stomach churned and he could feel the cold sweat drying on his back._

_The office was empty._

_Where did the scream come from then? He didn’t know. His throat was dry and there was something in his face making the room blurry. He carefully moved his arm, seeing if it still worked, if it was still his. He slowly reached up and pressed his fingers to his cheek. He pulled them away, surprised at the feeling of something on his cheek and at the cold wetness on his fingertips. Were those tears? He reached back again and wiped along his cheek lightly._

_The spinning slowed down and the room seemed back to normal._

_Did that just happen?_

_He stood up from the chair, grabbing the table for support as his legs wobbled. He took in a ragged breath and let it out. Again. Again. He made a couple unsure steps and stopped when he realized where he was heading. He let out a sigh and ran his hand through his hair. It couldn’t be helped. There was no other thing that would make the images disappear._

_He made a few more steps to reach the cabinet and pulled out an open bottle of something. He wasn’t sure what it was anymore. The only thing he knew was that it burnt as he swallowed and it made him forget. He remembered the times when he drank for the taste and enjoyed trying different types of alcohol. Those days were long gone._

_Now, those days turned into times when this suspicious bottle of something strong was his only friend._

_He should definitely pour it down the drain._

_Maybe he would be strong enough one day. But not today._

_Too tired to care about glasses, he walked back to the table. He set the bottle down and was about to sit, when he caught the window to his side in the corner of his eye. It was dark outside, but the view made him pause for once. He opted to grab the bottle and sit down on the floor, leaning his back against the table so that he could look at the sky through the window._

_How cheesy._

_He took a swing from the bottle, the familiar burning calming him down. He was glad to be alone right now. Despite how much he trusted the people around him, he didn’t want them to see him like this. There was no need to make them worry even more than they already did._

_The voices of fallen soldiers came back and their faces flashed in front of his eyes. He quickly took another big gulp to make them go away. His eyes stung with unshed tears and he couldn’t help but think that he deserved this. Who was he to decide their deaths?_

_His thoughts suddenly wandered back to his family. What would they think if they saw him now? But then he realized that they wouldn’t think of him any different than they already did. They hated him from the moment he enlisted to the Survey Corps. His mom cried, talking about how she lost her son. They told him to never come back home. He was dead to them._

_He thought it was going to happen but he chose the Survey Corps anyway, believing he could do something with his life there. He could bring something good to humanity. Yet the only thing he brought throughout the years was death, it seemed. Maybe he made a mistake when he enlisted. Maybe he should have died on the expedition with the rest of them. He drank some more._

_On the other hand, that would be a merciful end, wouldn’t it?_

_He didn’t deserve any mercy from this world._

_More gulps followed. His throat constricted and his shoulders shook. Tears spilled over his face. He gasped for air and his hand clamped around his mouth in fear of making any sound._

_A knock on his door made him quiver in his place. He didn’t respond but the door opened anyway and light from the hall made its way inside. He was glad the table was between himself and whoever entered the room. A few steps echoed as the person walked closer and Mat pushed his hand against his mouth harder. His body shook and tears were streaming down his face. After a few moments the person turned around and left the office, closing the door behind them harshly._

_Mat let out a scared sigh, hoping that the person wouldn’t turn around. He should have remembered to lock the door. He pulled himself up, clutching at the table as his legs wobbled underneath him. He took a few steps forward until he felt somewhat sure and then walked towards the door. He locked it and slumped against it as a sob wrecked through him. Trying to be quiet, he made his way back behind the table, crumbled to the floor and let a few more sobs escape before he clamped his hands over his mouth again. The least he could do was try to prevent people from hearing him._

_He reached for the bottle once again and swallowed till his mind was hazy. There were sounds and images, but he couldn’t make them apart anymore. The tears have run dry. His breathing was shallow, but it didn’t matter anymore. He was too tired to care and instead kept staring at the window. After he downed the rest of the bottle, he just felt empty._


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :D  
> Another update here. I'm going to try and post more often from now on, but I don't think I can promise anything just yet. My schedule has freed up a little though :D
> 
> As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the story so far. There are some quite exciting parts ahead and I can't wait to get there :D What do you think of the pacing or the character portrayal? 
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope to see you next time as well (the latest in a week :D )

Mattias woke up early in the morning. His sleep was restless and the repeating nightmares haven’t helped at all. He kept turning around in his sleep and woke up with everything hurting. One particular nightmare made him shoot up with a gasp and the pain in his chest that spread next made him groan and curl in on himself. He counted down as he tried to breathe slowly. The images were still in his mind and he could feel the damp shirt sticking to his back. Slowly, his breathing evened out and he layed back down as the pain eased. After some unsuccessful attempts at closing his eyes and getting more sleep, he gave up and sat up on the bed, letting out a yawn. One look at the window was enough to confirm that it indeed was way too early. 

He carefully let his legs down from the bed and flinched slightly at the cold floor. Pushing himself off the bed, he hissed in pain. The time spent resting in the room has certainly helped, but the bruises still hurt and they would hurt for quite some time. He walked towards the window, taking it step by step, praying not to lose his balance.

He caught himself on the windowsill, gazing out into the field, observing the sun peeking over the horizon and through the forest. He stared at the sky and the clouds rolling around and suddenly, he felt home. Focusing on the place outside with everything he had, pushing the room out of his mind, he could almost feel the wind in his face again and hear the sound of birds waking up and starting their day. He felt content, just how he used to feel back out there. 

_Home. ___

__The word passed through his mind and he stood frozen by the window, worried that if he moved even a tiny bit, the feeling would go away forever. He ignored all the voices in his mind and focused on that one word, staring out of the window but not really perceiving anything from out there. At that point, there was nothing else but home._ _

__A sharp knock on the door made him jump on the spot and hiss once again. He looked back at the window realizing he must have been staring for a really long time and his back hurt from all the standing._ _

__“Come in.” He called._ _

__The door slowly opened and his eyebrows shot up in surprise upon seeing Erwin peek into the room. He walked in and closed the door behind him, not saying anything, folding and unfolding his hands a couple times._ _

__After a few seconds, Erwin cleared his throat. “Good morning.” he said carefully._ _

__“Good morning.” Mat replied, awkwardly shifting around on the spot._ _

__“I-” Erwin hesitated, “wanted to check how you’re doing.”_ _

__“I’m doing good. Better now.” Mat nodded._ _

__“That’s good to hear.” Erwin nodded back, his sight glazing over the room. “There are a couple things about… the situation” Erwin paused, but resumed hurriedly, “that I need to tell you about.”_ _

__Mat nodded until a shot of pain through his back persuaded him it was time to go back to sitting. He took a step and scrunched his face in discomfort._ _

__“Yeah, sure. I just, could you help me first?” he asked, trying not to lose his balance._ _

__Erwin immediately walked to his side, frowning, and caught his arm. He carefully walked Mat back to the bed, concern washing over his face._ _

__“Is there something I can help with?” Erwin asked as Mat sat down._ _

__“No, it’s okay. I’m really doing better, though I probably should have listened to Hanji about the whole not-pushing-myself-too-hard thing.” Mattias said and smiled when he heard Erwin chuckle._ _

__“Lesson learnt I hope.” Erwin said._ _

__“We’ll see for how long.” Mat smiled. “And how are you doing?”_ _

__“Same old, same old. It’s always busy here, filling in reports from one expedition and preparing for the next one. Time really flies by. But the corps is doing good, we have some exceptionally skilled soldiers and things are running a lot smoother than they used to.” Erwin said, nodding as he talked._ _

__“That’s good to hear.” Mat nodded once again. “But how are you really doing?”_ _

__“Huh? I just said-” Erwin sounded confused, but got cut off._ _

__“You said there’s a lot of work and that the corps is doing good, but you haven’t said much about how things are for you. And I don’t mean work.” Mat answered, pointed look on his face, drilling holes through Erwin._ _

__“Oh yeah, I’m doing good. It’s all fine.” Erwin nodded hurriedly. “I- it’s hard finding time for anything else besides the corps.”_ _

__“Yeah, I know,” Mat smiled sadly. “Stop by sometimes, for tea or something. You know, just because. If you want to, that is.”_ _

__“Sure,” Erwin nodded. “I’d like to.”_ _

__“Good,” Mat smiled. “What was it that you wanted to talk about?”_ _

__“I actually need to discuss with you a couple things regarding the corps.” Erwin sighed._ _

__“Okay, sure. Bring it on.” Mat sighed._ _

__“I thought maybe we could try to claim you’re someone else, but news travel fast around here. Rumours spread quickly and many people here still know you and remember you. So I’m afraid we’ll have to admit that it is you. Many people have already started questioning what’s going on.” Erwin started talking, scratching his jaw in thought._ _

__“Wait, you talk like it’s certain I will be staying here.” Mat said, not liking the start of the speech at all._ _

__Erwin shot him a look. “Well, there’s not much else to it right now. We can’t just let you disappear, even if it’s not back outside the walls. We’ll firstly have to explain the situation somehow and the only way you would get to leave the Corps quickly would be if other divisions got custody over you.” Erwin sighed and rubbed his face. “It’s difficult to figure out how to treat all of this because you were technically pronounced dead, and you haven’t done anything illegal, but it might be seen as going against orders. Later, once all of this is figured out we might be able to discharge you if you’ll want to, but that might be tricky as well.”_ _

__“Yeah, I haven’t thought about all of this so far.” Mat shook his head._ _

__“Sure,” Erwin nodded. “That’s fine. I’ll try to fix as much as I can.” He sighed and rubbed his face again. “I was forced to report back to the interior on the situation. There wasn’t any way around it. I’m waiting for their reply, but as you can imagine, I don’t expect things to go smoothly.”_ _

__“What would they want with me now?” Mat asked, already knowing the answer._ _

__“They will be suspicious. Right now, almost anything is used for an accusation of betrayal. It has become somewhat of a joke, but the charges could be serious. I don’t know much now, but please, I need you to cooperate.” His sight was locked on Mat, the look on his face so unusual it almost seemed out of place. He was pleading._ _

__“I know. I will try, but you do realize this isn’t easy for me?” Mat shook his head._ _

__“I realize and I’m sorry things went this way. I will do my best to sort everything out.” Erwin sighed, his gaze set down._ _

__“I believe you Erwin, and I trust you.” Mat said, making Erwin look at him._ _

__“Thank you, but don’t get ahead of yourself. This won’t be easy,” he said, regret lacing his voice._ _

__Mat nodded, smiling he replied, “I’m not, and don’t worry so much for once. Whatever comes, I’ll manage. Also, don’t go soft on me now.” Mat smiled and observed Erwin’s face change from shock to amusement before he continued. “I don’t think of you any differently than I have used to Erwin. For me, nothing has changed.”_ _

__Erwin stared at Mattias, his eyes wide. A feeling he almost hadn’t recognized washed over him. Relief. His shoulders fell and a smile broke on his face. “Thank you,” he let out a breath._ _

__“It’s okay,” Mat nodded with a smile before it slipped away. “Erwin, there was a point where I was convinced I’m not going to live for too long, and I was okay with it. For most of the time outside I believed I’m never going to meet any of you again and I came to accept it. Whatever happens, I’ll be okay.” Mat said and tried to put up a smile to ease the worry evident on Erwin’s face. “I’m made of tough stuff, I can handle whatever comes.” He grinned._ _

__Erwin’s face fell even more than before. “I’m so sorry for- for everything, if I knew-”_ _

__“But you didn’t,” Mat cut him off with a shake of his head. “You couldn’t have known.”_ _

__“Still,” Erwin shook his head. “I could have done things differently. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but just know I’d never intentionally hurt you.”_ _

__“I know, you were doing what you thought you had to,” Mat said calmly._ _

__“I- I thought maybe you- and we just found someone out there and I thought maybe it would lead us somewhere and I just wanted to-” he started rambling and his voice wavered a little as he put his head in his hands._ _

__“I know Erwin, I know. It’s okay,” Mat repeated softly._ _

__“It’s not though,” Erwin shook his head and looked back up. “We’ve made you suffer through so much, and after everything you’ve been through, after you’ve done so much for us.”_ _

__“I could have said something,” Mat countered. “I could have told you, but I didn’t. That wasn’t your fault. I chose for myself because I believed it was the right thing to do. Don’t make either of our choices mean nothing. You always say so yourself,” Mat smiled a little. “I knew what I was doing and I accepted the consequences. Don’t blame yourself.”_ _

__“Well, my choice has consequences as well,” Erwin said. “I’ll fight for you, with everything I have and then some more. I don’t care if you’re ready to accept any result. I’m not. I plan to atone for my mistakes.”_ _

__“Thank you. But don’t do this if you only see it as a way to fix some mistake. I don’t want that.” Mat said._ _

__“It’s not. I’m not ready to just accept whatever might happen. I believe we still have choices and a chance to make this work,” Erwin said, his tone leaving no room for argument. “Besides, I have selfish reasons as well.” He looked to the side and took a breath before continuing. “You’re important for me as well, I don’t intend on just letting you go a second time.”_ _

__Mat’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth but somehow didn’t find the right words to say._ _

__“I hope you’ll forgive me for all of this one day,” Erwin sighed. “Though I know it’s asking too much. In the meantime, I promise to do what I can, for a highly valued and important close friend of mine.” He smiled a little._ _

__Mat opened his mouth to respond, but before he said a word, a knock interrupted him. The door opened and the next moment Hanji walked in._ _

__“Hey there! It’s time to get up. The old douche finally caved and said he’d stopped by today so brace yourself-” she called, closing the door behind her, but stopped abruptly when she took in the scene before her. “Oh, good morning Erwin.”_ _

__“Good morning Hanji.” Erwin chuckled, standing up from the bed. “I think that’s my que. See you later Mattias.” He started walking to the door._ _

__“See you Erwin.” Mat replied, but called once again before Erwin walked out. “Hey Erwin.”_ _

__“Hm?” Erwin turned around with his eyebrows raised._ _

__“You should listen to your own advice more.” Mattias chuckled as Erwin smiled, shaking his head and closing the door behind him._ _

________ _


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :)  
> Another update here. As always, let me know what you think, what you like / don't like and what you'd like to see more of. The long-awaited Levi chapter should be either the next one or the one after that. I'm hoping to start posting more, so either way it will be up sometime next week, so look out for that :D
> 
> Thanks for reading and I'll be back soon with more stuff :D

It was dark. And cold. Everything seemed to ache, more or less. Actually, more. Everything ached more than what he would call a lesser pain. He tried to turn around and find at least something. A groan made it past his lips as more pain spread through every part he moved even a little. No moving it was then. His head pounded and he could hear his own heartbeat through the silence. It drummed on, fast and loud. 

With some blinking the darkness shifted and separated into shadows. Two in particular stood out to him. A silhouette slumped in a sitting position with hands chained above their head, hanging low. Another one standing in front of them with their hands crossed in front of them.

It seemed like they were talking, but he couldn’t make out what it was. Some angry screaming and nasty jabs at each other, but the individual words kept escaping him no matter how hard he tried. It all mixed in with the pounding in his head and created a layer of even noise.

The person standing stepped back a little and swung out their leg, hitting the other one. Pain spread through his ribs and he shouted out in surprise. The person slumping down seemed to cough and spit out. They said something that apparently warranted another kick.

“No!” he shouted as another wave of pain spread through him, “Stop!”

No response. They couldn’t hear him. 

Cold sweat ran down his back. His stomach dropped and he could feel the panic rise, forming a lump in his throat. The shadowy image in front of him blurred. He tried to move, but everything hurt too much. The silhouettes moved slower and slower. 

“Stop it!” he shouted again when he saw the person swinging their leg again. “Aah!” Pain spread through his torso when the kick finally landed.

He felt the need to turn, run, trash around, do something, but his limbs wouldn’t move. There was something wet on his cheeks but he couldn’t wipe it off.

“No! Don’t!” He kept screaming at them, feeling scratchiness in his throat. “Please stop! Please!” he sobbed out as more pain spread through him.

He could feel himself shaking all over. There was nothing to do, but watch. Kick after kick. A hit and then a stomp. A knee to the stomach. A knee to the head. More pain, screams, sobbing and pleading.

_Name! Year! Something!_

_I can’t!_

_Cut it out!_

_Why the fuck haven’t you figured that out yet?!_

_You have no idea what you’re talking about!_

_So go ahead, I should have been dead anyway by now, so why don’t you just do it?_

_No one is getting you out of here._

_Then you’re a spy or a traitor or both._

_I-I’m not! I’m not. I swear._

_Where did you steal it? Who from?! How?!_

_It’s mine! I didn’t! It’s mine!_

_No stupid loyalty is going to save you here._

_No! No! Stop! Please._

The screams and shouts echoed around, through the room, in his head, who knows. He shook his head and scrunched his eyes. His own screams of pain couldn’t drown out the noise. The scene in front of him continued on even despite closed eyelids. There was nowhere to hide.

“Stop!”

“Answer the questions.”

“Please don’t! No!”

“A shit-stain like you shouldn’t have made it for so long!” 

“I can’t!”

“Why aren’t you dead yet?!”

“Does this help you in any way?!”

“End it!” 

He tried to gulp down air but it felt like none of it was reaching his lungs. The pain made him dizzy, the image in front of him swirled and the shouts sounded more like they were coming from behind glass. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and make it all stop.

“Mattias!”

A voice called and made him flinch. He hasn't heard this one in years.

“Mattias!” 

Where was it coming from? He tried to turn, but couldn’t. He couldn’t see anyone else but the two silhouettes. Where was it?! He needed to see! He has to find them!

“Captain! We need orders!” 

“Don’t fall behind!”

“No dying, you hear me?!”

The voices rang out in his mind. He felt frantic as he tried to turn, to look, to search for them. He needed to find them! Where were they?!

“No! Mat! Careful!” 

“We’ll follow you to our graves if that’s what it takes.”

“We trust you!”

“No, don’t,” he sobbed out with more tears spilling out on his cheeks. “You shouldn’t.”

“Go! They need you more than me!”

“I need you though,” he called, but no one responded.

“None of it was your fault.”

“How can that be true?!” he screamed into the cacophony of sounds.

“Promise you won’t forget us.”

“I won’t! I won’t ever forget. I promise,” he sobbed out, his voice cracking.

“Then what are you doing now?”

“I- I couldn’t- I tried to help. I tried, I swear!” 

“You’re not dead yet, so don’t pretend to be.”

“Why?” He cried out. “Why am I not dead?”

“You promised that no one will die in vain. Not on your watch.”

“Yeah.”

“Then what are you doing?”

“I’m-” his breath got caught in his throat. “I’m sorry. I can’t-”

“Mattias!”

“Captain!”

“Mat!”

“Don’t forget us!”

“Promise you’ll carry on!” 

“Don’t let us disappear!”

.....

Mat sat up with a shout, followed by a scream of pain. His ribs hurt. His back hurt. His head was spinning and his throat felt raw. His face was drenched in tears. The shirt stuck to him, uncomfortably wet.

He gasped for air and then forced himself to breathe slower. His face felt tingly and he noticed a spot on the wall opposite of him. The room was lit with early daylight coming in through the window. He kept breathing in, and out. One after the other. The sheets on his bed were wet with sweat.

He heard the door open and sets of footsteps rushed in. The stain on the wall was the only thing he could see.

There was one person on each side of him and he could hear them talking to him, but he couldn’t make out the words at all. Familiar voices. Safe.

He gripped the wet sheets as his chest hurt, each breath making a new wave of pain flare up. The stain swirled. Or maybe it was his head spinning.

_You’re doing good. Careful breaths. There._

There was a silhouette standing in the corner of the room. He could see it in the corner of his eye but couldn’t turn away from looking at the forsaken stain on the wall.

_We’re here for you if you ever need us. Don’t forget that._

_You need to go back to actually living your life._

His breath cough in his throat and a fit of coughs followed, making him hunch over. He could feel hands rubbing his back and someone holding him steady and keeping him from falling over. The stain shifted.

_Don’t let us disappear, Mat._

_You’re the best this Corps has seen. Your work is not done yet._

He felt sweat run down his forehead, over the temple and behind his neck. More wetness seeped into his shirt.

“Mat, you’re okay. It’s all okay. Slow breaths, you’re doing good. Try, focus on me, okay?” a familiar voice to his left kept repeating.

_We miss you too. But it’s time to move on. You promised you’d carry on, Mat._

_Remember us, but remember that life goes on, always._

The silhouette in the corner started fading out. He wanted to reach out. He wanted it to stay. Panic started to rise again and the last of the outlines in the corner disappeared.

“Mat! Come on. We’re here with you. It’s alright. Just breathe,” a voice to his right said and the person squeezed his shoulder.

“Why?” he sobbed out as his breaths evened out a little and his sight fell from the stain on the wall. 

“What is it?” the voice to his left said.

_Why did you have to leave me?_

He shook his head and swallowed. His eyelids grew heavy and he tried to scoot backwards. The hands helped him lean against the wall and he closed his eyes when he felt the coldness against the back of his head.

“Mat? Can you hear me?” the voice to his left said. _Hanji_. She left her hand on his shoulder.

He nodded his head a little. “Yeah,” he croaked and took measured breaths again. He felt the lump in his throat return. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and then there were tears on his face again.

“It’s okay.” _Mike_. He squeezed Mat’s right shoulder. “It’s all okay. Steady breaths.”

“I’m sorry,” he wheezed out again and wiped the tears off his face with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry.”

Hanji shushed him softly and rubbed his arm. “It’s okay.”

It took a few more breaths in silence before Mat relaxed a little and slumped down. He gathered all his strength and opened his eyes again to look at them.

“Thanks,” he breathed out but then frowned. “Why are you both here though? I’m glad you are, just...”

“A nurse on the nightshift heard you shouting and called us,” Hanji said. “How are you feeling now?”

“Like shit,” Mat breathed out and rubbed his face. “I’m sorry for the trouble.”

“Don’t be,” Hanji shook her head. “Can you tell us what happened?” she asked after a small hesitation.

“I-It’s just...” Mat sighed. “Same old crap. I never actually got better in sleeping through the night.”

“Right,” Hanji said, but breathed out in relief when she looked him over. “I can get some tea for you, if you’d want some?”

Mat nodded with a small smile. “Yeah, thanks.”

She stood up from the bed and with a last glance back left the room, shutting the door behind her softly. Mat slumped down again and leaned his head back against the wall with a sigh.

“You look like shit,” Mike noted.

“Thanks,” Mat said but grinned and glanced at him. “It’s good to know I’m ruining my reputation.”

“You can talk to me about, or Hanji, you know?” Mike said, the smirk slowly fading from his face.

“Yeah, it’s just-” Mat sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t think I want to talk about it at all.”

“Sure,” Mike nodded.

“I’m sorry you had to wake up this early because of me,” Mat sighed.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve had way worse with you,” Mike said and grinned, pushing Mat a little.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Mat shook his head, trying to stay serious but the corners of his mouth pulled a little.

“Really?!” Mike raised an eyebrow and smirked.

A comfortable silence settled over the room again for a few moments. Mat glanced at the window, a reminder of home.

After a few more beats of quiet, Mike sighed. “So is it always like this?”

“Huh? What?” Mat startled.

“This- today-” Mike gestured around them. “I’m not sure what was wrong and I don’t need to know what exactly was going on if you don’t want to talk about it. I just...”

Mat sighed. “It’s not that bad usually. It also doesn’t happen often. The last one was a long time ago. I- I’m fine.”

“There must be something to do about it,” Mike said. “Or something that would help you.”

“Not really. I mean, sure, there are things that help, but mostly it just has to pass. It’s always been like that.” Mat shrugged and turned to look away, focusing his sight on the floor.

“You’ve never really talked about it though,” Mike said. “Before, I mean.”

“Yeah, there was no need to,” Mat shook his head. “Sometimes I feel like shit, so what. Don’t we all? It just has to pass. I’m not going to die because of it. It never affected my work. There’s nothing to do about it.”

“You could have at least told us,” Mike said, his voice weirdly clipped. “We could have helped somehow.”

“How?” Mat threw his arms out and turned to him. “I know you want to help and it’s all with good intentions, but I just don’t want to deal with this all the time. I don’t want this to be a thing that takes up my time and that I have to think about. I don’t want it to exist, and if it doesn’t exist when I’m with you then that’s as good as it gets. I don’t want to be dealing with all of this.”

Mike nodded slowly, but didn’t look too convinced.

“I just- I just wanted things to be normal. At least as normal as they could with everyone fucking dying all the time,” Mat said. “That’s why I haven’t said anything.”

“Okay,” Mike breathed out. “If keeping your mind off of everything is what will help, you got it. Just remember that we’re here, if you need anything.”

“Okay,” Mat sighed and smiled a little.

“So, normal?” Mike frowned and rubbed his face in thought. “Honestly, what does normal even mean?” He smirked. 

“Who the fuck knows anymore,” Mat shrugged and grinned.

“We’ll make it work somehow,” Mike shrugged.

“Sure,” Mat laughed before turning a little more somber again. “I meant it though. Vast majority of the time, I’m okay. Really. Don’t worry about this.”

“I-” Mike hesitated and breathed out. “I’m not sure I can just not worry.”

“How about this,” Mat said. “I’ll promise that if it gets worse in any way I’ll tell you right away. If I’ll feel that I’m not handling it, even a little, I’ll tell you.”

Mike nodded. “Okay,” he said slowly. “Okay, that sounds good.”

“Good,” Mat smiled and pushed him a little. “Now, I don’t remember shoving a stick up your ass before and I don’t think my memory is that shit, so who’s done it?”

“My ass is perfectly fine, thank you,” Mike scoffed.

“If you say so,” Mat shrugged with a grin.

After that Hanji returned with tea and they spent the rest of the morning chatting about nothing in particular. Hanji with Mike stayed with him until it was time for breakfast and even then they left only after he threatened to actually kick them out.

He breathed out in relief when the door fell shut behind them. A little twinge of guilt appeared and he thought that he should be happy for getting to spend time with them. It was just a little tiring sometimes. He sat back onto the bed, leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. He hasn’t slept well and the images were still fresh in his mind. He also wasn’t quite sure how to make sense of whatever it all was. Somewhere mid thought about the people he heard that morning even though he shouldn’t be able to anymore, he dozed off into a light sleep.

.....

The day lazily passed by and he kept falling in and out of sleep. Someone left lunch in his room while he was sleeping, which he ate while reading one of the books Moblit brought earlier. There was nothing else to do really. Everyone was busy with actually running the Corps and Mat didn’t have the permission to even leave his room. He did manage to get through quite a few books so far. At least that could be taken as a positive.

When someone knocked on his door late in the evening, he startled. He didn’t think anyone would be stopping by any time soon.

“Come in,” he called and glanced back at his window. It was slowly getting darker outside.

“Hello,” Erwin said as he opened the door and walked in. “I’m sorry to come in so late.”

“There’s no problem with tha. I’m quite bored by myself most of the time, so visits are welcome,” Mat smiled and motioned for him to come in.

“Well, I’m not sure if this will be a nice visit,” Erwin sighed as he closed the door behind him. “I have news, but I don’t think you’ll like them much.” 

“Already? From the interior?” Mat frowned. “It’s quite fast. Quick responses never mean anything good,” he nodded to himself. “Okay then, let’s get this over with. What do they say?”

“They officially recognize you as an active member of the Survey Corps, a Section Commander and the Leader of the Original Special Operations Squad. Any and all of your activities and responsibilities are to be put on hold indefinitely,” Erwin sighed and shook his head. “You’re suspended from duty until further evaluation.”

“So basically,” Mat said, “I’m still a member, all the rules still apply, but I can’t do anything and I might be discharged or worse. What do they mean by further evaluation?”

Erwin shook his head and rubbed his face. “They opened a court case, under the suspicion of betrayal and treason.”

“Wonderful,” Mat breathed out. “So it’s dishonourable discharge at best, likely execution, if they decide I can’t be useful and trusted. Sounds great,” he shook his head. “Do I at least get to leave until the court since I’m suspended?”

“I’m afraid not,” Erwin breathed out and shook his head. “You’re to be under supervision at all times, to gather possible evidence for the court. They are considering deeming you eligible for duty, still.”

“Right,” Mat sighed. “So I’m going to have a babysitter.” 

“I’m sorry,” Erwin whispered, his sight cast to the floor. 

“Don’t be. This mess is mine,” Mat shook his head. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this and it doesn’t suit you.”

Startled, Erwin’s sight shot up. “You’re not alone in this. I was the one who took action.”

“As a response, yes.” Mat nodded. “But this is not your fault. Don’t start thinking like that.” 

Erwin sighed. “Maybe. But I’ll do everything I can to help the situation. This is not going to be the end.”

“I trust you on that,” Mat smiled, though it was brief. “Whatever happens, I’ll face it straight on with my head held high. I don’t intend to denounce my choices or run from the consequences of them.”

“I respect that,” Erwin nodded.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :D  
> Another update here, as always, let me know what you think :)
> 
> Next chapter will come out during the weekend, so look out for that.  
> Thanks for reading :)

_He must have fallen asleep at some point. His eyes fluttered open and he took in the bright light behind the window. He shifted slightly in his spot and realized he was still slumped against his desk. His head started throbbing and he groaned. A horrible aftertaste lingered in his mouth. He reached his hand to his face and found out most of his back and shoulders hurt from being in the slumped position the whole night. He was getting too old for this._

_He was lucky that everyone left him alone yesterday, but his chances for another day alone were miserable, much like he must have looked. That meant he needed to get his shit together and into a presentable form. He had no intention of experiencing the wrath of his teammates, Levi, Hanji, Mike and god knows who else, combined. A shower would help, he decided._

_He pulled himself up, clutching the table. Pain shot through his back, his legs wobbled and a sound of glass clicking on the floor startled him. He looked down as the empty bottle from the evening rolled slightly to the side. He sighed and cursed as he reached down and picked it up. He decided not to take it out right now, but he also didn’t like the idea of leaving it out in the open for anyone to see. The cabinet would do for now, he thought as he returned the empty bottle in between the full ones. He’d just have to remember to take it out later._

_The thought of a shower pushed him towards the door. A shower and a glass of water. Or two, he noted as he wobbled across the room. He reached for the door knob and pulled at it, only for it to rattle slightly, but the door refused to budge. He locked it yesterday, of course. Running a hand through his hair, he sighed, reached for the key in the door and turned it around._

_He peeked into the hallway and sighed in relief upon discovering it was empty. After locking the door behind him, he walked off to the higher-ups quarters. Thankfully, section commanders had a private room connected to a bathroom. It came in handy at times. He scoffed when he noticed how quiet the building was. It must have been either way too early, or way too late._

_The walk to his room seemed longer than usual and he let out a relieved sigh when the bathroom lock clicked behind him. He downed a glass of water immediately and then peeled off the sweaty uniform. The moment warm water hit his back, he let out a relieved sigh. It wasn’t too warm and it would turn cold soon enough, but he was determined to use what little of warm water his privileges ensured. Drops run through his hair, down his face, shoulders and back, relaxing his muscles and relieving the headache. His thoughts returned to the stack of reports on his table, waiting to be filed and taken to Erwin. He needed to stop by Hanji and Mike, check on his squad and then the Levi squad. His thoughts went rampant until the water cooled down and Mattias shivered._

_He dried himself off and hurried to put on a clean uniform from the drawer in his room. The shower definitely helped. Feeling less like a walking piece of shit, he gazed around the room, halting when he caught sight of the plate on his table. Breakfast ration and a piece of paper lying next to it. He picked it up to see the message._

_‘Oi, if you don’t drag your ass over to see me, I’ll do it myself.’_

_There was only one person that would leave a note, especially in this tone._

_Apparently, visiting Levi was added to his list of tasks for the day._

_He sat down, put the note aside and shoved in the food, hunger finally catching up to him and reminding him of the dinner he didn’t eat yesterday. The plate was empty in record time and Mat took off towards his office, hoping the day’s work would keep him and his mind busy._

_The higher-ups’ quarters were quiet and since the offices were on the same side of the building, somewhat remote from the places frequented by most of the corps, he still hasn’t met a single person before walking into his office. First and foremost, he needed to bring in the reports of malfunctions to Erwin. The requests for new gears were signed in a neat stack, waiting to be sent to the technicians in the supply rooms. He held it underneath his arm, noting to stop by on the way. Normally he would send someone to deliver them, but this time he wanted to do it himself. The second stack that needed to leave his office were the problem reports. He grabbed all of them as well and walked out._

_Erwin’s office was just a few doors down the corridor and he found himself knocking sooner than he would like to._

_“Come in.” sounded from inside and Mat slipped in, closing the door behind him and walked to the desk._

_“Mat? Good morning. How are you?” Erwin said after a momentary hesitation, his eyebrows raised._

_“Good enough.” Mat dismissed the underlying question and laid the stack of reports on Erwin’s desk. “I finished the reports that were sent so far. These are the problematic malfunctions, excluding the ones that looked convincing enough to be normal accidents and didn’t follow the pattern. I’m afraid it’s the same problem with the same parts in all of these. They came from only three separate shipments, so I’m also putting in a request to the technicians to pull in and inspect the rest of the gears from those. Hopefully they’ll be able to weed out the broken ones soon enough.” Mat let out an exhale, glaring at the stack of papers._

_Erwin followed his line of sight, the frown on his face deepening. He sighed and ran a hand over his face. “And here I thought you’re finally coming in with some good news for once.”_

_“I’m afraid I have none. It’s still true that if something goes to shit, everything goes to shit, apparently.” Mat shook his head._

_“I suppose, yes.” Erwin sighed again. “I’ll get some people to look into this. We can’t go outside on broken gears.” he paused for a while. “Apart from that, how is the training going?”_

_“My squad is doing good, mostly. They’re in good condition and improving,” Mat said but his sigh shifted to a side before he continued. “Levi squad, not so golden. They’re skilled soldiers but don’t have too much experience. That formation might be too difficult and risky to use in the field.” Mat sighed and rubbed his forehead._

_Erwin hummed in thought. “Well, there’s still time. You’re doing good work.” he nodded._

_“Thank you, but if they don’t change soon I’ll make them sit out on that mission and use other formations until they do. Either that or in the worst case we’ll lose the squad.” Mat shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. None of the scenarios appealed to him at all._

_“I’d much rather avoid both of the options,” Erwin said, his voice stern and face rigid._

_“I know. Me too.” Mat willed the sinking feeling away. “How much time do we have?” he asked hoping he wouldn’t regret knowing._

_“I don’t know. This needs to be solved first. Strategic planning is in motion already, but no word has gone out to Sina yet. Not much will happen before the corps returns from the leave that’s planned later. Then it could be weeks. Unfortunately I don’t know much else myself,” Erwin said, his gaze hard set on Mat._

_“I see. Any other news from Sina so far?” Another question Mat probably didn’t want to know the answer to._

_“Not yet. It’s too early to hear back from them, but there’s still a chance they will drop it. In case they decide to take it to the court, I sent a word to Zackly. He has enough experience and soundness of mind to be on our side. There might be some bother with the whole situation, but nothing serious will come of it. Worst case scenario, they’ll use you as a way to keep appearances, nothing more. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Erwin stared at Mat pointedly and crossed his arms in front of him, waiting for a nod._

_“Yeah, okay.” Mat exhaled. “I should probably get on with the rest of the paperwork, unless there is anything else?”_

_“I don’t think there’s anything else from me for now.” Erwin shook his head in thought._

_“Okay, then,” Mat said and walked to the door. Before he could reach the handle, Erwin’s voice stopped him once more._

_“And Mat? Just hold on for a bit. It will be okay.” Erwin let a little smile settle on his face._

_Mat stared for a second and then smiled back before leaving the office and closing the door behind him. Even at this time of the day the corridors were murky with the only light provided by the flickering torches along the walls. Mat walked towards the back entrance of the building, flipping through the stack of papers, making sure he had everything he needed. The supply and storage rooms were in a separate building on the compound, next to the training fields. Making a mental note of the necessary next steps, Mat hasn’t realized he had reached the door and automatically walked outside when the sun rays hit his face and he had to squint._

_Grunting at the sun, Mat walked directly towards the supply rooms. With a brief knock on the door he walked inside._

_“Section Commander.”_

_He received salutes from the technicians squad working in the front. He nodded to acknowledge them before they got back to work. Glancing further into the storage room, he noticed the Levi squad helping with stacking of supply crates. His sight caught Levi’s for a moment and he gave a tiny shake of his head to stop Levi from approaching._

_“Mattias? I haven’t seen you here for a while. Good morning,” said Dieta Ness as he made his way from behind one of the tables filled with tools._

_“Morning.” Mat nodded. “I have some work to do around so I thought I’d bring these in while I’m at it,” he said and handed the stack of papers to Ness. “Requests for new gears and restorations of malfunctioned gears,” he said after noticing Ness’ glance to the stack._

_“More of them? This is a lot, even for you.” Ness frowned, flipping through the stack._

_“I know. And there’s more coming. I need you to pull in three of the past shipments and inspect the gear for any potential problems. There’s a better description of what to look for,” Mat said and motioned for the stack of papers._

_“Three whole shipments?” Ness raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “There’s something coming our way, ain’t it…” he shook his head._

_“There most likely is and it won’t be anything pretty. Sorry for the added work, I realize it’s a lot,” Mat said._

_“Don’t apologize, that’s why we’re here. I’ll try to have it done as soon as possible. If there is something with the shipments, we’ll find it, no worries. We’ve got your back,” Ness said with an encouraging smile._

_“Thank you. If you need anything, make sure to stop by anytime.” Mat smiled back._

_After receiving a nod in response, he walked out of the building, squinting at the sun once again. Next up was to go oversee his squad’s training. The training fields were right behind the corner, so he reached them in no time. He made sure to stay a little further though as to not disrupt the team from training._

_After a quick search of the forest he spotted them practising the formation at the edge. Zane had them running through some basic maneuvering exercises before they would move on to the obstacle course._

_Mat waited a couple minutes, but everything looked good, so he just nodded to himself and turned around to head back to his office. He could probably finish up with the reports from the 26th expedition by lunch, if he was lucky. Then he’d need to look over the reports from 25th once more, just to be sure. He sighed. If only he could finally put it behind._

_Zane glanced back at the same time and halted when he saw Mat. He made a step forward and was about to call out to him, but stopped himself once he noticed Mat was already leaving. With a shake of his head he turned back to the training and resolved to focus on the task at hand first._

_______


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :)  
> The long awaited chapter is finally here :D Thank you very much to everyone who left kudos and comments on this work, they really do mean a lot. 
> 
> It's a bit of a longer update, hope you'll like it. Definitely let me know what you think. I really wanted to get this one right and was really excited to finally finish working on it. I hope you'll enjoy the chapter :)  
> Next update should be up some time next week. See you then :)

“I’m so glad you’ve been cleared to go on around finally.” Hanji beamed as she half dragged half pushed Mattias down the hall.

“Yeah, yeah. It’d be much better if the permission from Erwin didn’t come with a call to the military court, you know.” Mat grumbled.

Not so long after Erwin finally came to visit, news from the interior arrived. Mattias was to come to a court hearing, suspected of treason. Both the Lords and military officials perceived him as very suspicious, some even claiming the situation had to be staged. Since Mattias was officially recognized, it would make no difference if he stayed cooped up in the room. On the contrary, his behaviour upon his release from the seclusion room was to be observed and possibly used as evidence. At least that was what the court order had said. 

Mat sighed when thinking about how ridiculous the situation was, and yet there was nothing to be done about it. Of course Hanji got angry and Mike with Moblit took her side, disagreeing with the order, but even they couldn’t do anything. In the hopes of making the wait more bearable, Hanji has taken it upon herself to spend as much time with Mat as possible, cheering him up and taking his mind off of things he couldn’t change. This was the exact reason why Hanji was urging Mat down the corridor and out of the building, towards her lab.

“Hey Hanji, can we slow down a little?” Mat panted as the days of lying have taken their toll on his physical condition.

“Come on. We’re almost there.” Hanji urged as they approached the little building off to the side of the HQ. “This is it!” she beamed as they walked in. 

Mat looked around, noticing the full bookshelves lining the walls and the light from the windows falling onto the tables in the middle of the room. Surfaces of those were barely visible, buried under a stack of papers, books and various equipment.

“Welcome to my lab!” Hanji said, practically jumping on the spot in excitement. “What do you think?” 

“It certainly fits you.” Mat chuckled.

“Huh? I guess.” Hanji shrugged. “But now I get to work on my research any time and I don’t need to worry about lack of space or clean-freak midgets.” she said, earning a laugh from Mat.

“That’s true.” Mat chuckled. “So, what’s the plan for today?” 

“Well I’m working on a new hypothesis and I should sort out some overdue reports otherwise Erwin is going to murder me. Do you have anything you’d like to do?” Hanji asked, already spreading some papers in front of her on one of the tables.

“Well I need to start writing the report for the hearing, so I might just as well start working on that.” Mat shrugged, choosing one of the few somewhat empty spots by the tables.

“Oh, sure. Use whatever you find, there should be some blank papers and pens lying around.” Hanji motioned to the heap of stuff on the tables and shot Mat an encouraging smile.

Mat nodded and started looking through the supplies as she set out her own work. Finding a blank paper wasn’t so hard, but it took a while to get something to write with. Or maybe he was just stalling, hard to say. Once he finally had all he needed in front of him, he stared at the paper searching for a reason why not to start writing, but nothing came up to his mind and he was left with no choice but to begin.

Year 844 (850)  
27th Scouting Expedition Behind the Walls  
Reporting: Section Commander Mattias Kenett, Leader of the Special Operations Squad.

…

_What are you going to tell them?_

Everything.

_Do you want them to know all of it?_

No. I’m sorry, I failed you.

_It’s not your fault. You did all you could._

If that was true you’d still be here.

_Start living your life again. We’re not coming back._

I’m so sorry.

_Just don’t forget. Now go and move on._

.....

“Mat? Hey, Mat!” 

Mattias flinched as a voice interrupted his thoughts. “Yeah?” he asked shakily, running a hand through his hair.

“Are you okay?” Hanji asked. “You’ve been staring at the paper for quite a while now.” she said, concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine. No worries.” Mat shook his head quickly.

“You sure? Maybe you could take a walk around to get some fresh air…” she hesitated, motioning around the training fields.

“That could actually help.” Mat sighed and got up from the chair, shaking slightly in his knees. “I’ll be back later.” he said and left the lab before Hanji could say anything else.

He walked around the compound, stopping sometimes to stare at the blue sky or observing the teams training outside. There were a few groups sparing, doing drills and running around. A bit further down was the starting line of the ODMG course with titan dummies. Mat walked by, watching from afar as a team shot off and raced through the forest. It looked awfully familiar to what the times when he used to train were like.

“Hey, Mat!” 

He was brought out of his thoughts by Mike, shouting his name and jogging over to him.

“Shouldn’t you have a supervisor?” Mike smirked as he reached Mat.

“Very funny,” Mat scoffed. “I’m with Hanji, can’t you see?”

“Right,” Mike laughed. “That explains it. What is she up to?”

“Some new research. I was supposed to start with the report writing, but I kind of ended up taking a walk instead,” Mat shrugged and turned to walk further down the fields.

“Oh, everything all right?” Mika asked as he fell into step next to Mat.

“Yeah, all good,” Mat breathed out. “Any teams worth looking at these days?” He nodded to the teams training in the forest off to their side.

“Eh, nothing spectacular. I mean, they’re good, it’s just,” Mike scratched his chin. “The best ones are still in mine and Hanji’s squads, there’s also Erwin’s squad and Levi’s squad is currently the star of the corps. But otherwise I don’t know about anyone standing out in particular.”

“Hm, talent is hard to come by I suppose,” Mat sighed.

“Yeah, we’re not getting many recruits usually,” Mike shrugged. “Though this year the newbies look interesting.”

“Maybe,” Mat hummed. “From what I’ve seen outside they’re very rough around the edges still.” He shook his head.

“Yeah,” Mike hummed. “They need a lot of training and they don’t have experience yet. We’re doing what we can to get them to a good skill level, but they’re the best we’re getting right now.”

“That doesn’t sound too good,” Mat breathed out.

“It’s not,” Mike shook his head. “But enough about this. Are you not capable of talking about cheerful topics these days?” he grinned.

“That might be it,” Mat laughed and shrugged. He could feel tiredness settling over him. It wasn’t even lunch yet, but this was the first day of actually moving around and leaving his room after weeks of sitting in the cell and then sitting on his bed. He could feel the ache in his legs and back getting more and more prominent and though most of his injuries were almost healed, his ribs still hurt quite a bit when he moved too fast. Trying to be careful and not hurt himself more while also trying to keep up with Hanji, Mike and Moblit was more difficult than he expected it.

“Well then,” Mike said and slowed down a little, observing Mat carefully. “How is it to be back? This is the first time you’re officially allowed to walk around freely, right? What do you think?”

“Freely is a strong word that I would not use here,” Mat chuckled. “But yes. It is weird to be back, not gonna lie. I haven’t expected to see the place again, and now that I’m here everything looks somewhat different to what I’m used to. Six years is a long fucking time. The building and training grounds have changed a bit and though I can find my way around, it’s still weird. It does feel a lot like coming back home though, that is nice. But then,” Mat sighed.

“Hm?” MIke hummed in question, but let him take a moment before continuing.

“The people around are not the same ones that I expect. Obviously,” Mat shrugged. “There’s a lot of people that I don’t know, and though there’s more of the ones that I still remember, I notice a lot of people missing.” He sighed. “It’s not wrong necessarily, I mean... Life goes on and six years is a long time. But I think it will take me a while to get used to this new Corps. That is if I’m even going to stay here for long enough,” he shrugged.

“Yeah,” Mike breathed out. At some point during the talk they slowed down and eventually came to a stop. “I can see that,” he patted Mat’s shoulder and started walking back towards the compound. “Do you want to head back yet? It’ll be lunch time soon, we can head to the dining hall if you’re feeling up to it.”

“Yeah, sure,” Mat said. “Though, I think I’m just going to head back to the room. I haven’t been in the dining hall yet, I think I’m more tired than hungry and there will be a lot of people around...”

“Sure,” Mike nodded without hesitation, though he frowned a little.

_____

Mat stared out of the window in his room, leaning against the windowsill. It was dark outside and he could kind of see the stars when he blew all his candles out. After the walk with Mike he went back and managed to fall asleep. When he woke up there was food left on his table. The rest of the day went by quietly. Even though he was allowed outside, he wasn’t all that keen on roaming around the whole time, so he did some more reading while Moblit worked on his paperwork by the table in the room. 

He was rarely left alone, apart from the time when he was sleeping, and though he understood why, it still felt somewhat suffocating. The company was nice and Mat realized they were trying to give him as much space as possible, with leniency wherever they could afford, but he was still grateful for times like these, when everyone else was asleep. He finally felt like he could breathe a little easier after a whole day of being watched over. 

He stared at the stars in the sky and decided that he had a better view of them back in his treehouse. It was probably not a fair comparison, but still. He sighed and pushed himself away from the window to go back to his bed. He couldn’t really sleep even though it must have been quite late. Apart from the long nap he took during the day and the uneventful afternoon that didn’t tire him out as much as he’d expected, there was also another reason nagging in the back of his mind. There were only a few things worrying him about the whole situation, even though it wasn’t pleasant, and surprisingly the court order wasn’t one of them. He couldn’t really find it in himself to care about what was going to happen. There were only a handful of things he wanted to do before the court, but he resolved to be patient and not force anything. He owed people around that much.

With another sigh he decided to take a walk around the main building, thinking maybe it would tire him out and help him go to sleep then. He carefully slipped out of his room and into the corridor, trying to make as little noise as possible so he wouldn’t wake up anyone. He only walked down a handful of corridors before he got lost in his thoughts. There seemed to be something comforting about the quiet sounds of torches flickering along the walls and his slow steps on the stone floors.

He only realized how far he walked when the ache in his legs also spread into his lower back and brought him out of his thoughts. He leaned against the wall and cursed quietly for himself when he looked around and saw where he was. Just a few steps away from him were his old quarters where he used to live. For a moment he was tempted to go inside and have a look, but then he realized there very well might be someone living in them right now. He sighed and rubbed his face. He shouldn’t even be in this section of the building. Even though he was recognized and given his rank back, he was still suspended and under observations. He shouldn’t have been wandering around the superiors’ rooms and offices. 

He was just about to push himself off the wall and head back to his room when the door to his old quarters opened and he froze in place. The person walked out quietly, closed the door behind them and locked them without turning towards Mat. He could hear his heart beating way too fast for comfort.

With a soft breath they stepped away from the door, ran a hand through their hair and turned to walk away, when their sight landed on Mat and they froze in place, their eyes widening. 

“L-Levi?” Mat choked out despite his throat tightening, his eyes wide. He could barely hear himself and it took him a moment to realize it was indeed himself speaking.

“Mat?” Levi said with a clipped voice. “What are you...” he trailed off, not sure what to say.

“I- I just couldn’t- I thought-” Mat stumbled over his words. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here. If I knew I-” the lump in his throat seemed to get bigger with every word. “I’m sorry. I should go.” He shook his head and tried to hurry away with his sight cast to the floor. 

He froze on the spot again when he felt a hand grasp his wrist.

“Wait,” Levi said from behind him, suddenly being very close to Mat. “It’s not-” Levi paused and took a ragged breath. “It’s not like that.” His voice sounded too small and Mat had no idea what to do with it. It was all just so wrong.

“What?” Mat whispered and turned to Levi half-way.

“I mean-” Levi sighed and ran his hand through his hair once more. His eyes searched Mat’s expression for something before dropping to the ground. “No one is using that room now. It’s empty, if you want to go inside...” 

“I-” Mat tried to form a coherent sentence but Levi was standing right next to him, still holding his wrist, and Mat was not prepared for this situation.

“Tch, you don’t have to, of course,” Levi scoffed at himself and kept his sight on the ground. “It’s just- don’t apologize for coming here. I- Fuck.” He cursed to himself. “I’m being stupid. You probably just want to leave.” He let out a shaky breath and his hand slowly dropped from Mat’s wrist. He stood in place, rigid, apart from the small tremors running through him.

“No, no that’s not it,” Mat breathed out quickly. “I didn’t mean to come here, I just went to take a walk and got lost in thought,” he trailed off and then shook his head. “Doesn't matter. I’d like to stay,” he said and then added hurriedly, “if you want me to, that is.”

Levi’s sight snapped up to Mat’s face, his eyes still wide and his lips parted slightly. He nodded slowly and took a breath before responding. “Yeah, yeah I’d want you to.”

“Okay,” Mat exhaled shakily and nodded as well. He tried to smile a little but it felt too unsure.

Levi took one more moment to look at Mat before turning back, walking towards the door and unlocking them again. He hesitated a little and then pushed them open before glancing back to Mat.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Mat asked, almost whispering, when he noticed Levi pausing.

“Yeah,” Levi nodded quickly. “Please,” he whispered and looked away fast enough for Mat to not see the broken expression on his face.

“Okay,” Mat nodded, “yeah, okay.” He set out to walk into the room but paused and winced when pain shot up his back. He clenched his teeth and pursued his lips to not let out a sound. Though before he could shake it off and continue, Levi was already standing by his side.

“What’s wrong?” he asked his hands raised up but paused just before he touched Mat.

“Nothing,” Mat shook his head. “It’s fine, nothing too bad, just a little back pain.” He smiled, but it was way too strained. “Don’t worry about it.”

Levi frowned and his shoulders went stiff. “Let me help. I- If it’s okay, I mean. Shit, it’s not, but I just-”

“It’s okay,” Mat interrupted. “It’s okay, if you could, please,” he nodded, staring at Levi the whole time.

“Okay, yeah.” Levi nodded as well and slowly got Mat’s arm around his shoulder. He put his arm around Mat’s torso. “Good?” he whispered before moving.

“Yeah, good,” Mat breathed out and tried his best to relax at least a little.

They shuffled towards the door and into the room with Mat clenching his teeth and scrunching his eyebrows while Levi kept his sight on Mat’s face the whole time. It took a bit of maneuvering, but Levi managed to close the door behind them, lead Mat to the couch in the middle of the room and helped him sit down.

“Thanks,” Mat breathed out when he leaned against the back of the couch and felt his back loosen a little.

Levi nodded and after a moment of hesitation sat down next to him, leaving some space between them. The stiffness in his shoulders could be visible from miles away. A heavy silence settled over them.

“I-”

“So-”

They both turned to each other in surprise and Mat chuckled lightly, which seemed to help the atmosphere somewhat. Levi let a small smile settle on his lips for a brief moment before it slipped away again.

“There’s a lot we need to talk about, huh?” Mat sighed and turned back to face the rest of the room.

“Yeah,” Levi said. His hands twitched in his lap.

“I don’t know where or what to start with,” Mat shook his head. “I- Levi, I’m sorry.” The lump in his throat returned. “I didn’t want any of this. None of this was supposed to happen and if I could, I would take it all away in an instant,” he started and sped up without realizing, his voice getting more panicked with each word. “I mi- shit, I mean, I’m so sorry for... for all of this. I’m so sorry,” he shook his head, as his sight was getting blurry.

“Stop. No, stop,” Levi clenched his fist. “Stop apologizing for what you didn’t do,” he scoffed.

“What?” Mat breathed out.

“I was the one who did... all of that,” Levi gestured his arm around, “down, in the cell. For fuck’s sake, it was my suggestion in the first place!” He threw his arms out, scowling and then turned to Mat.

The sudden movement made Mat flinch and he cursed at himself in his mind. Levi’s eyes widened. “Fuck,” he breathed out and ran his hand through his hair. “How are you not angry at me? Why are you even talking to me? After all of that?” His shoulders slumped. 

“I gave you no choice,” Mat said. “I wouldn’t tell you anything,” he shook his head. “I’m sorry that it turned out like this.”

“Stop apologizing for my mistakes,” Levi pushed out and turned to Mat with a glare but it softened once his sight landed on Mat’s face. He reached out to Mat slowly and brushed a tear from Mat’s face with his fingers as carefully as he could manage.

Mat’s breath got caught in his throat and he sat still until Levi’s fingers fell from his face. “I’ve forgiven you, all that happened in the cell, already.”

“I don’t deserve that,” Levi shook his head. “I should have been with you the whole fucking time after we found out, instead of hiding like a piece of shit. I should have come to you and apologized. I-” he paused. “I couldn’t. If- if you hadn’t came around today I don’t know if I’d-”

“I don’t care about it,” Mat shook his head. “I don’t care about any of that. You’re here now. That’s all I need.”

“I’m so sorry, for everything,” Levi whispered and then turned his head away with a scoff.

“It doesn’t matter now,” Mat breathed out and was about to reach out to Levi when a movement made him freeze in place.

Levi turned around, shifted closer and threw his arms around Mat’s neck, burying his face in Mat’s shoulder before Mat had a chance to respond. He held on stiffly, not daring to breathe. 

Mat let out a relieved breath and hugged Levi back tightly. 

Once Levi felt Mat’s arms around his back he relaxed and let out the breath he was holding. Gasping he pressed his face into Mat’s shoulder even more and only then he noticed the tears rolling down his cheek, currently seeping into Mat’s shirt. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m so sorry,” he kept repeating over and over again, his whole body shaking.

“It’s okay,” Mat whispered and tightened his hold. He moved one arm higher to run his fingers through Levi’s hair.

“Why?” Levi mumbled after a while. “Why didn’t you say anything? In the cell, or even before. If only you’d have just said something,” his voice caught in his throat.

“Exactly this. These past weeks, I didn’t want this to happen,” Mat sighed. “I’m not stupid, I know there is no place for me in the Corps after such a long time. The interior will make Erwin’s life hell now, if it wasn’t before. They’re never going to let this be. And it was so long already. Everyone has moved on and I didn’t want to disrupt your lives.”

“Bullshit,” Levi spat and pulled away just so he could see Mat’s face. He frowned. “Who cares about fucking interior. We’ve managed them before, we’ll do it again. And moving on is such a fucking lie,” he shook his head. “No one, none of them in here ever stopped missing you for a single second.”

“It’s nice that you think that, but it won’t do much good for people in the Corps. Dead soldiers don’t come back to life, that’s just how it is. You know yourself how damaging false hope can be,” Mat shook his head and let his sight fall down.

“I don’t care,” Levi whispered but then began raising his voice. “I don’t fucking care about the rest of this shitty Corps. I don’t care. What about me? You really thought I would be better off thinking you were dead when I could have had you here by my side?!”

Mat snapped his sight up and stared at Levi with wide eyes. “I- I thought- it was too late to come back and you’ll be better off without me ruining everyone’s lives...”

“Then why did you leave me in the first place?!” Levi burst out and looked away. 

“I didn’t want to. I’m so sorry,” Mat pushed out, his throat tightening. “We- the expedition- I tried, I really tried to make sure everyone would be safe, but then- I have no idea where they came from or how but we were cut off from the formation, too far from anyone, no signals were getting through. I- I swear we tried- everyone tried- It took so long and then we had no choice but to hide. There was no way of reaching the formation anymore,” Mat shook his head. Tears were running down his cheeks and he couldn’t see anything but he continued anyway. “I tried treating the injuries, but there were too many and outside I didn’t have all that I needed and-” he hiccupped but pushed on through the tears. “I decided to wait but then it was too late and there was no way of making it to the wall in time and surviving it all the way and I had to choose and then I couldn’t bear the thought of- of” his voice got caught in his throat and he had to finally stop.

Levi hugged him tightly once again. “Breathe,” he whispered slowly as Mat kept gasping through the tears. “Deep breaths. Just take a deep breath, one at a time.”

It took a while for Mat to get his breathing under control and then another while from him to stop shaking. They stayed sitting like that the whole time.

“I’m sorry,” Mat breathed out. “I’m so sorry for everything. For making so many mistakes, for not being able to come back, for leaving you here, for trying to fix it and making it worse,” he paused and pulled away slightly to be able to see Levi at least a little. “I’m so sorry I- I don’t expect you to forgive me. I understand it’s a lot. Even just the fact that I appeared after so many years is a lot. I just- hope you won’t hate me for this,” he pushed out a mere whisper, looking down, trying to blink another wave of tears away.

“I could never,” Levi shook his head. “Mat, look at me. Come on, look at me,” he said and reached his hand to Mat’s face and gently pushed towards his. “I could never hate you, for any of that. I thought you left me. I thought you betrayed the Corps. I thought you didn’t care about any of us here. I thought...” Levi shook his head. “Not once, not for a single moment did I hate you. And I didn’t want to. Never.”

“Levi, I-” Mat started but then paused, not sure what to say.

“Fuck, I-” Levi ran his hand through his hair and breathed out. “After all this time, after everything, I don’t- fuck Mat, I don’t care about what happened. I love you.”

Levi kept his sight on Mat’s face the whole time. “I love you, you have no idea how much. I know it’s not going to be easy. There’s a lot of shit that we’d need to get through and I know nothing is going to be easy, but fuck... I love you.”

Mat stared without saying anything to the point of making Levi nervous. He then reached out, put his hand onto Levi’s cheek and pulled him into a kiss.

Levi gasped in surprise but the moment their lips touched he responded and kissed back. He hasn’t realized how much he wanted to do that until now. He shifted even closer and tilted his back to the side, deepening the kiss for a moment, before pulling away gently.

“Fuck Levi,” Mat gasped out. “I missed you so much. Every fucking day. I love you. I never stopped loving you. And I hope you can believe that I never meant to hurt you. Everything I did, I really thought you’d be better off that way. I- I would never intentionally hurt you.”

“I know,” Levi whispered and nodded. “I know.”

“I love you,” Mat repeated and brushed his thumb along Levi’s cheek.

“I love you,” Levi breathed out and leaned forward to rest his forehead against Mat’s.

“I- It won’t be easy,” Mat sighed.

“I know,” Levi nodded.

“It might not work anymore,” Mat whispered.

“We’ll make it work. I want it to work,” Levi said without hesitation, his voice steady.

“I want it to work,” Mat repeated, relieved.

“You’ll have to talk to me. Tell me if something’s going on. Tell me what you’re thinking. Just talk to me, about everything,” Levi said.

“I will. I promise,” Mat nodded, a pang of guilt spreading through his chest.

“Good,” Levi said and then after a bit of hesitation slowly added, “will you also tell me what exactly happened? One day?”

“Yeah,” Mat breathed out. “One day.”

Levi nodded and kept his sight on Mat.

“We should probably take it slow. I-” Mat hesitated for a moment. “I’m scared that things won’t be as they used to and that I won’t know how to handle it.”

“We’ll take it slow,” Levi nodded. “We’ll make sure you’re settled in here, everything is sorted out and we won’t push it until then. And I’ll be there for you, anytime you need something. From now on, I’ll always be there for you, I promise. We’ll get through this.”

“Thank you,” Mat whispered.

“Don’t,” Levi shook his head and pulled away. “It’s what I should have done from the moment I knew.” He lifted his hand up.

Mat caught the movement in the corner of his eye and flinched before he could stop himself. 

A look crossed Levi’s face as he frowned. With a sigh he lowered his hand down and shuffled a little further away, creating space between them.

“I’m sorry I-” Mat started, panic raising again.

“No, don’t,” Levi shook his head. “We both need some time and space, right?”

“Yeah,” Mat nodded.

“Yeah,” Levi breathed out.

Still, Mat couldn’t help but feel that it was not supposed to end this way.

“It’s quite late. You should get some sleep at least,” Levi said, frowning, concern washing over his face. “I’ve heard you couldn’t sleep much these past weeks,” he sighed. “And it might be my fault as well,” he murmured for himself.

“No, it’s not that,” Mat shook his head and sighed. “I should try to sleep though,” he looked away. “I’ll go then so you can also get some rest,” he whispered.

He tried pushing off the couch and standing up, but the tiredness combined with his long walk before didn’t help much. Pain shot through his back and he took in a sharp breath which made his chest hurt as well. He shut his eyes, pursed his lips and grabbed onto the couch.

There were immediately arms holding him and helping him sit back down. “That bad, huh?” Levi noted.

“No, I’ll be fine,” Mat pushed out through clenched teeth. “I just need a moment. Then I’ll go back.”

“Tch,” Levi scoffed. “You could stay here, you know?” He said quietly. “We could stay the night here, if you want to that is.”

Mat’s sight snapped up. “Are you sure? I mean- yeah, if it’s alright. Are you sure though that you’d want to?”

“Yeah,” Levi nodded and breathed out. “Yeah, I’d want to.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :)  
> Another chapter is here, though I wanted it to go up a little sooner, so sorry for the delay. There still is a new one coming up over the weekend as well though :D
> 
> As always, I'd love to know what you think. See you in a few days :)  
> Thanks for reading.

_After the issues at the 25th expedition Mattias barely managed to pull himself together in time for the 26th, so he expected the 26th reports to be much worse than they actually were. Surprised, he managed to go through all of them well before lunch and actually got into the dining hall in a decently good mood. He ignored the nagging thought reminding him of the reports from the 25th that were next. He also ignored the concerned glances of Hanji, Erwin and Mike that were following his every movement for the first fifteen minutes after he sat down to eat. They seemed to relax a bit after a while though. Lunch ended up being quite cheerful then and he only felt the dread return after he left the dining hall and walked back to his office._

_He couldn’t think of another legitimate reason why the interior would pull out the 25th again, other than trying to bring the Corps down. With a sigh he resolved to go through the reports once more, to make sure there was nothing he might have missed. Though he’s been through them so many times he probably had at least half of them completely memorized._

_He got lost in his work pretty quickly and the afternoon passed by in an instant. He hasn’t realized just how tired he was until a knock on the door made him lose focus._

_“Yes? Come in!” He called and straightened up in his chair a little._

_“Hi, are you busy?” Kyra asked as she slipped in._

_“Hi. No, it’s fine,” Mat replied and motioned for her to come in._

_She smiled and closed the door behind her before walking over to Mat’s desk._

_“I just wanted to stop by and see if you could use some help with anything, or maybe if you need someone to bring you dinner. You’ve been working through meals more than usual recently and it’s dinner time in a bit, so I thought someone could at least bring the food to you in case you’re too busy to go eat,” She said._

_“Thank you so much,” Mat nodded with a smile. “Though I think I’m actually going to go this time. I reckon I could use a break,” he shrugged._

_“That’s good to hear,” she nodded. “So what’s keeping you stuck inside these days?”_

_“Paperwork, most of it is just the same old reports, but there have been some issues with gears that I needed to look into and it seems the interior has an issue with the 25th, so I’m going over the paperwork related to that as well,” Mat sighed and rubbed his face with his hand before putting on a bit of a strained smile._

_“Oh, that doesn’t sound good,” she frowned. “Is there an actual legitimate reason to bring the 25th up again though? I didn’t think there was anything that unusual that didn’t happen before.”_

_“I don’t know. Or at least I don’t think so, and Erwin doesn’t seem to either. It might just be another last-ditch effort to ruin whatever they can, but it is quite inconvenient.” Mat sighed._

_“If there’s anything we can do to help, let us know,” Kyra said._

_“Thank you,” Mat said with a smile. “But enough about this. How was training today?”_

_“Good,” Kyra nodded. “Tough though.” Her shoulders slumped and she sighed. “It certainly is useful, but Zane is as strict as ever. Especially now. Everyone is dead tired.”_

_“Sounds like good training then,” Mat chuckled to himself. “I might need to step up my game next time so I don’t let you slack off.”_

_“Oh no,” she shook her head. “The usual trainings are plenty difficult, that’s fine.”_

_“I’ll think about it,” Mat hummed to himself, smirking. “Right then, should we head off to dinner?”_

_“If you’re done with work,” she shrugged. “I think the food should be ready by now.”_

_“Okay, let’s go then,” Mat smiled and stood up, putting away some of the last papers from his table._

_He followed Kyra out of the office, locked the door behind him and they walked down the hall together._

_“So how are things, apart from difficult trainings?” He asked as they rounded a corner._

_“Pretty good right now, I’d say. It seems everyone is looking forward to the leave and otherwise things have been quiet for a while,” she said. “It was unusually peaceful from what I’ve gathered.”_

_“And know you’ve jinxed it,” Mat shook his head with a frown, but the corners of his mouth twitched up. “That’s good to hear though.” He paused for a bit and his smile faltered. “If it’s okay to ask, do you have any plans for the leave yet?”_

_“It’s okay,” she said, though her voice sounded strained. “I thought I might just stay here, there’s not really anyone I’d like to visit. But then Darya suggested that I could go with her and visit her family, so I’ll probably do that.”_

_“Sounds like a solid plan,” he nodded._

_“What about you?” she asked quietly._

_“I’ll probably just stay here. Some of the higher-ups will be around too and I think Zane mentioned staying as well, so it’ll not be too bad,” he shrugged. “I might need to stay behind and finish the work anyway.”_

_“You should at least take a break from working if you’re not going to actually leave,” Kyra frowned._

_“Yeah, I will, don’t worry.” Mat smiled_

_The sounds of their steps mixed with the chatter coming from the dining hall as they came near. The large doors came into view and they walked over to them in silence. Mat pushed them open and held the door for Kyra when his sight caught on Siah waving at them from their usual table. He smiled, walked to the back of the room to take his food and then went to sit in his spot by the squad’s table._

_“Hello,” Siah beamed as Mat sat down and nodded to them._

_Kyra slid onto the bench next to Darya with a quiet hi and they stayed close from then on, their shoulders touching. Darya nodded over to Mat before turning to Kyra, starting a quiet conversation between them._

_“Hi,” Zane let out a relieved sigh from next to Mat. “Good to finally see you.”_

_“Hey, I didn’t go away you know,” Mat pushed his shoulder. “There was just a bit more office work than I’d like.”_

_Zane hummed in response. “Well anyway, good that you’re not holling up in that office anymore.”_

_Mat shook his head. “I’m not. But enough complaints about my working habits, I can do that myself. How was training?”_

_“Good,” Zane nodded. “We did quite a lot of work and the formation is getting better as well. We should be ready by the expedition if we keep it up.”_

_“How about Levi squad?” Mat asked, frowning._

_“That’s the not so bright news. They’re making progress, but it might not be fast enough,” Zane sighed._

_Mat nodded and shifted his focus back onto the food._

_“Apart from that, when is Leena coming back?” Zane asked._

_“I don’t remember exactly, but she only asked for a few days off, so she should be back sometime this week. I can check it then after dinner,” Mat said._

_“No, that’s fine,” Zane shook his head. “Just wanted to know when approximately.”_

_The conversation then paused while they all ate in quiet for a bit. Mat got a pat on his back from Mike when he was passing the table and an enthusiastic cheer from Hanji right after that. The atmosphere seemed to lift a little and soon the Squad was joking and bickering with each other again like usually. There was something really nice about this little routine they had, Mat realized. And he didn’t want to live to see the day when he’d lose this._

_After they have finished their dinner, the dining hall has quieted down as most of the Corps left to bed, they also went each their own way._

_Mat walked over into the kitchen and set out to make some tea, putting two teacups on the tray while waiting for the water to boil. Evening tea used to be somewhat of a habit, though he didn’t have much time lately, so he smiled for himself, realizing how much he’s missed it._

_Once the tea was ready, he took the tray and set out to walk through the corridors over to where the higher-ups quarters were. With most of the Corps choosing to head to bed early, there wasn’t anyone around in the corridors usually at these times. He stood in front of a door to one of the quarters, shifted the tray in his hands and knocked. Some grumbling came from the room and Mat couldn't help but smile._

_The door opened and Levi stood in the door frame, leaning against it with his arms crossed. His eyes widened when he saw Mat and the accusation of interrupting died on his tongue._

_“Hi there,” Mat said._

_“Hi,” Levi breathed out and stepped into the room, opening the door wider for Mat to walk in. “Sorry, I haven’t expected you.”_

_“I know,” Mat sighed as he walked in and put the tray onto a coffee table in front of a couch. “I’m sorry.”_

_“Tch, it’s fine,” Levi frowned as he closed the door and walked over to Mat. “You’re here now at least.”_

_“Yeah,” Mat breathed out and placed a soft kiss on Levi’s lips. “And I’m all yours.”_

_“You’re not hurrying back?” Levi asked in disbelief._

_“No,” Mat shook his head. “I can stay.”_

_“Good.” Levi gave a curt nod in response and went to sit down on the couch._

_“So what were you up to?” Mat asked as he turned to follow him and sit down next to him._

_“Reading,” Levi nodded to a book left on the coffee table. He reached for one of the tea cups on the tray and lifted it to take a sip. “Surprisingly there wasn’t much else to do for once.”_

_“Hm,” Mat glanced at the book and then over to the half-empty bookshelf in the corner. The room was sparking clean as usual and everything was put away in its spot. “You must have been very bored then,” he grinned._

_Levi scoffed and looked away before putting the tea cup down. “Unlike you,” he murmured._

_“Yeah,” Mat sighed. “It’s been a lot.”_

_Levi nodded and shuffled over on the couch, closer to Mat. “Is it all just shit?”_

_Mat chuckled a little and leaned into Levi, putting his head on his shoulder. “All of it. It seems shit has hit the fan and now it’s fucking everywhere. And I’m not very good at keeping it all in check while trying to not go completely crazy.”_

_Levi hummed and put his arm behind Mat onto his lower back, pulling him closer. “Is that thing getting worse?” he said quietly and frowned._

_“Not much,” Mat sighed and reached for Levi’s hand, playing with his finger. “It just got worse for a bit yesterday.” He paused for a bit before hurrying to add, “I’m better now though. It’s not too bad in general.”_

_Levi tightened his grip, not saying anything for a while. “I hate this.”_

_“I know,” Mat sighed. “Sorry.”_

_“It’s not your fault,” Levi shook his head. “It never is your fault. Okay?” he shifted a little to be able to see Mat out of the corner of his eye at least._

_Mat’s eyes widened and he looked up at Levi. “Okay,” he whispered and nodded slowly._

_Levi lifted his hand, put it on Mat’s cheek and pulled him into a slow kiss. Mat immediately melted into the touch, his eyes fluttering shut and the frown disappearing._

_“I missed this so much,” he said with a sigh once they pulled apart slightly._

_“Yeah,” Levi hummed and leaned against the couch._

_“How have you been?” Mat asked, resting his head against Levi’s shoulder again._

_“Decent,” Levi breathed out. “The trainings are not great. I don’t like the idea of using the formation soon. But at least the squad is getting on well, so that’s one less thing to worry about.”_

_Mat hummed, squeezing Levi’s hand. “What about the leave? Are you planning anything?”_

_“Not really. It’s not like I can go home or anything,” he frowned. “What about you? Have you heard anything from…?”_

_“No,” Mat shook his head. “It’s been so long I don’t think I’ll ever hear from them. And I don’t want to just show up, that wouldn’t end well,” he sighed. “So I suppose I’m going to stay here as well. It’s not actually half-bad,” he shrugged._

_Levi hummed. “You’ll have some more time off, right?”_

_“Yeah, I will,” Mat said._

_“Good,” Levi nodded._

_Mat smiled at the response, but then frowned again. “We should talk about this, as well,” he breathed out._

_“This?” Levi asked._

_“Us,” Mat whispered._

_Levi stiffened and the arm rubbing Mat’s back froze. “What about us?” he asked, keeping his tone even._

_“Nothing bad, don’t worry,” Mat rushed out. “I just wanted to ask if this is still working for you.”_

_“Is it not, for you?” Levi asked, looking aside._

_“Levi,” Mat said and leaned a bit away to be able to see his face. “Hey, look at me,” he said and waited for Levi to turn towards him. “I’m happy with you, and I want to make this work. Whatever it takes. But I know keeping it mostly secret isn’t easy. I know I’m awfully busy sometimes. I know it’s not ideal. So I’m trying to check in and see if we should do something differently.”_

_“Okay,” Levi nodded and relaxed his shoulders. “Yeah, I want this to work too. And hiding it is shit, yes, but it’s the right thing to do, for now, right?”_

_“Yeah,” Mat sighed. “For now.”_

_“Then I’ll do it,” Levi said. “Whatever it takes.”_

_“It’s only for now, though. I promise,” Mat said. “It won’t be like that for long. Things will get better and we’ll figure this out.”_

_“Okay, for now.” Levi nodded with a small smile on his lips._


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :)  
> A bit of a late update here. Hope you'll enjoy the chapter.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments :D
> 
> See you with the next one in a week, latest.  
> Thank you for reading :)

The morning caught Mat by surprise. He’d usually be up right as the sun was rising, but this time he woke up to sun rays shining into his eyes. He turned around and blinked his eyes open, letting himself enjoy the comfort of his bed. 

Once the realization dawned on him, he sat up sharply and subsequently groaned in pain as his back and ribs protested. He was in his old room, now sitting on his bed. Except he should have been in the room by the infirmary. He looked around and let himself enjoy the familiar feeling. Everything was right as it should be, exactly where he left it last time he’s been here…

...six years ago. Waves of guilt hit him and he choked up for a bit. It didn’t feel right to be in the room anymore. He slipped out of the bed and walked over to the door leading to the rest of his quarters. As he opened the door he noticed he was still wearing the clothes from yesterday evening, and then realized why he was still wearing them just as his sight fell on Levi, sitting on the couch.

Levi’s head snapped up at the sound of the door opening and he went rigid. His clothes were slightly crumpled and his usually neatly combed hair seemed to be just a little tangled.

“Good morning,” Mat breathed out as he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Unsure of what to do next, he hesitated and lingered by.

“Morning,” Levi nodded slowly and motioned his hand towards the couch. “Did you get enough sleep?” he asked carefully.

Mat nodded as he walked over to the couch, taking a note of a pillow and a neatly folded blanket left at the edge of the couch. “Yeah. Did you?”

“The usual,” Levi shrugged. 

Mat nodded and the room settled in silence. Levi turned to look away and his fingers twitched in his lap. Mat felt the need to reach out and do something, anything really, but stopped himself. He would have, back then. But things were different now and he wasn’t sure about much. He wasn’t sure about anything, really, these days.

“This is so stupid,” Levi grumbled and turned around suddenly, his brows scrunched. 

“I know,” Mat sighed and his shoulders slumped.

“It never used to be like this before,” Levi shook his head and his sight fell to the floor.

“Yeah,” Mat said, clenching and relaxing his fist. “Six years is a long time. So much has changed.”

“Not everything though,” Levi grumbled, his jaw clenched tight.

“Not everything,” Mat nodded slightly. “But we have changed. You have changed Levi, even if you might not realize it. And that’s not necessarily bad.”

Levi’s head snapped towards him, his mouth slightly open, but somehow the protest died before passing his lips.

“I don’t want to hold you back,” Mat continued, staring at his hands in his lap. “Promise me, if this, whatever this is, if I will be holding you back, you’ll tell me. There’s no use living in the past.”

“Tch,” Levi shook his head after a moment of silence. He took a breath, about to respond, but then decided not to. “Let’s go get some breakfast. It’s late enough.”

Mat nodded and lingered behind Levi as they left the quarters and Levi locked it behind them. The walk to the dinning hall felt strange. The halls were familiar and he knew the way perfectly, yet it didn’t feel right. He walked slightly behind Levi this time, which he never used to. They’d always walk side by side, but now Levi was the one with military ranking to back up his confidence while Mat felt more of an imposter, trying to fit into an old role that wasn’t his anymore. He sighed quietly and then realized that it would only get worse once he entered the dining hall.

Levi paused in front of the door way sooner than Mat would like him to, and glanced back. With a bit of hesitance, Mat nodded to him, Levi pushed the door open and walked in, aiming straight for the higher-ups table. 

It was already quite late, so the dining hall wasn’t completely full anymore, but there were still quite a few people around. All conversations seemed to stop the moment Mat walked in. He kept his sight on Levi’s back, holding his breath while it seemed everyone stared at him in silence.

He hesitated again once they came close to the higher-ups table. Levi went to sit in his usual spot, next to Erwin, with Hanji and Mike on the other side. Mat wasn’t sure if it would be okay to join them though.

When he faltered in his steps, Hanji beamed at him from her seat. “Hi there!” she waved enthusiastically and gestured wildly to the seat next to her, his old spot. “I’ve wondered where you are,” she chuckled.

Mat let out a relieved breath as he sat down next to her. He could hear the shushing of whispers behind him, but at least some tables seemed to return back to their conversations.

“Thank you,” he whispered to Hanji, who smiled at him in response.

“I’m assuming you’re feeling somewhat better now?” Erwin asked, nodding to him.

“Yeah, it’s slowly getting better,” Mat nodded, but glanced away.

Erwin’s sight stayed on him for a beat longer before he returned back to his previous conversation with one of the Squad Leaders.

“You could have told me you’d be out,” Hanji pouted. “I almost got a heart attack when I couldn’t find you in the morning.”

“Sorry Hanji,” Mat rubbed the back of his head. “I wasn’t planning to.”

“Hm, well, it’s good to see you two talking again,” she nodded to Levi who sent a sharp glare her way in return.

They turned back to their previous conversations after that and Mat zoned out a little. His sight trailed around the dining hall. He could still remember what it used to be like and memories kept popping up in his mind and flashing in front of his eyes as his sight landed on familiar spots. Something wasn’t quite right though and for a while he couldn’t put a finger on quite what it was. Once he realized, he felt his blood run cold. There were people around, but they weren’t the ones he expected to see. He could recognize some of them, even though they’ve all aged, but he couldn’t remember the majority of the faces he was seeing now. It was the Survey Corps, undoubtedly, but it wasn’t the same Corps that he used to be a part of. It dawned on him then that the Survey Corps he was a part of didn’t exist for a long time now. This place didn’t stay, stuck in time, the way he remembered it, while he was gone.

Then his sight fell on a table, just a little bit to the side of the one he was sitting by. It was the table where his squad used to sit. Now it was completely empty. There was something about the sight that made his throat tighten and his hands started to shake.

“No one ever sits there,” Hanji whispered once she noticed where he was looking.

His head snapped towards her as he tried to grasp the meaning of what she just said. His eyes widened and he let out a barely audible, “Why?”

“I don’t know how it happened,” Hanji shook her head, her smile gone. “No one ever went to sit there after we returned from the expedition and it somehow stayed that way. Even the people who joined later know it as the Special Ops’ table,” Hanji’s voice grew quiet and was barely audible. “They won’t sit there, out of respect. No one wanted to feel like replacing the Special Ops.”

Mat stared back at the table, not sure what to say. His hands fell down into his lap.

“They even leave shitty flowers on it, on the anniversary,” Levi added quietly.

“He did too, you know,” Hanji nodded to Levi. “Every one of us did, I think.”

Levi hummed and turned to look into his cup instead.

“It started with someone leaving a flower there the first time,” Hanji continued. “And then other people joined, the old Squads and the Higher-ups, and then other Squad Leaders too… and it just kind of went from there,” she shrugged.

“Thank you,” Mat managed to choke out, his sight stuck on the table.

He stayed sitting there in silence for quite some time. The dining hall slowly emptied out. At some point Hanji stood up from her seat and patted him on the shoulder as she was leaving, saying something about stopping by later. Levi didn’t move from his seat the whole time. Only once Mat slowly turned to him, he raised his eyebrows a little in question and after receiving a small nod, got up to take away his empty cup.

They made their way through the corridors in quiet, towards Mat’s room. He found himself wishing it would somehow take longer though, once they'd stopped in front of the door.

“Are you…”

“I should…” 

They said at the same time and halted.

“Yeah right…”

“No I didn’t…”

They both stopped and stared at each other for a few moments, until Levi scoffed.

“What the fuck is this,” he growled for himself.

“I’ll see you later, then,” Mat sighed and his sight fell to the floor. He slipped into the room, closing the door behind him softly, before Levi had a chance to respond. Leaning against the door, he let out a sigh and ran his hand through his hair.

He walked over to the desk and sat down. Hanji brought over the papers he started to write the report on. Well, the papers with the header, so far. He stared at them and then let out another sigh. He’d need to write them at some point anyway, might as well get it over sooner, rather than later.

_____

Year 844 (850)  
27th Scouting Expedition Behind the Walls  
Reporting: Section Commander Mattias Kenett, Leader of the Special Operations Squad.

…

_“Dayra, is everything packed?”_

_“Yes, Captain!”_

_“Good. Has everyone checked their personal equipment? Flares, blades, gas tanks, gear, water, rations, formation plans, maps, and so on.”_

_“Yes!”_

_“Okay. We’re ahead of time though, go check again!”_

_“Yes, Captain!”_

_“Kyra, run through the squad checklist with the Supply Team.”_

_“Yes, Captain.”_

_“Zane, how’s the rest looking?”_

_“I checked with the Commander, all is settled, no emergency calls so far. The Head of Supplies also gave the go-ahead. All equipment was checked. No new equipment was given out for this expedition so no new deliveries will be used. People are going out on proven gear.”_

_“That’s good. How are the Squad Leaders?”_

_“I haven’t heard of any trouble, though I haven’t seen everyone yet. The ones I talked to seem okay. Should I go check the rest?”_

_“Good work. I’ll go with you. Thanks.”_

_....._

_“Mat, we’re riding out in thirty.”_

_“In thirty? Okay, I suppose. The Squad Leaders should be ready. We checked with the Supply Squads. The Special Ops Squad is almost ready as well. We should be good to ride out in thirty then.”_

_“Good. I need to go catch up with one of the Squads, but I’ll tell Erwin when I see him. He also wanted to do a last recap of positioning and strategy.”_

_“Okay. I’ll get there. Oh, wait, Hanji?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Have you seen Levi Squad yet?”_

_“No, I don’t think so. I don’t think I’ve heard anything about them the whole morning.”_

_“Okay, I’ll go check on them then. Though, could you do me a favour?”_

_“Yeah, sure, what is it?”_

_“If something happens.... Hanji, if something goes wrong, please take care of him, for me.”_

_“Nothing is going to happen, Mat, cheer up!”_

_....._

_“Levi Squad!”_

_“Yes, Captain! All ready!”_

_....._

_“Survey Corps! Prepare for departure on the 27th Expedition Beyond the Walls!”_

_____

Mat wandered down the empty corridor alone, despite being still subject to constant babysitting. It seemed anyone with rank high enough to be put in charge of him couldn’t be bothered to comply with interior’s demands. How unfortunate.

Hanji brought him lunch earlier and distracted him from the report writing for a while. After trying to write something useful onto the papers, he didn’t feel like going to the dining hall for lunch at all. She spent some time with him afterwards, but eventually she had to return to her work as well. 

Surprisingly, spending the rest of the day hunched over reports didn’t do him much good and he found himself desperately trying to ignore a headache building up for the past few hours. He groaned as he rounded a corner and decided to go make himself some tea. It used to be his go-to, apart from other things, so it was worth a shot.

The dining hall was empty and he let out a relieved breath as he walked in. He continued into the kitchen, only to find a lantern lighting up the countertops near the stove. He paused in the door, not sure if to go in when he noticed Levi already working on what looked like a cup of tea. Before he came to a conclusion, Levi had turned around and his sight landed on Mat.

“Hi,” Mat breathed out and stepped in.

Levi nodded to him and then glanced between the stove and Mat. “Tea?” he asked and motioned towards the kettle, heating up.

“Yeah, that was the plan,” Mat chuckled.

Levi hummed and reached out to take a second cup, settling into the old habit of making enough tea for two.

“What paperwork are they holding over your head this time?” Levi asked once the water boiled and he poured it into the cups.

“A report from the 27th,” Mat sighed, barely noticing the way Levi’s hands jerked.

“They want one know?” Levi asked, his voice levelled.

“They want it before the court hearing,” Mat said, his sight falling to the floor. “Supposedly to put together an actual official version of what went down.”

“Is there an official and an unofficial version now?” Levi scoffed.

“The official version for now seems to be that all hell broke loose. The unofficial version they’re trying to prove will be more along the lines of a betrayal. Noone knows who betrayed whom or how and why, but somebody must have done it.” Mat shrugged, his lips pulled into a grimace of a smile.

“Bullshit as always,” Levi growled, took the two cups and nodded towards the exit of the kitchen.

They walked through the dining hall and out into the corridors with Mat holding the doors open for Levi.

“I’m assuming writing the report is not particularly enjoyable,” Levi said as they walked towards the higher-ups quarters.

“Yeah, it’s shit,” Mat said and ran his hand through his hair before dropping it down.

Levi hummed and his gaze flickered towards Mat before returning back to the cups. 

They reached Levi’s quarters after another while of walking in silence. Levi let them in and put the cups onto the coffee table before sitting down onto the couch. Mat joined him, leaving a bit of space between them, which didn’t get past Levi’s sight.

“So, how are you doing now, with leading a squad properly and overall, being one of the main ones in command?” Mat asked.

“Decent,” Levi shrugged. “The paperwork is just as bad as you always had it,” he grumbled. “The squad is good. They’re competent. The little brats that enlist every year, not so much.” 

Mat chuckled at that. “Did they put you in charge of training the newbies?”

“No, but they force me to help out,” Levi said and crossed his arms.

“I see,” Mat smiled and nodded to himself. “The scare must do the newbies good, then.”

“Oi, stop talking shit,” Levi cast him a glare, but it softened after a brief moment.

“Yeah, right,” Mat shook his head, smiling.

“You know, I might suggest that they make you do it instead. The newbies could indeed learn a lot,” Levi shrugged, the corners of his mouth twitching.

“Oh no, I thought you said you didn’t hate me,” Mat gasped in mock shock before smiling again. He seemed to relax into the couch, his posture losing stiffness with each moment.

“Nah,” Levi turned towards the table and reached for his cup, looking at Mat out of the corner of his eye.

“Well that’s unfortunate,” Mat shook his head. “I might just go then, if that’s how you see it.”

“You can’t,” Levi said pointedly after he took a sip. “I’m on babysitting duty this evening.”

“Huh?” Mat’s sight snapped up. “Ah, right. That shit is still a thing.” He sighed and his shoulders slumped a little, though he tried to cover it up with a strained smile.

“Hey,” Levi said, turning towards Mat. “No one’s actually keeping up with it. No one in here cares about shitty interior rules.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Mat said.

“Mat,” Levi said after a beat of silence, making Mat look at him. “You’re here because I want you to be,” he scoffed. “You don’t have to. I assumed you’d want to, but you don’t have to stay.”

“I want to stay,” Mat breathed out, surprised by the sudden change in atmosphere.

Before either of them noticed it, they were very close to each other. Definitely closer than they have been minutes ago. Then it only took a small shift and Levi’s lips barely touched Mat’s.

Mat moved closer and pressed them together more firmly, kissing him back. Levi gasped as Mat’s hand found its way into his hair and got tangled there, holding him in place. He turned his head a little to deepen the kiss and raised his hand to put it on Mat’s cheek.

Except, once Mat caught the movement from the corner of his eye, he jerked back, surprising both of them.

“What...” Levi gasped out, his eyes wide and trained on Mat.

“Shit, I... I didn’t mean to...” Mat said through panicked breaths, stiff and frozen in spot, his eyes wide.

“Fuck,” Levi breathed out as his shoulders slumped down and he ran a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Mat said despite his throat tightening.

“No,” Levi shook his head. “No, it’s not your fault.”

Mat stared, unable to say or do anything. His hands dropped down into his lap and he tried to slow down his breathing, only now noticing the painful protest of his ribs. 

“Have you...” Levi started and shifted his sight away. “Was that a flashback?”

“I-” Mat hesitated, shaking his head.

“Don’t lie,” Levi grunted, clenching his fist.

Mat took a deep breath, ignoring the flare of pain spreading through his chest. “Yeah,” he breathed out.

“Fuck,” Levi grunted.

“I- It’s not-” Mat tried to put together a sentence, something that would make this thing better, but he wasn’t sure quite how to.

“No, no this is on me,” Levi said and stood up from the couch, walking away, keeping his back to Mat. “We said we’d take this slow. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, that was my fault too,” Mat shook his head in resolution.

With a sigh Levi turned back to face him. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

_____


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :D  
> After a bit of a break I'm back with another chapter. It should be a little longer than usual, at lest :D
> 
> Let me know what you think about it, I love to see people's comments :)  
> Another update should be coming soon, so I'll see you then :)

Mat strolled through the training grounds, observing the squads as they went on with their training. The weather was particularly nice and he couldn’t help but think it felt quite like it used to, before everything went to shit. His life in the corps wasn’t easy, especially the few months before his last expedition, but he still believed in, and enjoyed what he was doing. The nostalgia was hitting him hard there and he let himself enjoy the idea that maybe, just maybe, things could go back to the way they used to be.

He walked past the fields and stopped for a moment to see how the conditioning training was going. The squads in the fields were training since early in the morning, and though it didn’t seem like the most demanding routine Mat has ever seen, they were still pushing through despite exhaustion and making sure no one slacked off. He could feel pride swell in his chest. He made sure to keep his distance though, still feeling like he didn’t quite belong and not wanting to interfere with anyone’s training. Once he got to observe the squads that were a part of his section back when he was still in charge, he immediately recognized the routine. Slightly adjusted to the squads’ needs, it was still his own personal recommendation plan. He couldn’t help but smile. Knowing that they still valued his work this much made him feel a little more at home. He made a note of stopping by the squad leaders later, just to chat and thank them for their hard work.

The combat training also seemed to be going decently well, apart from some technical issues that the newer members were currently working on, it seemed everyone still stuck to it. Despite years passing, some things don’t change. After just a few minutes spent observing from afar Mat managed to pick out a few soldiers that looked like very skilled fighters with refined styles and practiced routines. He was glad to see it.

The one thing he was the most excited to see was the 3DMG training. It used to be his favourite part. He fell in love with it back in his trainee days and enjoyed it the most out of everything he did since then. There was a wonderful feeling of freedom that came with 3DM gear practice that he hasn’t gotten from anything else, at least until he found out what living outside was like. Quickly abandoning that thought, he focused on the practice instead. The basics seemed the same as he knew them. Those don’t change and the way to operate the gear has remained the same still, after years. Some teams seemed to be trying new things though and he liked to see them improving the strategies and formations. It surprised him when he realized that he wanted to be a part of the formation. He wanted to go through the process of strategizing and then putting their plans to use. He wanted to try it out and experience the feeling of finally getting it right with his squad, again.

“Feels like the good old days, doesn’t it?” A voice to his right surprised him. 

Mat recognized it immediately and froze in his spot. He didn’t dare to turn around and look. He could feel the shiver run down his back and his hands suddenly felt clammy.

“Yeah, it does,” he stuttered out, forcing his sight to remain focused on the forest. “I missed that part of living with the Corps,” he said quietly.

“What? You mean the gruesome trainings that left us as good as dead every time?” the voice chuckled.

Mat flinched before responding. “No, more so the training together part. Having your squad around.”

“Hm, so you did miss the corps,” he hummed.

“Yeah, I missed them,” Mat nodded slowly.

“Then why haven’t you just come back? At some point? Even if it was late, you could have joined them during one of the missions?” It sounded casual, but there was a hidden accusation in there that made Mat’s breath get stuck in his throat.

“Because there wasn’t much to come back to,” Mat whispered. He took in a breath and steeled himself before continuing. “Yes a lot of people were still here, but I didn’t think they’d want to see me again. And I didn’t want to know what the corps was like without you.”

“Oh, please,” he scoffed.

“No, you’ve been here since day one. Since the trainings and even before, I… I couldn’t just come back without the squad,” Mat hurried to say, the words coming out panicked and kind of jumbled.

“Well, you’re back now, what are you going to do about it?” he continued, softer now.

“What am I supposed to do about it? The decisions don’t exactly depend on me right now,” Mat shook his head and sighed.

“Well, you could stop pretending that we’re coming back, for example,” he noted. “You could start with not talking to dead people and instead talking to the people who are still here.”

Mat flinches again. “That’s not fair,” he said, his head dropping down.

“Yeah. You should be used to it by now,” he responded.

“Harsh,” Mat pushed out.

“I know. But it seems like you need it right now,” he said.

“Why?” Mat breathed out and just barely managed to not turn around. 

“What do you want? In the future I mean? Where do you want to go from here?”

“I don’t know,” Mat said, the words barely making it past his lips.

“Well, think about it. Do you want to go back outside again? Why? What for? Or do you want to leave this behind and move on, do something else? Sure. What would you do? Where would you go? There are places for you, but you’d have to look hard for them. Do you want to stay? Is there still something in the Corps that you want to do?”

“I don’t know,” Mat shook his head.

“You do, somewhere deep down. I don’t think your job here is done yet.”

“Well, yours wasn’t either,” Mat blurted out. The forest in front of him was becoming blurrier with every sentence and the sounds of training were fading away. He hadn't noticed when the rest of the world went out of focus, but now everything seemed so far away.

“That’s not nice. No, it wasn’t. Unfortunately I had to leave it to you to carry on.”

“Why? Why did I have to stay?” Mat said and reached to rub at his eyes to maybe make things a little less blurry.

“That’s how things work out sometimes,” he said, quietly.

“I missed you. So much,” Mat whispered and gave up on trying to bring reality back. 

“I know. But you shouldn’t be stuck talking to ghosts. Especially if you don’t even listen to them,” he scoffed.

“Then what are you doing here?” Mat asked, once again fighting against the urge to just turn around.

“You tell me,” he said, the sentence fading away almost faster than he could finish it.

Mat snapped and turned around, but there was nothing there. His heart was beating fast and he noticed how ragged his breath got. He gasped and tried to get in a few even breaths as he looked around the fields. With a sigh, he ran a hand through his hair as he turned back to the forest only to note that there were completely different people training now. He must have zoned out for quite a while.

“Mat! Hello.” 

He heard someone called out to him and stiffened again before he noticed Mike jogging towards him. He relaxed and waved towards him slightly.

“Hi there,” Mat said, pushing a smile onto his face.

“How is it going? Enjoying the weather?” Mike said as he came to stop by Mat.

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “I needed a bit of a break so I thought I’d go out for a bit, see how things are going these days.”

“You’re still working on that report?” Mike asked and a crease formed on his forehead.

“Yeah,” Mat nodded. “It’s one hell of a thing. It’s long and will still take some more time to actually finish everything.”

“Hm,” Mike hummed and cast him a glance. “Must be difficult, getting through all of it.”

“Yeah, it’s not great,” Mat shrugged. “But I’ll deal. Besides, it’s going to be over soon at least.”

“Hey, we’ll be there.” Mike said and turned to him. “We’ll be there for you the whole time and we won’t let them do anything. The trial is just a formality. We won’t let them have anything.”

“Thank you,” Mat smiled a little, but it didn’t feel quite right.

“Anyway, what do you think?” Mike nodded towards the training squads. “I assume you’ve seen quite a bit of the training.”

Mat nodded. “Not bad. A lot of the training plans seemed to actually look decent and people are not slacking off even when they could, which is good to see.”

“We’re still working hard, even these days,” Mike smirked and pushed at Mat’s shoulder slightly.

“Yeah, there are some adjustments that could be made though,” Mat noted. 

“Oh?” Mike chuckled. “Old habits die hard huh?”

“Seems so,” he nodded.

After that, silence fell over them for a bit as they both turned to look at the training. 

“Would you want your old position back?” Mike asked so quietly, it was barely audible. "If you could, would you be willing to do it again?” he continued, hope making its way into his voice.

“I don’t know,” Mat sighed.

“I mean, you were great at your job,” Mike jumped in. “The Corps would benefit a lot from having you back. We’d love for you to work again. And we’d love to have you here in any way shape or form, you know that, right?”

“Thanks Mike, I’m glad to hear that,” Mat nodded, but the smile felt strained on his face and he quickly looked away, towards the forest.

“Good,” Mike nodded, but it felt like a prompt for Mat to continue.

“I’ll think about it. I mean, if they let me…” he breathed out after a while. “I don’t have anything against the job by itself. I liked it. It’s just, after everything, I don’t know if I’d be able to handle it.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Mike said and patted Mat’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry for making all of this difficult,” his head dropped down.

“Don’t,” Mike shook his head. “Whatever you choose, I respect that.”

_____

After working on the report for hours, the air in his room seemed stale and Mat’s ears rang with the screams and cries of soldiers at a battlefield. He hasn’t heard them for years but they came back, just like that. He could feel the well-known metallic taste in his mouth. His hand twitched more with every line he put down and his handwriting was becoming illegible. He pushed on to keep writing for as long as he could, until he couldn’t anymore. The air smelled of death, somehow and the chatter he could hear from outside when he started was completely gone, drowned out by the calls for help that echoed in his mind. He pushed against the desk, moving the chair backwards, stood up and went to open the window. He took in a deep breath as he felt the fresh air pouring in, but it wasn’t enough. He felt like he had to do something. Not knowing what it was though, he walked out of his room without looking back. He sighed when he heard the door fall shut behind him. 

With no real destination in mind, he stalked down the corridor, cursing the HQ for having a layout that didn’t allow for windows in the corridors. It was always so dark inside, no matter the time of day. The stone was also very good at echoing his steps around, especially since no one was around. He found himself wandering around the building alone, with no people around most of the days, since everyone was busy with work one way or another. In moments like this he could feel himself not belonging the most. It felt like there was a physical wall separating him from the rest of the crops and he had no way of reaching them. Again.

When he passed the door to the dinning hall, the thought of tea crossed his mind automatically. He might as well go make some while he’s around. It used to be his go-to, apart from other drinks, back then, so why not. He pushed against the door and his breath caught in his throat for a split second while he scanned the room. As soon as he realized that it was empty, he let out a relieved sigh. He spaced out for most of the time it took him to prepare the tea, walk into the dinning hall and sit down. Maybe slipping into some old habits wouldn’t be as hard as he thought it might. 

Once his mind was free to roam again it inevitably went back to his report and all the unwanted memories. Somehow the stale smell of battle followed him all the way to the dinning hall and he quickly took a sip of his tea. It was still too hot and he felt it burn his tongue but it was better than the telltale taste of sweat and blood that would follow. It seems there were only so many battles and massacres one could go through before they went insane. 

The one thing he loved about living outside was how the screams of his comrades that seemed to always haunt him stopped after a while. He could just sit, do nothing and it would be silent all around. Somewhere deep down he knew that couldn’t be permanent, so he wasn’t surprised that they came back, but he was surprised at how easy it was. It felt like they never disappeared in the first place. The first few couple of times it happened, he jerked in his spot. Now they didn’t surprise him anymore. Although it felt like losing bits of himself every time he ignored them and pressed on. 

When he heard footsteps approaching him, he ignored them and kept staring at his cup, thinking it was his mind playing tricks at him, like it did so often these days. The footsteps stopped though and a shade fell over his cup which made him look up.

“Hi there,” Hanji waved at him with a small smile on her face. She stood by the table and went to sit into the seat opposite of Mat.

He blinked, surprised for a moment, before it truly registered in his mind. “Hi,” he nodded to her then and took another sip.

“You don’t look particularly happy. How is it going?” She nodded to the cup in his hands and frowned a little.

“As good as it can I suppose,” Mat shrugged. “There is nothing else for me to do but write that shitty report. I’m almost done but I don’t want to see that piece of paper ever again in my life.”

“Understandable,” Hanji hummed and fidgeted with her fingers. 

“How did your day go?” he breathed out.

“Eh, same old same old,” Hanji waved it off. “Worked on some experiments, I even finished some of the paperwork Erwin wanted from me last week, so good I would say, overall.”

Mat huffed and shook his head. “I swear there’s got to be something better going on in here than just an endless stream of paperwork.”

“Nah, not right now I would say.” Hanji shook her head and smirked. “Most of us don’t really have personal lives you know, so I’m sorry to tell you, you’re the hot news around right now. I think all the gossip has made it around the Corps at least three times by now.”

“Wonderful,” Mat deadpanned.

“At least the newbies have something to do in their free time,” Hanji chuckled. “How is your personal life going though? I’d assume things with Levi are not ideal. Are you two managing somehow?” she asked, the concern evident in her voice.

“Yeah, I think,” Mat sighed. “It’s not too good, but I didn’t expect it to be any better to be honest. I just wish something would be normal about this whole situation, but every time I feel like maybe things haven’t changed too much, something new comes up,”

“Hm, yeah, I don’t think there’s an easy way around this.” Hanji hummed. “But you’ll manage, I’m sure. If I were to choose two people that can figure this out, it would be you. And in any case, I’m here for you, no matter what happens.”

“Thanks,” Mat nodded with a smile.

“How are you doing with the rest of it?” she asked, unsure whether to mention the topic at all. “I can’t imagine things being easy?”

“Yeah, it’s not.” Mat sighed and shook his head. “I miss them. All the time. I thought I got better, but seeing the place without them, it’s just not the same”

“I get what you mean,” Hanji sighed. “So many times I expected someone to be there when they just couldn’t anymore.”

“Right?” Mat’s sight dropped back down to the cup. “And the people around here have changed quite a bit. I get that, it was to be expected, but I don’t recognize so many of them and it’s just hard sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Hanji nodded.

Silence spread between them, a thick and heavy feeling settling over them.

“How about Leena? Will you go see her?” Hanji said quietly, trying to get rid of the weird atmosphere.

“Well, I’m not allowed to leave now,” Mat shrugged. “But I haven’t thought about it yet. I mean, she doesn’t know about me yet, does she?”

“I don’t know.” Hanji shook her head. “The news hasn't made it far out of the corps yet and no one wrote to her personally as far as I know, but she might have heard rumours.”

“I don’t know,” Mat sighed. “Now that I might actually get to see her, I want to. But also, I don’t know what she’d think and I don’t want to just appear out of the blue.”

“Yeah, I get that,” she said.

“I’ll see how the trial goes and based on that probably,” Mat continued, his sight trained on the cup. The whole thing just felt wrong now.

“That’s tomorrow, right? Are you ready?” she asked, changing the topic somewhat.

“Ready is a strong word that I would not use here, but I suppose,” he laughed slightly, trying to make it sound a bit lighter.

“I see,” Hanji chuckled. “Well, we’ll all be there.”

“Thanks,” Mat smiled.

“Hey, there you are,” A voice from the front of the dinning hall made them both look up. “In the usual spot, I see,” Mike nodded to them as he walked over to the table and went to sit down next to Mat.

Only then Mat noticed he was sitting in his old spot by the Special Ops’ table.

“It’s nice to see someone sitting here again,” Mike said quietly after a moment. “I missed it.”

“Yeah,” Hanji breathed out. “It feels a bit like the old times again.”

_____


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :D  
> I'm back with another update. This one's a bit longer than originally planned :D  
> It's been a bit of a hassle, trying to figure out what exactly should go into the chapter, so I hope you'll enjoy it. Definitely let me know what you think in the comments, I'd love to hear it.  
> Also a huge thank you to everyone commenting on the chapters, and leaving kudos, it always makes my day and makes me want to write so much more :D  
> I did some more planning and pre-writing for the next few chapters, and I'm soooo excited for what is to come :D
> 
> Hope you enjoy the reading :)  
> yours truly,  
> another author who doesn't know the concept of time management

Throughout dinner, Mat found himself distracted by the conversation for most of the time. He tried to pay attention to what was going on around, though he rarely contributed. However, once he noticed people leaving and the dining hall slowly quieting down, he couldn’t help but fidget in his seat, feeling the anxiety and nerves grow with every minute. The date of the tria he was given was surprisingly soon after the order to court came in and that could not mean a good thing. They had to set out to leave early in the morning the next day. Never in his life had he thought he’d be brought in front of the military court and the whole thing still seemed surreal. After all those years of duty and all the sacrifices he made for the military, none of this felt right. As he mulled over the possible outcomes and all the things that could go wrong, it wasn’t so easy to pay attention to what was going on anymore and he seemed to zone out more and more. No one really pointed it out though, apart from a few concerned glances from Hanji and a wake up nudge from Mike, for which he was grateful. Anything that would distract him from his thoughts was welcome at this point.

He barely noticed it when Levi stood up from his spot, walked around the table and stopped by Mat before leaving. 

“If you’re done with that shitty report for tomorrow, you could stop by my room later, if you want to?” Levi asked quietly, so that no one else could hear them.

“Yeah, sure,” Mat nodded. 

Levi glanced at him and gave a curt nod before he walked off. Mat turned his attention back to the table which was now almost empty, and the leftover food in front of him. He noticed Mike glancing at him briefly while talking to some of the Squad Leaders that still stayed behind. Hanji wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that she was focusing on him. Erwin had left earlier to read through all the material for tomorrow and do some last minute preparations. Mat’s shoulders slumped and he tried to push down some more of the food.

“Mat, you and Levi,” Hanji whispered, touching his arm gently. She glanced around, making sure no one was paying attention to them and continued with an even more hushed whisper. “It’s not public, is it?”

“No,” Mat shook his head just the tiniest bit and sighed. “I don’t even know what it is now, much less, what of it should be public. Most likely nothing, given the current circumstances.”

Hanji hummed in understanding. “Yeah, this doesn’t seem like a good time for such an announcement.”

“I can’t imagine it will any time soon,” Mat added and picked up some more of the unidentifiable mass that they called dinner. His hand shook as he lifted it and the idea of eating any more of it made his stomach turn. He scrunched his eyes and let out a shaking breath as he let his hand fall back down.

“Easy there,” Hanji frowned and rubbed the side of his arm. “You have to eat, but there’s no need to push it. Not like this.”

Mat nodded and with another shaky breath shuffled away from the table a little.

“Nerves about tomorrow?” Hanji asked, turning towards him.

“Who wouldn’t?” Mat let out a humourless chuckle and ran a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, stupid question.” Hanji nodded and her gaze fell down a bit.

“No, no, sorry. I’m just a bit on edge now. I didn’t mean to…” he sighed.

“Yeah, that’s okay. I’m done eating, if you want to leave now, you can come with me,” Hanji nodded towards the doors.

“Yeah, okay,” Mat breathed out.

Just as they stood up, ready to leave, the doors to the dining hall opened and Erwin walked in with quick, long strides, heading straight towards them.

“Hanji? I need you to look over something for tomorrow,” he said as he stopped in front of them, a deep frown settling on his face.

“Okay,” Hanji said. “I’ll just take Mat back to his room, and then I’ll head to your office.”

“I’m afraid it’s quite urgent,” Erwin said and cast an apologetic look Mat’s way.

“Oh, I-” Hanji started.

“It’s okay, I’ll go with him,” Mike said as he walked to them and smiled at Mat. “I don’t mind one last babysitting duty. It’s rather amusing actually,” he smirked, trying to lighten the situation a little at least.

“Thank you,” Erwin nodded to him.

“You’ll be alright?” Hanji turned to Mat with worry evident on her face.

“Yeah, it’s all good,” Mat said. “Go, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He smiled, trying to reassure her at least somewhat.

She nodded, but the frown on her face didn’t leave as she turned around to hurry and follow Erwin out of the dining hall.

“Should we go then?” Mike asked.

“Yeah,” Mat breathed out and set off towards the hallways with Mike falling into a stride next to him.

The sound of footsteps echoed as they walked through the empty corridors. Mat got lost in his thoughts once again, so much that a flicker of one of the torches on the walls made him flinch. Mike didn’t seem to notice though, for which he was grateful. 

They reached the corridor to Mat’s room soon enough, except instead of turning right, as they should to get to Mat’s room, Mike continued straight without a moment’s hesitation.

“Wha- I thought you were supposed to take me back?” Mat stuttered out as he sped up to catch up with Mike.

“I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t stay there for longer than half an hour anyway, so let’s just say I did,” Mike shrugged and smirked. “Look, soon enough this pretense of supervision will be over, and no one really cares where you are or what you’re doing anyway, as long as we know you’re safe,” he said, his expression turning serious. “You two should talk and it’s better if you’re not alone. I just want to make sure you’ll get there in one piece and you’ll be alright this night. It’ll give me some much needed peace of mind.”

“Okay,” Mat said, but couldn’t help his gaze shifting to the floor. 

“I’m sorry,” Mike sighed. “I know the constant watch must feel awful. But you’re still injured and with everything that’s going on, it’s just…”

“I know,” Mat said and attempted a strained smile. 

“We also want to spend time with you now that you’re back,” Mike nudjed him a little. “Even if things were perfect I think you’d have people sticking around at all times anyway.”

Mat huffed and chuckled a bit. 

“Aaand there’s my cue,” Mike drew out and stopped. 

Mat turned to him with a confused stare to which Mike only responded with motioning towards the end of the hallway. Mat squinted and noticed a familiar figure leaning against the wall.

“Go,” Mike nodded towards him. “I’ll see you tomorrow, before we leave.”

“Okay, see you then,” Mat said and walked off, sight trained on the silhouette further down the corridor.

“Hey there,” Mat said as he walked closer to Levi. He nodded in response as he pushed off the wall and set off to walk down the corridor.

Mat started playing with his fingers as they walked side by side, not quite sure what to do with himself as the walk seemed to stretch on for longer and longer.

“Tch,” Levi scoffed after a moment as he glanced at Mat.

He paused and looked at Levi, not sure what that was supposed to be about, but Levi is already staring ahead, not meeting his sight. Except, he reached out with his hand and grasped Mat’s hand, squeezing it a little. Mat let out a relieved breath and his shoulder relaxed a little. He squeezed back and Levi left their hands linked for a moment before dropping them as they round a corner. He glanced back with a hint of a smile on his lips. It was gone in an instant, but Mat could swear it was there.

Once they finally reached Levi’s room and walked in, he closed the door behind them, let out a breath and walked towards the window. He paused to look out as his shoulders slumped.

“Levi?” Mat asked quietly before deciding to walk over to where Levi was standing. He shuffled closer and reached out to put his hand on Levi’s shoulder before deciding to let it drop down instead.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked so quietly, it was barely audible.

Levi shook his head, but hasn’t said anything in response.

“Come on, talk to me,” Mat protested. “A lot of stuff is going on right now, I know, but I can’t help with any of it if I don’t know what you’re thinking.”

“It’s the court…” Levi sighed.

“Yeah?” Mat prompted after a while of silence.

“Tch. I don’t want you to do it.” He scoffed.

“What do you mean?” Mat frowned. He glanced at the view of the stars and the sky briefly before his sight shifted back to Levi.

“I don’t want you to have to go there and defend yourself when you’ve done nothing wrong,” Levi said, crossed his arms in front of him and turned his face away from Mat. “I don’t want you to have to anticipate whatever shit they’ll try to pull. And they’re going to. The fucking MP pigs are going to try something, they always do.”

“I know, I know.” Mat sighed as he shuffled to stand next to Levi. 

“Fuck that shit. You shouldn’t have to do this,” he scowled but his arms dropped down.

“I don’t like it either,” Mat said as he finally gathered enough courage to reach out for Levi’s hand and hold it tightly. “It feels weird after all the time and effort that I put into the military. But if it means that I’ll get to be with you, then sure. Bring it on. Whatever it takes.”

That made Levi finally look at Mat and it seemed the last of the anger seeped out. He squeezed Mat’s hand and ran his other hand through his hair.

“Has Erwin decided on what he’s going to propose?” Levi asked as he pulled Mat towards the sofa and slipped an arm around his waist to help him when he noticed Mat flinching as he took a step.

“So far he said the Survey Corps will take the stand that I did nothing wrong. Officially, the Corps recognizes my actions as justified and believes I followed all orders as required. So he’s going to ask them to return my rank, position and recognize me as a full-fledged member, since according to the Corps nothing happened that should compromise it,” Mat said with a few grunts in between as he went to sit down with Levi’s help. “Also, he said he’ll ask for the suspension to be canceled and instead he’ll suggest I’m placed in a convalescence period during which I’m to help the research squad with any findings I have, help with training, etc. and see if I can integrate back to the Corps before being cleared for active duty.”

Levi nodded as Mat was talking, sat down next to him and tried to take it all in. “That would mean you can stay,” he said slowly and glanced at Mat, his eyebrows lifted in question.

“Yeah, that would mean I can decide what to do afterwards,” Mat nodded. “I’d have to tell Hanji about everything I learnt while outside, see if she can draw some new conclusions from it. I’d also have to help with making the training more effective and teaching 3DMG and attack techniques. If I manage to do that and persuade everyone that I can be a functional human being, then it could be my decision whether I stay and return to active duty or not.”

Levi hummed, his sight shifting to the floor.

“But I’m not sure what the military police will ask for,” Mat sighed and shook his head.

“Who the fuck knows,” Levi grumbled and clenched his fists for a moment before he forced them to relax.

“Hopefully it will not be too bad,” Mat said, forcing his voice to sound more encouraging than he felt, and reached out to put his hand on top of Levi’s. “But I can only imagine what their proposal will be. Probably full on execution if they could.”

“Well they can’t,” Levi snapped back before he managed to stop himself. Casting an apologetic look to Mat, he shuffled back to him and took Mat’s hand into his, tangling their fingers together. “What will you do once we win?” he asked after a moment.

“Once? You mean, if?” Mat said, surprise evident in the way his eyebrows shoot up his forehead.

“No,” Levi shook his head before lifting his gaze from their hands to look at Mat. “They have nothing on you. Once we win.”

Mat smiled at that for a moment, before his face fell again. “I don’t know to be honest,” he let out.

“Would you want to stay here?” Levi somehow managed to push through his tight throat.

“Potentially, yes,” Mat nodded.

“What’s the other option?” he asked, frozen in place.

“I might retire, maybe,” Mat said so quietly he couldn’t tell at first if he actually did say it out loud or just in his mind.

“Okay,” Levi said, his face turning expressionless, and stood up from the sofa. He walked towards the bookshelf and started rearranging and straightening the already neatly stored books.

“Levi I- I know you didn’t really want to talk about tomorrow,” Mat started as he observed Levi pick up the same books over and over again. “But I think we should, at least a little.”

“Is there anything more to say though?” Levi paused and put the book he was holding down, but stayed turned with his back to Mat. “We don’t know what exactly they’ll try to throw at us, and it’s not like you can decide now what the outcome of all of this will be.”

“I know, but if they’ll let me decide whether to accept the final proposal or not, I…” he said.

“Then you’ll have to decide on the spot once you know what the options are,” Levi cut in. “I don’t think I can really help you with that right now.”

“I know, it’s just...” Mat sighed. “I wanted to talk about us, and what’s going to happen to us, before the trial.”

“Well, what should happen to us?” Levi froze in his spot once again.

“Levi, I don’t know what I want to do,” Mat threw out his arms in exasperation. “I don’t know if I can come back to the Corps, I don’t know if I want to come back to the Corps. If they ask me to leave, to resign, and I agree, what then?” 

“Would you agree if they ask you to leave the military?” Levi’s voice suddenly sounded cold.

“I don’t know, maybe yes,” Mat shrugged as his hands fell back into his lap.

“You’d leave again, just like that?” Levi’s head dropped a little.

“What? No.” Mat replied. He wished he could see Levi’s face so much in that instant. “That’s not the same as leaving you Levi, that doesn’t mean I’d leave you. I just wouldn’t be on active duty, that’s all.” He pushed against the back of the sofa and clenched his jaw as he tried to shuffle towards the edge despite his back and his ribs screaming at him not to.

“Where would you go?” Levi whispered. “Where else would you want to go?”

“I don’t know,” Mat huffed out through his teeth, his eyes scrunched. “I wasn’t exactly thinking about settling down one day for obvious reasons.” He tried to take a deep breath quietly afterwards. All those sudden movements and uncontrolled fast breathing haven’t done him much good.

“Well, what would you want to do then?” Levi shrugged and turned to him sideways, keeping his sight away from Mat.

“I don’t know Levi, I don’t know what I want,” Mat huffed and barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “I never thought it would matter again, what I want. I never thought I’d need to think again about what I was going to do and who I was going to be.” He sat at the edge of the sofa, steeling himself for the pain that would follow if he decided to stand up.

“And why are you talking to me about this? Why do you want to hear my opinion, assuming you want to hear it?” he scoffed.

“What? Because I- because we-” Mat grunted as he tried to push himself off of the sofa.

“Is it because it’s what you’re supposed to do?” Levi asked, his fist clenching for a brief moment.

“What? No!” Mat exclaimed. “Gah!” He couldn’t stop the loud gasp as he stood up and pain shot through his torso. “Of fucking course not,” he pushed through gritted teeth as he tried his best not to lose balance. “Levi, I want to talk to you about it because I care about you. Because I want to know what you think. Because I want to be with you.”

Levi’s head snapped towards him, his eyes wide. “Okay,” he let out and crossed the distance between them with a few long strides. He grasped Mat’s arm, threw it over his shoulder and pulled at Mat’s waist to make Mat lean his weight on him. 

“Okay?” Mat breathed out through the pain, clutching at Levi’s shoulder.

“There’s something that you do know,” Levi nodded, not daring to look away from Mat’s face. “Also, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“What?” Mat gasped and then paused to take a few slow breaths. “You were standing over there for so long and I just wanted to…” his throat tightened and instead of continuing he turned slightly and buried his face in Levi’s shoulder, leaning against him even more.

“You’re so fucking stupid sometimes,” Levi grumbled, astonished. He sighed and pulled Mat closer, lifting his arm to run his hand through Mat’s hair.

Mat grasped at the back of Levi’s shirt, trying to breathe as calmly as he could.

“Well, you could probably start completely over if you wanted to,” Levi said quietly after he heard Mat’s breaths slowing down. “You could just leave all of this, and all of us behind and go live a different life if you wanted to.”

“I don’t want that though,” Mat shook his head immediately. “I want you in my life. I want Hanji and Mike and Erwin and the squad in my life. I want to be with you.”

“There you go,” Levi said. “That’s something. And even though I don’t like the idea of you being far away, if you’ll tell me that the Corps isn’t where you want to be, then we’ll figure it out.”

“Will we?” Mat whispered.

“We will,” Levi said resolutely. “I don’t want you far away. But I also don’t want you in danger and leaving the Corps would mean you’re safe somewhere doing what you want to do and I won’t have to worry about losing you like that ever again. But this is not my decision to make,” he shook his head slightly and put his hand on Mat’s cheek, leaning away a little to be able to look at him.

“But it is a decision that will impact you. You should have a say in it,” Mat said, his eyes frantically searching Levi’s expression.

“Maybe,” Levi shrugged a little. “But I’m saying, all I want is for you to be happy. That’s it.” He rubbed his thumb along Mat’s cheek soothingly. “If that means you’re going somewhere else, as long as you’re happy I’ll learn to live with it. I’ll support you and stand by you whatever your choice will be.”

“I- Thank you,” Mat whispered.

“Mat, I trust you and your decisions,” Levi said and leaned his forehead against Mat’s.

Not knowing what to say, Mat just kept looking at him, his eyes wide and his grip on Levi’s shirt tightened.

“Most of your decisions anyway,” Levi shrugged. “When it comes to your sleeping schedule, your decisions are worse than horse shit.”

“What? Hey!” Mat huffed and then laughed. “Like yours are any better.”

“They are,” Levi said with a stern expression, though the corners of his lips kept twitching. “Because I’m making the decision that we’re both going to sleep now. We have an early morning tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Mat chuckled as an easy smile settled on his lips. “What if I make the decision to not go just yet?”

Levi smirked. “That’s cute and all, but considering you can barely move by yourself, I’d say it won’t do jack shit.”

“Ouch,” Mat replied, voice completely flat. 

“Come on then, before I run out of patience,” Levi huffed and shifted around so they could actually walk.

“First you call me cute and now you’re threatening me? This is heading south before it had a chance to head anywhere else first,” Mat said with a lightness in his voice and shook his head, but his grip on Levi’s shoulder tightened and he sucked in a sharp breath as they started shuffling towards the door leading to Levi’s bedroom.

“Easy there, keep breathing, you’re doing good,” Levi kept repeating quietly as they made their way through the room while Mat kept frowning and scrunching his eyes.

He breathed out in relief once they finally reached the bed. He hasn’t even realized how and when they managed, but the moment he sat down he couldn’t give less of a shit. With the last of his will, he shuffled so that he could lie down.

“Don’t you want to change first?” Levi asked.

“I don’t think I can at this point,” Mat shrugged.

“Okay,” Levi frowned. “Try to get some sleep then,” he said as he pulled the blanket over Mat.

“Wait,” Mat said and reached out to grasp Levi’s hand just as he was about to walk away. 

“What is it?” Levi turned, the crease on his forehead softening.

“I- Don’t go,” Mat breathed out. “I mean, if you want to go that’s okay, it’s just maybe, if you’d want to stay…” he rambled out and only stopped when he noticed Levi’s raised eyebrows and twitching corners of his mouth.

“Okay, if you want me to,” He nodded.

“If you think it’s alright…” Mat trailed off.

“Yeah,” Levi said and carefully pulled his hand from Mat’s. “Just give me a moment.”

Levi walked around the bed to the other side. After a bit of rustling Mat felt the bed dip. He shuffled backwards as Levi put his arm around him and pulled him closer.

“Is this okay?” Levi asked quietly as he pulled the blanket over them both.

“Yeah,” Mat said. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

_____

The morning came quickly and Mat woke up to the sound of people talking in the next room. It took him a moment to realize where he was and what day it was. Once he did, he reached behind him but only found an empty bed with cold sheets. He decided there was no time to feel disappointed and instead shuffled over to get up from the bed. The benefit of a nice sleep was that everything hurt less than in the evenings, so he managed to walk towards the door leading to Levi’s room without major issues. He yawned and reached out to open the door, preparing himself to join the people talking on the other side.

“Shut up, shitty glasses. He’s somehow still sleeping. You said yourself he needs every minute of sleep he can get, so don’t wake him up,” Levi hushed.

Mat hesitated by the door and ran his hand through his hair.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry,” Hanji replied, substantially less loudly than she talked before. “You probably know him the best, how is he doing?”

“Fuck if I know,” Levi sighed. “He seems decent one moment, and then somewhere completely else the next.”

“Yeah. From what I’ve noticed at times he seems fine, and at times he spaces out a lot,” Mike said. “But then there’s the thing from a few days ago.”

“That’s not the main issue though,” Levi sighed. “That’s been there before, it’s not new. It’s more that he’s just not... He doesn’t laugh like he used to, he doesn’t joke like he used to. He’s awfully quiet. He keeps doubting everything, and apologizing for everything.”

“That’s to be expected though, I’d think.” Hanji said, slowly. “So much has happened, while he was gone and then when he came, it’s such a huge change, and there’s so much going on still,” Hanji said. “Physically he seems to be getting better at least.”

“Debatable,” Levi grunted.

“Better. Not good. Better than he was,” Hanji said. 

“I don’t like seeing him like this,” Mike sighed.

“No one does,” Hanji replied. “But he’ll get better. He has us. And the Corps. It will take time and effort and a lot of support, but he’ll get better.”

“If he accepts the help you mean,” Levi said.

“Yeah,” Hanji sighed and paused. “I know I shouldn’t think like this, but maybe he was better off before we took him in?”

“Bullshit,” Levi spat. “We’re not better off without him and in the same way he’s not better off out there alone. I’m never going to regret having him back.”

“What about the trial though? If MPs somehow win, who knows how he could end up…” Hanji trailed off.

“They won’t,” Levi cut in. “They won’t and that’s it. I’m not losing him again.”

Mat decided he has definitely heard enough. In fact he shouldn’t have listened at all, but what is done is done. It was time to stop though. Before he’d manage to persuade himself otherwise, he reached out and opened the door. The conversation in the other room stopped immediately and three heads snapped towards him.

“Good morning,” he said slowly and hesitated for a bit before walking in and closing the door behind him.

“Morning,” Hanji smiled and waved at him as Mike nodded.

“Did you sleep well?” Levi asked, carefully observing Mat’s movements as he walked towards them.

“Decent,” Mat nodded.

“Good,” Levi said and reached out to help Mat sit down next to him.

“Thanks,” Mat murmured, suddenly very aware of all the attention on him. “So what’s the plan?”

“We should be leaving soon, but there is enough time for you to get ready, eat breakfast and all that,” Hanji said and waved her hand. “No need to hurry yet.”

“Okay,” Mat nodded.

“Alright, we should head off,” Hanji said as she stood up. “We’ll see you at breakfast.” She waved as she walked to the door, followed by Mike.

Once the door closed behind them Mat let out a sigh and leaned against Levi.

“You heard,” Levi said, and ran his hand up and down Mat’s back.

“Yeah,” Mat nodded.

“How much?” Levi asked.

“Enough, I think,” Mat sighed. “I wish you wouldn’t have to worry about me so much.”

“They care about you,” Levi said. “We all do. That’s it.”

“I know,” Mat looked away. “I’m-”

“Don’t,” Levi cut him off. “Don’t apologize. There’s nothing to apologize for.”

“Okay,” Mat breathed out.

“Good. We need to get ready for breakfast.”

_____

The morning passed by quickly with people buzzing around and before Mat could realize what was going on, he was standing outside the Corps, looking at the two carriages ready to leave. He managed to get in some food, mainly because of Levi’s staring, but by the time he finished, his hands started shaking and haven’t stopped since. 

A few Scouts stood by the carriages with their horses, ready to depart. Levi stood next to him, but had to keep some space between them. Hanji, Mike and Erwin walked out the main door, holding a few documents. Erwin walked towards one of the carriages to put the papers away while Hanji and Mike stopped by Mat. 

“You’ll be alright,” Hanji said and tried to smile encouragingly. “We’ll be there the whole time and it will be over sooner than you’ll realize.”

“Okay,” Mat nodded and tried to smile back, at least a little.

Casting him one last glance, Hanji turned around, walked towards Erwin and got into the carriage.

“Let’s get this over with,” Mike sighed. “Don’t worry so much, the wrinkles don’t suit you,” he smirked and patted Mat’s back before walking over to stand by the carriage, just as Erwin walked back towards them.

“Mat, I’m very sorry…” Erwin said as he came closer and reached out a hand to Levi.

“You’re joking,” Levi spat as he stared at the handcuffs being passed to him.

“It’s protocol,” Erwin sighed. “There’s nothing I can do about it. He needs to have them during transportation. He also needs to go in a separate carriage. I’m really sorry.”

“Bullshit,” Levi growled. “This is ridiculous.” 

“I know,” Erwin replied and looked at Mat. “There’s no way around it though. I know I’m asking a lot, but I need you to cooperate.”

“I know,” Mat sighed. “Levi, let’s not make this more difficult than it needs to be. The sooner it’s done, the better,” he said, his sight trained on the handcuffs. His throat tightened.

“No. Fuck this shit,” Levi spat. “There’s no reason for you to wear them.”

“Levi please,” Mat whispered as he turned to look at him.

“Tch,” Levi looked away and grabbed the handcuffs.

He walked behind Mat and hesitated before tapping at his upper arm a few times.

Mat brought his arms behind him while his sight shifted down. He felt the dread pool in his stomach, the edges of his vision grew darker.

When he heard the sound of shackles he sucked in a breath and scrunched his eyes, trying to ignore the taste of bile in his mouth.

_He sighed and closed his eyes, willing for all of this to be just another nightmare. But it wasn’t and the sound of shackles and the feeling of cold iron restricting his wrist made him open his eyes again. He saw Erwin observing him carefully, standing up as he finished putting the shackles on. The blade underneath his chin lowered slightly, but not completely. ___

__“I’m sorry,” Levi whispered behind him as he put them on, as carefully as he could._ _

__“It’s okay, not your fault,” Mat pushed out, just loud enough for Levi to hear and forced his eyes to open._ _

__“Thank you,” Erwin said._ _

__Mat couldn’t find it in him to look up. He could feel the stares on him. He wanted to run and hide and throw up at the same time._ _

__Levi carefully placed his hand at Mat’s back, letting him know he was there and giving him a moment before he would have to take him into the carriage. Mat took a shaky breath and somehow forced himself to start walking. It would be one hell of a long ride he realized when Levi helped him sit down in the carriage and walked out with a glance back._ _


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :)  
> Here goes another update, hope you'll enjoy the read.   
> Let me know what you think in the comments :D
> 
> See you next week :D

_  
After another busy and tiring day of training and work behind them, Mat was glad when he finally sat down in the dining hall with a plate in front of him. The food wasn’t anything spectacular, but it was warm and he didn’t have to think. So that was all it took to make him happy these days, he briefly thought before shaking his head and turning his attention back to the table._

_The members of the Squad joined soon enough and the quiet turned into a familiar chitter that Mat found calming after all those years. He glanced around and a smile made its way onto his face while he observed the Squad enjoy a much deserved break._

_“Right, before I forget,” Zane said and clasped his hands to get everyone’s attention. “I believe we need to check in with everyone to see where they’re going for the leave?” he glanced at Mat with raised eyebrows._

_“Yes,” Mat nodded. “That would actually be helpful. So what are the plans this year?”_

_“I’m going home,” Siah shrugged and relaxed a bit when he saw Mat cast him a smile._

_“Good,” Mat nodded._

_“We’re going to visit my family,” Dayra said, motioning towards Kyra._

_“Okay, sounds good,” Mat said. “And Leena said earlier that she’s going home too. So that’s all I think.” He looked at Zane who gave a small nod in response. The other three were quick to jump back into their previous conversation._

_“I’m assuming you will be staying here?” Mat asked._

_“Yeah,” Zane nodded and ate another spoonful from his plate. “It’s not like I have many places to go.” He shrugged. “Have you heard anything from?” Zane trailed off._

_“No,” Mat shook his head. “I don’t think I ever will. They were pretty clear about the whole dead-to-us part after we enlisted,” he shrugged. “I’m staying here, as usual, so it’ll be nice to have company. I’ve heard about a few others who might be around, Levi is staying too, so it might not be too quiet.”_

_“Sounds good to me,” Zane smiled. “So things are good?”_

_“Hm?” Mat glanced back up from his plate. “I suppose. About as good as can be, probably.”_

_“That’s good to hear,” Zane said before turning his attention back to the plate.  
“And what about you? I never hear about anything going on in your life,” Mat teased._

_“Yeah, that’s because there’s nothing going on in my life. I have you lot to look over, so my life is basically non-existent,” Zane grumbled._

_“Really now?” Mat chuckled, but before they could continue with the conversation, they got interrupted by footsteps approaching the table._

_“Hi, there!”_

_The sound of the voice made them turn their heads._

_“Hey Leena!” Dayra called out, followed by Kyra and Siah._

_“Hi there,” Zane waved to her._

_“Hello,” Mat smiled as he saw her walk towards the table. “How was the break?”_

_“Very nice. It was great to go back for a while,” she said and tucked a stray strand of bright orange hair behind her ear. “How were things around here?”_

_“About as eventful as you’d expect,” Zane grumbled, casting a look towards the table._

_“Decent,” Mat clarified._

_“I see,” Leena chuckled. “Well, I just came so I’ll head up to my room to put away all the stuff. I’ve already eaten before, so I don’t think I’ll come back for dinner, but I wanted to stop by quickly and say hi,” she smiled at the squad. “Also, I’ve brought some cakes from home and they’re best fresh, so I was wondering if maybe we could meet up later or something?”_

_“Sounds great to me,” Mat said and glanced around the table. “I didn’t assign any extra work for the evening, so who feels like joining should be free.”_

_“Great,” Leena beamed. “Where should we meet though? The dining hall?”_

_“Hm,” Mat hummed in thought. “You know what, I’ll offer up my quarters if you’ll bribe me with cake,” he smirked._

_“Sure thing,” Leena chuckled. “It would be nice to invite others as well maybe. Hanji, Mike, Levi?” she raised her eyebrows in question._

_Mat hesitated for a moment, but Zane jumped in. “Yes, that’s a great idea. I’ll let them know.”_

_“That’s settled then,” Leena smiled. “See you later,” she waved as she turned around to walk out._

_“How come every time I offer my quarters for anything, half the corps ends up being invited?” Mat huffed, he couldn’t keep a straight face._

_“Yeah, right,” Zane said in amusement. “Because you definitely didn’t want to invite a certain someone and wouldn’t feel weird if it was just us and him.”_

_“Shut up, no. I didn’t,” Mat said quickly, punching Zane’s arm lightly._

_“And we all believe you,” Dayra smirked._

_“I swear, this squad has no respect for their superiors,” Mat shook his head._

_“Hmm, maybe some,” Zane mused._

_“A little,” Siah chuckled._

_“Deep down,” Dayra added._

_“I give up,” Mat threw his arms out and stood up from the table, taking his tray away._

_“We’ll see you later,” Zane called out after him._

_______

_The squad had indeed shown up later that evening and they all gathered in his room. Leena bought two cakes from her home and borrowed some plates and cutlery from the kitchen. They ended up sending Zane for Hanji and Mike. He did however refuse to go tell Levi, stating that it wasn’t his responsibility, and even if he went Levi would not come with him. That earned quite some laughs and so Mat forced out as well, though he minded much less and he said he did. Though, he did threaten them with extra training if there was no cake left by the time he returned._

_He zoned out on the way to Levi’s room and almost ended up passing by without remembering to stop. He sighed and shook his head before knocking on the door._

_The door opened soon enough and Levi peaked out. Once he saw who it was he stepped aside, opening the door wider without any other words and letting Mat slip in._

_“Hey,” Levi said as he closed the door. “You’re not working tonight either?”_

_“No,” Mat shook his head and leaned against the wall. “I managed to escape the paperwork for now. Not sure how long that will last though.”_

_“Fucking finally,” Levi scoffed. He shook his head and sighed. "Sorry, I didn't… It's just been so long."_

_"It's fine. I know," Mat said and grasped Levi's hand, pulling him closer._

_"Tch. Did shit get better at least?" he said, hesitating a little before leaning his head against Mat's shoulder and wrapping his arms around Mat loosely._

_"Things are quieter now, somehow," Mat breathed out. He ran his hand through Levi's hair. "It makes me nervous though."_

_"Calm before the storm," Levi grumbled and his hold tightened._

_“Yeah,” Mat sighed. “But that doesn’t matter now. The Squad decided to spend the evening together today and you’re invited to join. So I’m here to drag you to my room.”_

_Levi scoffed and glanced up. “And here I thought we actually might spend a nice evening together.”_

_“We are,” Mat said resolutely and chuckled, shifting his hand from resting in Levi’s hair to his cheek. “It’s going to be fun and they are saving us some cake. Also, everyone that was invited knows. No stupid hiding tonight.” He leaned down before Levi had a chance to respond and smiled when he felt Levi gasp against his lips, kissing him back without hesitation._

_“Are you sure?” Levi whispered when he pulled back, searching Mat’s eyes for signs of doubt._

_“Yes,” Mat said. He frowned for a moment, running his thumb along Levi’s cheek that his hand was resting on. “Levi listen,” he paused, the frown disappearing though his expression remained serious. “Yes, making an announcement right now wouldn’t do anyone much good, and we should be careful with this, but you’re not my dirty little secret. If it gets out, then we’ll deal with it. I’m not going to deny anything.”_

_Levi kept staring, his mouth parting slightly. He started shaking his head a little, about to protest._

_“No, listen,” Mat interrupted before he could say anything. “I want you in my life, with all that there is to it. The good and the bad. I’m trying to be smart about how I do it, but the most important thing is that I want you in my life.”_

_“Fuck, okay,” Levi whispered, nodding, his eyes wide. He stepped closer and leaned against Mat as he kissed him._

_Mat tightened his grip on Levi’s shirt and tilted his head to the side, deepening the kiss before pulling away, breathless. “I lo-” he cut himself off when he looked at Levi and instead he kissed him again._

_“You what?” Levi gasped out when they pulled apart again._

_“Nothing, not important,” Mat shook his head and pulled Levi closer, into another kiss._

_“Didn’t you say your squad was waiting for us?” Levi said, his voice hoarse, and frowned at the smirk on Mat’s face._

_“Let them wait,” Mat whispered. He stepped aside, pulling Levi with him, turned them both around and pressed Levi against the wall. Leaning down, he tilted Levi’s head up and pressed their lips together again, nipping lightly at his lower lip and pushing his knee between Levi’s legs. He smirked when he heard Levi gasp and let out a breathless moan._

_“Shit,” Levi cursed. He tangled his fingers in Mat’s hair, tugging him closer._

_Mat couldn’t help but groan, pressing himself even closer. He pulled his hand down Levi’s chest until it caught on the edge of his shirt and slipped underneath._

_“Fuck, hold up,” Levi said with a raspy voice, pulling away and leaning his head against the wall, trying to catch his breath._

_“What?” Mat said, dazed. Then something seemed to register in his head and he pulled away, his hand disappearing from Levi’s side. “Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…” he shook his head. “I should have asked. I’m sorry.”_

_“No, no. That’s okay,” Levi said in a hurry, shaking his head. “More than okay. That’s not it,” he looked away, taking a deep breath._

_“More than okay?” Mat said, the corners of his lips pulling up for a moment before the smile slipped away. “Then what is it?” he asked, putting his hand against Levi’s cheek slowly, giving him time to pull away before tilting his head to look at him._

_“If we don’t go now, I don’t think I’m going to let you go anytime soon,” Levi whispered, his cheeks reddening, his eyes flicking away._

_Mat stared at him with wide eyes for a few seconds. He started chuckling and leaned down, resting his forehead against Levi’s shoulder. “Okay,” he smiled._

_“Also, I thought we talked about this already. It’s okay,” Levi grumbled, turning his head away, but running his hand through Mat’s hair._

_“It was okay last time,” Mat said quietly after a moment. “That doesn’t mean that it’s okay now. I should have asked.”_

_“It’s okay,” Levi breathed out. “I mean it though, we should go.”_

_“Sure,” Mat chuckled again and pushed away from the wall, putting some space between them. “I’m happy that you’ll join though, seriously.”_

_“It’s not like you gave me an option not to,” Levi grumbled but the smirk gave him away._

_“Yeah, hush,” Mat waved him off. He frowned and Levi was about to ask why when he ran his hands through Levi’s hair, brushing it out and straightened Levi’s shirt as they fell down. “There,” he whispered, grinning. “My bad, sorry.”_

_“Get out,” Levi scoffed, making Mat laugh loudly and pushed him towards the door._

_“I’m going, I’m going,” he said through the laughter, his arms raised in surrender as he walked out the door and waited for Levi to lock it behind them._

_“The idiots are going to make stupid jokes, aren’t they?” Levi sighed as they walked down the corridor, side by side._

_“Hanji is going to be there, so definitely,” Mat shrugged._

_“Tch,” Levi scoffed._

_“It’s not that bad, they’ll get over it,” Mat said and pushed Levi’s shoulder. “It’s going to be fine.”_

_The walk to Mat’s room passed by faster than they would like and before they realized, Mat was opening the door to his quarters._

_“There they are!” Dayra called out, sitting on Mat’s chair with Kyra in her lap, as they walked into the room._

_Hanji whistled and drummed her fingers against the coffee table in front of her. Levi cast her a murderous glare as he beelined for the couch on the other side of the table._

_“I’m not going to ask what took you so long,” Zane shook his head. He was sitting on Mat’s table, with Siah sitting on the floor in front of it._

_Mat got a pat on the back from Mike, leaning against the wall, which he chose to ignore and continue on his way towards Leena, who handed him two plates, each with a large piece of cake and grinned._

_“I don’t think I would be able to hold them off of these for much longer,” she laughed and nodded her head towards the Squad._

_“Thank you,” Mat smiled and shook his head before taking the plates and walking off to sit down next to Levi on the couch. He leaned against Levi’s side and glanced back at him as he handed him a plate. Levi mouthed him a thank you, to which Mat nodded before turning his attention to the rest of the group that have already fallen back into an easy conversation. He let out a breath as he leaned his head against Levi’s shoulder and smiled a little when he felt Levi’s hand on his back, pulling him closer._

_The conversation flowed easily, with plenty of laughs and some teasing. At some point, Dayra wrapped her hands around Kyra and rested her chin on her shoulder. They stayed like that for the rest of the evening. Siah had a grin on his face through the whole night and Mat was pretty sure this one was far from fake. Even Zane looked happy with an easy smile settling on his lips. Hanji brought out a bottle of homemade something at one point and they all cheered loudly at the toast. Levi kept his hand on Mat’s back, running it up and down from time to time which made a stupidly warm and fuzzy feeling spread through Mat’s chest. At one point he glanced at Mike who shook his head as he walked over to sit down on the couch next to them, but the smile stretched on his lips remained._

_“What?” Mat whispered and nudged Mike’s leg._

_“You look stupidly happy,” Mike whispered back and shook his head again. “You’re turning into one of those disgustingly sweet couples. It’s hard to watch.”_

_“Shut up and let me have this tonight,” Mat whispered, shaking his head with a grin and slapping Mike’s arm lightly._

_“Yeah, sure, Mr Lovey Dovey Eyes,” Mike sighed, but the smile on his face gave him off. “It’s good to see you happy though. It’s been a while.”_

_“Now who’s the sap here, huh?” Mat chuckled._

_“Still you,” Mike said, raised his eyebrows and was about to continue when the door to Mat’s quarter opened and Erwin walked in._

_“I’m terribly sorry to interrupt,” Erwin sighed as he walked in and closed the door behind him. “But this is important, Mattias.” He walked closer to the couch and reached his arm out, handing Mat a piece of paper._

_“Uh, sure. What is it?” Mat said, frowning as he quickly untangled himself from Levi, sat up straighter and took the paper from Erwin’s hand._

_“Response from Sina,” Erwin sighed._

_Mat scanned through the paper, a frown settling on his face. “You’re fucking kidding me,” he whispered as he was reading through._

_“What does it say?” Levi growled._

_“It’s an order to court, because of the 25th expedition.”_

_______


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :)  
> Thanks for reading. Any feedback is appreciated, as always :D
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy the update.  
> See you soon :D

The ride stretched on for too long. No matter which way he sat or how he turned, something hurt, his back, his hands, his ribs... The only thing he could do was close his eyes and try to ignore the world around. Though the cold iron against his wrists didn’t let him do it for too long as images of the cell flashed in front of his eyes after a while. 

He barely registered it, when the carriage finally stopped and wondered what it meant for a brief moment. Then the door opened and someone he didn’t recognize jumped in, grabbed his arm and forced him to stand. He was shoved out and down the steps, almost colliding with the ground. Another set of arms grabbed him from the other side and roughly pulled him forward.

Mat managed a brief glance sideways and felt cold sweat run down his spine when he saw the unicorn emblem on their uniforms. Of fucking course. The two soldiers roughly pushed and pulled him from the carriage towards the courthouse in front of them. It was a nice building at least, he had to give them that, Mat thought bitterly. He could hear yelling from behind him, and was certain one of the voices was Levi’s, but he couldn’t do anything to turn around. One particularly harsh shove to his ribs made him gasp and grunt in pain, which seemed to earn a chuckle from one of the soldiers. He could feel his blood boil.

In front of the courthouse stood masses of people. The chatter was slowly dying out as they came closer and he could feel all of them staring at him. His sight stayed trained on the ground below and he desperately wished to be inside already. For a moment, he was thankful for the brisk pace of the guards.

Walking up the steps was hell and he kept his jaw clenched the whole time to not let out any sounds. When they reached the last step he felt a wave of relief wash over him. Just a moment and he’d be inside, away from the masses, away from the staring, away from the accusations and sighs and insults and shouts and gasps.

“Mattias!” a voice screamed out and made him turn his head back on instinct. He knew that voice very well and he never thought he’d hear it again.

His sight snapped to the person calling out his name and caught on the familiar bright orange messy hair. Wide eyes met each other for a brief second.

“Leena,” he whispered just as the door to the courthouse fell shut behind him and he was forced down the corridor towards the main hall.

He was brought through another set of doors into the courtroom. The stands on each side of the pathway were filled with civilians. He was led down the pathway into the center of the room, with more stands on his right filled with civilians and military personnel alike. On his left were stands for representatives from the military branches and witnesses and in front of him were seats for the judges. The center of the room was empty, save for a single iron pole and was separated from the stands by a fence. The guards stopped him in front of the pole, facing the judge, Darius Zackly.

“Now, I see the protocol is being adhered to very well,” Zackly spoke, staring at the guards, “however as per my knowledge, Mattias Kenett is not under arrest or posing any danger. Let him stand free.”

“Yes, sir!” the guards grumbled as they took off the shackles and left.

“Thank you,” Mat mouthed towards Zackly who only gave him the tiniest nod in response. As a Section Commander, he met Zackly enough times to build mutual respect.

After a few moments, the room settled down and the last few people took up their places in the stands. Zackly scanned the room before he spoke loudly enough for everyone to hear.

“Let’s begin, then.”

He glanced at the papers in front of him and then fixed his sight on Mat.

“Captain Mattias Kenett, Section Commander of the Survey Corps, Leader of the Special Operations Squad, sworn to sacrifice your life for the benefit of humanity. Is that correct?”

“Yes, sir.” Mattias saluted, trying his best to stay standing straight.

“At ease,” Zackly continued. “Due to the nature of the situation and the unusual complexities, this tribunal will be held under military law. The final decision will be made by me, General of the Three Military Branches, in its entirety. Do you have any objections?”

“No, sir.”

“Good. A situation as complicated as this requires an evaluation of your actions and decisions, both to ensure the integrity of the military and to uphold the duty the military has towards the general public. The decision I will make today regards your any and all involvement with the military in the future and any repercussions for your past actions while in the military, should those be necessary. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“First, I’d like to ask The Survey Corps for their statement regarding the issue,” Zackly said, pushing the documents to the side and turning towards the stands.

“As the 13th Commander of the Survey Corps,” Erwin said, standing with his hands held behind his back. He kept his sight on Zackly, save for a brief glance to Mattias. “I, Erwin Smith, speak on behalf of the Survey Corps. The Corps considers Section Commander Mattias Kenett an honoured member and recognizes his actions as justified in line of duty. Furthermore, the Corps attests that Mattias Kenett has followed all orders as required and consistently went above and beyond his responsibilities and duties to serve humanity. We believe he should be granted his rank and position for a period of convalescence before being offered the option to return to active duty if he so wishes.”

“I see,” Zackly nodded after a while of silence and made a note down on one of his papers. He looked up again before speaking. “Next, let’s hear the stand of the Garrison Regiment.”

Pyxis straightened up and coughed a little before he started. “Speaking on behalf of the Garrison Regiment, I, Dot Pyxis, Commander of the Garrison Regiment, recognize Mattias Kenett, Section Commander of the Survey Corps as an honoured member of the military. Based on the reports from 27th Expedition Beyond the Walls, and previous accounts, the Garrison Regiment believes Mattias Kenett is an invaluable resource to the military and should be allowed to assist further with research, training and active duty, should he wish to do so.”

Mat did his best to stay in stance despite the urge to turn around and look at the stands instead. The high ranking officers of the military knew each other and used to meet relatively frequently. He did build mutual respect with many of them, but he’d never expected them to stand on his side in such a strong way, or be so lenient. 

“Accepted,” Zackly said. “And the stand of the Military Police?”

“I, Nile Dok, the Commander of the Military Police,” Dok paused, keeping his sight trained in front of him instead of on Mat, and took a breath, “denounce the actions of Mattias Kenett during the 27th expedition Beyond the Walls and after it. The Military Police believes his actions are not ones of a Captain, Section Commander and a Leader of a specialized squad.”

Chatter picked up in the stands and forced Nile to pause.

“Quiet!” Zackly called out, silencing the courtroom. “Continue, please.”

Mat felt shivers run through him and the room turned around him. He focused on a single spot on the stands for the judge, wishing for his vision to settle back to normal. It helped, but only barely. He could hear Nile continuing his speech, but it sounded as if his words were coming from far away instead of from the stands.

“The Military Police asks the court to renounce Kenett’s rank and position within the Survey Corps, to ensure the failures of the 27th expedition will not repeat. We also request Mattias Kenett to be dishonourably discharged and banned from engaging in any and all military activities in the future.”

Mat couldn’t help but glance at the stands from the corner of his eye. Dok wouldn’t meet his sight. Mat could physically feel the anger and hatred radiating from the Survey Corps section of the stands. Complains between the soldiers in the stands started to pick up.

“Commander Dok,” Zackly said, speaking over the chatter, “those are very radical demands. Is the Military Police Regiment absolutely certain these are justified consequences?”

“Yes, sir.” Dok said, though it sounded like his voice was on the verge of shaking. He gave an almost invisible nodd, his sight trained onto the stands opposite of him.

“Okay then,” Zackly let out a breath. “The court calls up on the first witness-”

He got interrupted by the main doors slamming open. Everyone in the room turned to look as seven members of the Military Police rushed into the room and surrounded Mat, rifles aimed and ready.

“Mattias Kenett,” one of the soldiers said as he stood in front of him.“You’re hereby arrested by the Military Police on accounts of multiple sabotages, betrayal, conspiring with the enemy, desertion and attempted treason, as well as being directly responsible for the death of over a hundred soldiers.”

“What?” Mat breathed out, his eyes searching around for something to explain what was happening. The words of the soldier barely registered. He scanned the stands and saw horrified and disbelieving faces of civilians and soldiers alike. Someone started shouting from the back of the stands.

“Any and all information you provide from now on can and will be used against you,” the soldier in front of him continued. “Any resistance or non-compliance may and will be suppressed by force.”

Mat’s sight trailed between the frowning officers, the judge, the rifles aimed at him and the soldier screaming into his face. He could hear his own heartbeat, drowning out any other sound. Why was no one doing anything? He shifted his sight back to the Survey Corps stands, hoping to find something that would explain the situation. Why weren’t they doing anything?

“Quiet!” Zackly slammed at the stands. “Nile Dok, what is this shit show supposed to be?! You dare disrupt a military court hearing with such arrogant, baseless accusations and endanger civilians and military personnel alike in the process? This is direct disrespect of the highest military orders!” 

“General Zackly, sir,” Dok said and saluted, the hand on his chest shaking. “I’m afraid these are no baseless accusations. I’ve just been informed that new substantial evidence warranting arrest was found while the court was in session. Considering the evidence, Mattias Kenett should be regarded as an immediate threat and hence detained until the evidence is further investigated. As you’re aware, in such an occurrence, it is according to the military law necessary to detain the suspect immediately under any and all circumstances.”

“With all due respect Commander Dok,” Erwin said, and turned to Nile. “I request to see said evidence before the Military Police proceeds.”

“I’m afraid I can’t allow that, Commander Smith,” Nile said, his voice on the verge of shaking, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “It doesn’t fall under your authority. All evidence will be investigated and supplied after the suspect is no longer posing immediate danger.”

“What immediate danger, you spineless piece of shit!” Levi spat and started walking forward, but was caught and pulled back by Mike. “You wouldn’t lift a finger if it comes to putting your life on the line and now you can’t find it in you to look us in the eye while you shit on everything these people fight for and die for?! You’re nothing but a useless shit stain of a lying coward!” Levi strained against Mike’s hold who barely managed to keep him back.

“Captain Levi, please refrain from further comments,” Zackly sighed.

“General Zackly, sir,” Erwin interrupted and stepped forward to stand in between Levi and Nile. “Mattias Kenett served in the Survey Corps for years and we have no reason to believe any of said accusations are true. There is also no reason to believe that he is posing any immediate danger to anyone around here.”

“Those fuckers that don’t know how to use a fucking rifle are more of a danger than Mattias could ever be,” Levi grumbled as Erwin glared at him.

“Survey Corps doesn’t intend to take any such accusations lightly, ever. Let us carry out the investigation as it falls within our ranks. Afterall, that is the standard procedure,” Erwin continued.

Zackly sighed. “Nile Dok is in this case right. This investigation wouldn’t fall under your authority. Military Police is the Regiment responsible for the arrest and any following steps taken.” He rubbed his forehead before looking at the stands again. “Commander Dok, if you’re certain there is evidence to support the accusations and wish to proceed with the arrest, under military law you have the right to. However, if it comes to light that this arrest was unnecessary or unjustified, you will have to bear the consequences. Make your choice carefully,” Zackly said, his voice colder than ice.

“Yes, sir,” Nile responded.

Mat was barely keeping up with what everyone was saying. He felt his legs grow tired and wondered whether his knees would give out. He felt his heart racing and his head spinning. His sight was stuck on the Survey Corps stands, suddenly so far away. The time slowed down as he watched Levi glare at Nile, his fists clenched, Mike barely managing to hold him back, the Special Ops Squad looking at him with worry, faces drained of colour, Hanji staring with mouth open, and eyes wide, holding her hands to her chest, squeezing so harshly all colour has drained from her fingers.

Mat glanced at Nile the exact moment his mouth opened and he said the next word. Time stopped. Mat could only hear high pitched ringing, drawing out all the sound. His breath got caught in his throat. No one moved. 

“Proceed.”

The ringing sounded louder than before as all the noise of the courtroom rushed back. People in the stands were arguing. Someone started shouting. Zackly let his head drop before slamming at the stands. It didn’t help this time. Two more people were standing in front of Levi now, trying to hold him back, shouting over each other. Erwin stepped towards Nile with a pure hatred in his eyes but got stopped by Pyxis stepping in front of him. Hanji was shouting something with a horrified expression, but he couldn’t hear her.

“On your knees!” 

The shout pierced through the rest of the sounds somehow and made Mat look forward again as he tried to identify where it came from.

“I said, on your knees! This is your second warning!” The soldier in front of him was aiming his rifle at Mat, screaming.

“Mattias!”

“No!”

“Mat!”

All of the shouting and noises mixed together. Someone people tried to jump over the fence and Military Police were holding them back.

“Last warning! On your knees! Now!” the soldier screamed. Before Mat could do anything, he nodded to someone in the back.

A deafening shot silenced the courtroom. Mat’s left leg gave out, he realized as he noticed the ground coming closer. A horrific scream pierced through his ears. Was it him screaming? Pain shot up from his left leg. Everything that seemed so far away was suddenly rushing back. The shouting and screaming. People calling at him, and rushing to get off the stands. The disbelief on Zackly’s face. The horror in Erwin’s expression. 

“Mat!” Hanji shouted, tears streaming down her face.

Someone in the back of the stands was letting out high pitched screams. People panicked after they heard a gunshot.

“No! You fucking bastards! Mattias!” Levi shouted. The people keeping him back wouldn’t last much longer.

“Aaaaaaaaaah!” Mat screamed as another wave of hot pain from his left leg hit him. He glanced back and managed to catch sight of a rapidly growing red stain on his pants. 

“Gah!” he shouted when one of the soldiers kicked his side. Another one forced him even further down, pressing his chest and face into the ground, practically sitting on his back. The air was pushed out of his lungs and his ribs screamed in agony. They pulled his arms back roughly while his face staid scrunched in pain. 

Once they got off of him and hauled him up the air rushed back into his lungs. He went into a coughing fit interrupted only by shouts of pain. He gave up on trying to register in which direction they were taking him. Desperately searching through the stands he finally managed to catch sight of Levi’s face staring at him in horror, eyes wide, shouting something, before everything turned black.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm supposed to be studying for exams, and instead I came up with this monstrosity of an update :D  
> read at your own discretion :D (seriously though, if you don't want to read through all of it, just message me and I'll give you the run down of it, no problem :) ) 
> 
> As always, feedback is very much appreciated, I'd love to know what you think :D
> 
> Further updates should be coming soon. Until then, thank you very much to everyone leaving kudos and comments and I hope you'll enjoy the read :)

First came the cold. Then the sticky humidity clinging to him all over. Then he tried taking in a breath. The stale air made him choke up and sent him into a coughing fit, which irritated his ribs. He groaned in pain and tried to shift to a more comfortable position. The clinking of metal that rang out made him freeze on the spot and his blood ran cold. He forced his eyes to open and tried blinking away the haziness.

Then he realized the dark wouldn’t go away and the only light that came in was from a torch on a wall on the other side of bars. He was in a fucking cell again, with stone walls, stone floor, metal bars and shackles tying his arms to the wall behind him. He must have been sitting on the floor for quite some time. Everything felt cold. He glanced down at his outstretched left leg. It seemed they bothered to patch up the hole in his calf, but some blood was still seeping through the bandage. He sighed and let his head fall backwards, closing his eyes and counting to ten quietly. The breath hitched in his throat as memories came rushing back to him.

A scream echoed through the corridor and made him flinch, rattling the chains. More shouting followed before he saw a guard march his way past Mat's cell. Stomps echoed through in between the shouts as he walked further down and Mat thought briefly about counting them to figure out how far the cell was before realizing it would be pointless anyway. Then they stopped. Metal slammed into metal again, and again, making Mat flinch and shut his eyes. Some more shouts came and then silence. It sounded even more deafening than the noise before, making his ears ring. The guard walked back out again and soon disappeared. Mat’s breaths sounded too loud to him.

He decided it was safe to assume there were plenty more cells around him on both ends of the corridor, potentially filled with other suspects or convicts. There also seemed to be at least one person guarding them, probably at all times, though time had a funny way of losing relevance quite fast. 

Seconds dragged by through the silence as Mat’s sight kept flicking around the cell through the darkness. _Stone, and metal. Wall. Stone again, more walls. Bars. Shackles…_ Somehow, the walls seemed to be getting closer when he wasn’t looking. When has his heartbeat become this loud? He hadn't even noticed he could hear it until it was getting louder with each moment, ringing out in his ears before disappearing, making the silence even more pronounced and then coming back louder than before. His breath got caught in his throat and his sight landed on a stain on the ground which only became noticeable as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. It had the distinct shape of splattered blood.

_No stupid loyalty is going to save you here. News-flash: help is not coming. No one is getting you out of here._

“Ah!” Mat gasped out and curled on himself, as much as the chains allowed, while the lingering memory made echoes of past pain spread through his body. The loud rattle he caused made him suck in a sharp breath and focus his sight on a crack in the stone while tears gathered in the corners of his eyes and eventually dripped down his face.

He hasn’t noticed the shaking at first. The clinking of metal sounded weird to him. Once he realized it was the movement of his hands causing it, he was barely holding on to some semblance of regular breathing through clenched teeth. There was nothing he could do to stop it. The tremors coursed through him in waves. They made his ribs hurt and sent sharp pain from his left calf through his whole leg and up his torso every time he moved it. The gasps of pain were only interrupted by desperate gasps for air.

“Oi! Stop the fucking ruckus, would ya?!” A shout drowned out the noise for a moment.

Startled, Mat flinched against the wall behind him and clenched his teeth as another wave of hot pain made him see red. He sat frozen in place, trying to let it pass, holding his breath. He wasn’t sure if he couldn’t breathe or didn’t want to breathe, anymore. As the pain slowly faded out and the red in front of his eyes started turning back into black, he managed to gasp in some air before everything disappeared once again.

_____

_  
Since the news of Sina asking for a court hearing reached the Survey Corps’ HQ all hell broke loose. At least that’s what it seemed like to anyone with some kind of commanding responsibility. Mat had his nose stuck in papers for days on end afterwards. He kept nitpicking his way through the reports from the expedition, looking for anything the interior could use against him, reading through reports on his section during meal-times, signing off on documents before the sun went up, searching through records until he fell asleep on his desk most nights._

_Everyone tiptoed around the Special Operations Squad, Levi and Mike the whole time. Their faces were stuck in a permanent frown and their expression would darken every time Mat came into view. No one wanted to be on the receiving end of what would come once someone finally snapped. It was the week when the soldiers were on the best behaviour in the history of the Corps, probably. Hanji kept running around and muttering to herself most of the time. Moblit got more exercise out of trying to keep up with her that week than in a whole month back in his trainee days. Erwin rarely left his office and when he did, everyone just got out of the way. The whole Corps was holding its breath._

_One evening the Squad ended up gathering in the room together once again while their patience ran out._

_“They’re fucking kidding! What the hell?!”_

_“They can’t fucking do that! It’s bullshit!”_

_“Who do the fucks think they are?!”_

_Shouting echoed out but no one to go in and check what was happening._

_....._

_Mat walked into Erwin’s office with a sigh and ran his hand through his hair. It’s been a shit week to say the least._

_“Hm?” Erwin snapped out of whatever he was doing and looked up. “Any news?”_

_“I guess,” Mat breathed out and walked over to sit down on the chair in front of Erwin’s desk. “I feel like I have the reports memorized by now. This is ridiculous. For the life of me, I can’t find what it is they have on me,” he shook his head._

_Erwin nodded with a frown. “How is the section doing in the meantime? Any other issues?”_

_“Thankfully not,” Mat shook his head. “It seems everyone’s just getting on with their work.”_

_“Good,” Erwin said, but the frown remained._

_“How about the expedition proposal?” Mat asked._

_“All of the planning is finished and submitted,” Erwin replied. “I just need to make sure we get the funding necessary. The interior doesn’t want to approve it until everything is sorted, but that’s bullshit. We can’t wait that long,” Erwin shook his head and crossed his arms in front of him as he leaned back in his chair._

_“Wouldn’t it be better to push it back for a while though?” Mat barely managed to cover up the hope in his voice._

_“No. We can’t let them do as they please. It would be too much of a set back,” Erwin countered._

_“How about the court then?” Mat sighed and his sight shifted to the ground. “I don’t have much to bring there. I don’t even know what exactly they want to accuse me of. I don’t know what to look for.”_

_“The court is not happening,” Erwin said, narrowing his eyes._

_“What? They called it off?” Mat asked, incredulous._

_“No. But I’m not letting them do this. It’s ridiculous,” Erwin said, his eyebrows furrowing, his mouth tightened into a thin line. “I’ll talk with Zackley. We’re putting an end to this.”_

_“Huh. Just be careful,” Mat sighed._

_Erwin hummed and seemed to be getting lost in his thoughts again._

_“Ness stopped by my office earlier today,” Mat said, his throat tightening._

_“About the gear shipments?” Erwin asked, his eyes widening slightly._

_“Yeah,” Mat nodded. “All of the gears are damaged, he said.”_

_“So someone is trying to sabotage our gear,” Erwin pushed out through clenched jaw. “And they’re being stupid about it too.”_

_“Seems so,” Mat sighed and shook his head._

_“That’s it,” Erwin said, pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. “This is going too far. I’m putting an end to this. Whoever thought they could get away with this went too fucking far.”  
_

_____

Trying to estimate the time in the cell turned out to be virtually impossible. There wasn’t a single window around and nothing seemed to ever change. He couldn’t see the guards switching and only occasionally managed to notice that there was a different person patrolling the corridor. They brought out food to them sometimes, but not in any regular intervals as far as he could tell. So far it was three meals, all as shitty as you’d expect. They didn’t come to talk to him once since they threw him in. The guards seemed to occasionally stop by some of the other prisoners, but never him. The constant screams and shouting interrupted what little sleep he got when he managed to doze off for a bit.

He was certain his mind was playing tricks on him half the time. He couldn’t tell which screams were real and which were only his imaginations, anymore. The cold made him shiver all the time. At one point he realized he forgot what it was like to not be in pain. It made tears run down his cheeks, leaving burning hot tracks behind them.

With nothing to occupy it, his mind went on tangents, trying to figure out why he was there and what was happening. Except he never reached any answers and was left in a perpetual state of frantically trying to come up with a plan, something to do, anything. The only break from all consuming anxiety was when hopelessness overcame him and made everything seem more difficult, even breathing and keeping his eyes open. At times he wished someone would come in. He didn’t even care what they would do. He just wished for something to happen finally, for the chance to ask questions, to see another person. However, he usually saw images from the cell in the Survey Corps afterwards which made him immediately regret his wish. 

After what felt like eternity, he got some relief from the ever-present feeling of something horrible waiting to happen, in the form of dreams. Or hallucinations. He wasn’t quite sure what they were and frankly, he couldn’t be bothered to ponder it. The important part was that he got to relive his memories from the past, and though not always happy, they made him forget the cell, the cold and the dark, even if only for a little while. Though every time they went away his stomach dropped and he was overcome by the feeling of losing something important.

_____

_  
A knock on his office’s door startled Mat. He flinched and splotched the ink on the paper he was working on. Grumbling, he put the paper away._

_“Come in!” he called out._

_“Hi,” Leena said as she opened the door and stepped in. “Do you have a moment?”_

_“Yeah, sure,” Mat nodded. “What is it?” he motioned to the chairs in front of his desk._

_“Nothing important, don’t worry,” she smiled as she closed the door behind her and walked to the desk. “I just wanted to check in on how you were doing. Also, I managed to save some cookies from the bakery and I wanted to bring them in. Maybe they’ll make all this a little better.” She put a plate of cookies that Mat hadn't noticed she was holding, onto the table._

_“Oh, thank you,” he nodded. “ That’s very nice, Leena. I appreciate it.” His sight flickered between her and the cookies and a smile made its way onto his face._

_“No problem,” she waved it off. “I’m glad I could do at least something. How are you doing, with everything that’s been going on?”_

_“Not great,” Mat sighed and his shoulders slumped a little. “It’s a fucking mess with everything going wrong at the same time. And now that Erwin’s in Sina, there’s even more to do.”_

_“That doesn’t sound good at all,” Leena frowned. “So we’re still going on the expedition that’s been in planning?”_

_“Erwin’s adamant on it,” Mat nodded._

_“Great timing, you have to give him that,” she said with sarcasm that could be heard from miles away. “At least there’s still the leave before that. I’d almost forgotten with how busy it is around here now.”_

_“Yeah,” Mat breathed out. “I just hope things will settle down by then. Right now it’s just ridiculous.”_

_“Fingers crossed,” Leena smiled a little before her face dropped. “Are you just working constantly now?”_

_“Pretty much,” Mat shrugged and ran his hand through his hair, grimacing a little._

_“When was the last time you had time off? Even a little while?” she frowned. “And don’t say the night when I came back with the cakes, or I’m gonna scream.”_

_“I don’t think I should answer then,” Mat chuckled. “Wouldn’t want someone to run in thinking more shit has gone down.”_

_“Seriously?” she gaped at him. “What about you and Levi?”_

_“Hm? What about it?” Mat asked, not sure what exactly she was referring to. “We didn’t get much alone time either, since then.”_

_“That’s not- fucking hell Mat,” she breathed out. “Sorry if I’m being too personal or something, but whatever it is you’re doing, that’s not life. And I don’t mean it in that ‘live a little’ funny way. I mean it seriously. This is not living.”_

_“I don’t-” he got cut off before finishing his sentence._

_“No, really Mat,” Leena said, shaking her head. “There are still things worth living for. So many of them. But you’d actually have to get out of here and keep living for fuck’s sake.”  
_

_____

The sound of footsteps brought him out of his thoughts and back into reality for once. It wasn’t happening often at all anymore. He barely glanced to the bars before his sight fell back to the floor in front of him. Probably another meal for which he’ll have to find effort in himself to eat, he thought. He was exhausted.

The metal bars rattled as the soldier slid them open, walked inside and closed them behind him. He stepped in front of Mat and stood there without saying anything, letting his sight roam over him. It took a while for Mat to register how unusual the situation was. Dread built up in his stomach as he slowly looked up, trying to recognize the person in the MP uniform in front of him, realizing he never should have wished for someone to finally come down there. He was better off left alone. His whole body was shaking.

“Would you look at that?” the soldier in front of him sneered. “I don’t even have to do anything, it seems. You’ll ruin yourself just fine.” He paused before tilting their head and tutting with a grin. “Maybe I should thank you. You’re really making my job easier.”

Mat stared at the guard, unable to look away. Everything in him was telling him to run, to get out of the shackles, to do something… but he was just so tired. Even shifting into a more guarded position and dragging his feet towards him took most of his energy. All that he was left with was the jittery sense of doom and cold waves of hopelessness, telling him to give up while he still had the energy to do so.

The guard turned away and took a few slow steps around the cell, drawing out the silence. “I was actually excited to finally meet you- the hero who managed to survive outside the walls by himself.” He shook his head. “You’re a legend. So many people look up to you, think of you as a role model. I might ask for you to sign something later,” he chuckled. “Though I have to say, you’re somewhat underwhelming in person. I thought you at least might be some challenge, finally, but look at you.” He turned back to Mat. The ugly scowl on his face was barely visible in the dark. “Section Commander of Survey Corps- my ass. Pathetic,” he spit out and walked back to Mat, stopping in front of him. He lifted his foot and nudged Mat’s left leg, making him flinch with a gasp and shake even harder than before. 

“I wonder what they would think if they saw you now,” he shook his head. “You look disgusting and you keep whining in fear, I don’t even need to do as much as look at you. Are you going to start crying too?” he drew out. “And they call you brave, courageous. If only they could see you now.”

The idea of pitying looks and disappointment mixed with worry made Mat’s stomach turn. For once he was glad there was nothing in it. With a flinch he turned his head away and scrunched his eyes when he felt the cold wall press against his cheek.

The guard started pacing around the cell, musing to himself. “What do you think would Erwin say if he saw his little toy was this broken? Hm? Or Mike? Would you think he’d be able to look at you like this? Mhmmm, I don’t think so,” he shook his head. “I don’t think even Hanji could pretend to be friends with someone so pathetic, and Walls know she’ll try to befriend any fucking thing, it doesn’t even have to be alive,” he scoffed.

A whimper forced itself out past Mat’s clenched jaw as he shook his head. He managed to keep any other sounds in so far, but that wouldn’t last long it seemed. The shaking made his whole body hurt and the shackles already scratched his wrists so badly, he could feel droplets of blood run between his fingers and drop down on the floor. Whenever he opened his eyes, the room was spinning and from the irregular shadows cast by the lone torch further down the corridor, appeared outlines of faces he hoped would never see him like this. 

“Even better, I’d like to see what Levi would do. Especially after the spectacle he made of himself back in the court. Really entertaining,” he chuckled. “I don’t think I’ve heard anyone scream so many profanities in a row my entire life. And he was creative with them too, for once. Even Zackly was too impressed to stop him.” He paused and scratched his chin in thought. “Do you think he’d be so fun to watch if we brought him in here now?”

Mat flinched, rattling the chains loudly. His eyes were scrunched shut, desperately trying to keep the images out. He dragged in shallow breaths through his teeth. It was hard to keep his thoughts somewhere else no matter how desperately he tried.

“Hm? Is that it?” the guard crooned. “Levi, of all people, bothers you the most?”

Mat kept shaking his head. He scratched the side of his face on the wall behind him a couple times and the occasional tear sliding down now burned and stung. He tried focusing on the sounds of rattling metal instead of the voice, but they weren’t loud enough for once.

“I guess,” he shrugged, keeping his sight trained on Mat. “You know, I think if any of them saw you like this, they’d finally realize just how useless you are and leave you here. They’d finally see everyone is better off without you,” he sighed and resumed his walking.

The silence gave Mat little breathing room, but the expectations of what would come next were even worse. The memory of boots slamming into his stomach made his head snap up and eyes open wide, following the boots clicking against the stone floor. The dread in his stomach wasn’t getting better when he realized there was distance being put between him and the boots. Distance couldn’t stop the words and the images in his mind that came with them.

“I mean,” the guard drew out as he came to a stop near the bars. “It wasn’t actually half bad when you disappeared. Everyone pretended to be very sad for a while, and then things went back to normal. Except you weren’t making any more fucking annoying appearances. Peace and calm. Bliss,” he paused before turning around. “And then you had to ruin it by coming back again. Why couldn’t you just piss off? Stay dead and leave everyone alone?”

Mat’s shoulders dropped as he hunched forward. 

“Frankly, I wouldn’t be too surprised if they decided to just leave you here,” he continued with a shrug. “Even if you somehow managed to get out of here, there’s nowhere for you to go. Literally nowhere. Not even your fucking family would want you if they were alive.”

Mat’s head snapped up again, making the world spin faster than before. His eyes wide open stuck to the guard. His stomach dropped and he could feel the bile slowly creeping its way up. A new wave of coldness washed over him.

“Oh, no one told you?” the guard mocked. “That’s right. While you were out there playing freedom and fucking around, they died. All of them.” He shrugged and then walked back to Mat, crouching down in front of him. Once their faces were at the same height Mat could see the glint in his eyes. “I had a little dig around in the records just for you.”

If time wasn’t stuck before, it certainly felt like it stopped now. 

“Do you want to know what happened?” the guard raised his eyebrows and smirked.

Mat didn’t dare to let out a breath. The shivers and cold sweat were interrupted with hot flashes, making his vision swim.

“Don’t worry. I’ll tell you exactly what happened. It was a little while after you fucked away, when Shiganshina was breached and Wall Maria fell. You knew about that very well, didn’t you?” the guard shook his head. “Your village wasn’t one of the lucky ones to be informed about the breach in advance. Can you imagine the destruction that titans leave behind them when they walk straight through an unprotected village full of civilians?”

He knew very well what a horde of titans could do. He’s seen villages in Wall Maria ruined, nothing but rubble left behind. He could still feel the dread that never left those places afterwards. He always avoided them like a plague.

“Your mom was the only one from your family to be registered as a refugee. You know what that means? Everyone else is still out there somewhere, stomped on, half eaten, buried underneath debris from houses, rotting away. They never stood a chance. Just imagine the sheer terror that they must have felt when they saw the gigantic monsters face to face. Truly tragic.”

He wished he could get the images away. He wished he didn’t know, couldn’t see it. If only he couldn’t see it… Mat gasped as the faces of his family flashed in front of his eyes.

_Survey Corps?! Are you out of your mind?!_

Smashed against the neighbour's house, blood smeared across the stone.

_So much effort went into your training and now you decide to just throw it all away instead of doing something useful with it?!_

Bitten in half, thrown aside onto the road going through the village, unseeing eyes forever turned towards the blue sky.

_You could have made this family proud! How am I supposed to face the neighbours now?! What will I tell them?! That you decided to become a fucking freeloader, throwing your life away in the name of some stupid naïve delusions!_

“No,” Mat choked out. “No. That’s not true. It’s not true.”

The guard just kept talking without so much as a glance back. “And then, the operation to reclaim Wall Maria happened. Surely you must know about that. They were conscripting civilians left and right to send them outside in a shitty attempt to avert a crisis. The goal was to have them retake Wall Maria. It seemed more like population control to me. I mean, no one received proper equipment, weapons or even training. There was no real plan. What were they supposed to do? Ask the titans to kindly leave?”

_I can’t believe you’d do this to me! How could you?! You’re dead to me! You hear that? Dead! So go ahead and throw yourself in front of a titan. I don’t care. You’re not my son anymore. You’re dead to this family!_

Stomped on, left behind as the chain of command broke down and conscripts tried to run, pushing each other to the ground in the chaos. Torn to pieces, blood spilled out onto the grass fields. 

Mat could still remember the patch torn from a conscript’s jacket he once saw lying in the grass, days worth of travel away from Wall Rose.

“No no no...” he kept whispering desperately, somehow trying to persuade himself the guard wasn’t going to say it.

“So, as you can imagine, that didn’t work. And you know who was amongst the conscripts? Your mother. She was volunteered to go back home and face the very thing that killed her whole family. She never returned. I wonder if they ever found someone to give the stupid ribbon to. You know the purple one that the military sends out to relatives? Your mom’s might still be waiting there for you.”

Mat’s stomach turned once more and he leaned forward as much as he could with the little energy he had. However, having eaten nothing in walls-know-how-long, he ended up dry-heaving as tears spilled down his face and horrible sounds echoed through the cell.

“How ironic, that they all died because of the very thing you kept fighting against. Looks like you did a shit job. No wonder they were never proud,” the guard shrugged before standing back up and walking around the cell again.

“That’s not true. It’s not true. That’s not true,” Mat started muttering when his stomach finally settled at least a bit.

Facing away, the guard continued. “Bottom line is, because of you, they’re now dead.”

“Stop! Fucking stop it!” Mat shouted, his whole body shaking, the chains rattling loudly. “What the fuck are you getting out of this?!” At least the guard had to be quiet when Mat was talking.

“What am I getting out of this?” the guard asked, incredulous. “We’re just chatting. I don’t need any answers. The military police know everything there is to know about what you did already. I’m just here to do my job. Though, confession would be nice, now that I think about it,” he hummed.

“Confession? To what? I didn’t- I didn’t do what they say I did,” Mat shook his head, his voice hoarse and wavering.

“You sabotaged the Corps. You conspired with the enemy. You helped with the breaching of the Walls, which constitutes the highest form of treason. Not to mention the countless soldiers and civilians alike that died because of you,” the guard shrugged. “That’s just facts.”

“No,” Mat shook his head. “I didn’t. Those are lies. Blatant lies.” He leaned back against the wall, taking slow measured breaths. At least that was easier when the images weren’t in front of his eyes. Accusations about himself, that he could deal with.

“And just who do you think is going to believe you?” the guard tutted. “Your cute little club of friends in the Survey Corps? They can’t do jack shit about it. And they’ll be dead soon enough.”

The guard took a few more minutes to pace around the cell once again.

“It doesn’t matter what happened and what didn’t,” the guard continued. “What matters is the thing they write down on paper and make everyone believe. That’s what the truth will become.”

The cell grew silent again, apart from the rhythmic thuds of the guard’s pacing. Some breathing room finally, though it felt like the calm before the storm. When a second set of thuds joined them, he thought he was imagining it, until he saw another guard stop by the bars.

“Oi. You’re still there? How’s the progress?” he asked, looking to the guard in the cell.

“Oh, we’re having a jolly time, bonding and shit,” he grinned. “And I’m just getting started.”

"Suit yourself," the guard scoffed and walked away.

Mat let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. One green unicorn was bad enough to deal with. Two would just be too annoying, he thought bitterly. But one thing had to be said, he noted. Anger and adrenaline do wonders for one’s exhaustion and hopelessness.

“Don’t worry. We’ll get plenty of time together,” the guard grinned and resumed his walking around. “The trial will continue in a bit, sure,” he shrugged. “But then you’ll be back here and no one will care if you have all fingers and limbs, and whether you’re in good health before they hang you.”

The certainty in the guards voice made Mat’s stomach drop. He knew that the trial could turn either way. Now the odds weren’t in his favor any more than before. Depending on how far the MPs were willing to go, it could be over for him very soon. 

“As soon as they’ll hear about everything that you’ve done and see the evidence, even the Corps is going to give up on you,” he continued as he walked over to the bars and stood there, gazing out. “I mean, who would want to have you around anyway? Especially after they find out it was your fault the Wall Maria has fallen. And the Trost attack too.”

“What?” Mat breathed out, pressing himself into the wall behind, the cold being the only thing keeping his mind somewhat in reality. “I didn’t-”

“Yes, you did,” the guard nodded without looking back. “You knew all the plans the Survey Corps had. You knew how the Garrison worked. With that crucial knowledge, you helped the enemy strike at the right time. You were even seen during the battle of Trost. You can’t lie your way out of this one.”

“That’s not true,” Mat shook his head. “I wasn’t there. Who’s seen me?! They couldn’t! I wasn’t there!”

“Oh please,” the guard scoffed. “Save this performance for the trial. Though I doubt it will help you there either. Do you know how many people died in those attacks? Old, young, children… it didn’t matter. Whole cities wiped out in a matter of minutes, everything gone just like that. All those people disappeared with just a snap of your fingers.”

The shivers and cold sweat returned. “No, you’re lying. I had nothing to do with it,” Mat whispered.

“It wasn’t just Shiganshina and Trost, oh no,” the guard just continued. “So many towns and villages in Wall Maria received no warning in time. Imagine how those people had to feel, seeing a titan for the first time and realizing there was nothing they could do and nobody was going to save them. Just imagine. All of that terror and it was your fault.”

“No.” Mat kept shaking his head, his neck screaming in pain. All the movement made the shackles bite into his wrists even more. “No. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t do it. No. No.” He kept repeating like a mantra, trying to keep his mind from spiraling too far.

“But that’s not all. What do you think happened when all those refugees poured into Wall Rose? Families separated. Starvation and illnesses. Children were forced to work in the fields. There was no way to sustain all that population. And then the absurd reclamation mission,” the guard shook his head as he continued his speech. “All those deaths and suffering. Why did you do it?”

“I didn’t!” Mat shouted as tremors racked over his body. None of the air he breathed in felt like it reached his lungs. The walls of the cell were collapsing on him. 

The guard turned around and started slowly walking towards him. “And I haven’t even mentioned all your comrades that died because of you. How could you do it? How could you give out orders that you knew would get them killed?

The shadow cast by the guard fell on Mat. Everything looked even darker. “I didn’t!” he shouted desperately, pulling at the shackles and clenching his fists as more droplets of blood ran down his fingers and his nails bit into his palms. “I’d never do that! I didn’t want them to die! The orders should have saved them!”

The guard stopped in front of Mat and crouched down. “Did you not feel sorry at all?” His voice was stone cold. “No remorse? How can you be so heartless?”

“I had nothing to do with it,” Mat forced out between gasps for air. The ringing in his ears was coming back. The shouts and screams wouldn’t be too far behind. The faint metallic taste mixed with the saltiness of sweat and tears. He felt like he was drowning.

“You know, just between the two of us,” the guard lowered his voice and leaned in. “I wonder,” he paused for a moment, his eyes trailing over Mat’s face, the corners of his mouth quirking up. “Did you plan to do it to them too? Erwin, Mike and Hanji? Levi? Did you plan to kill them too?”

“No! I didn’t!” Mat screamed. “No one! I’d never-” he gasped out, shaking.

“What was the plan?” the guard continued, leaning to whisper in Mat’s ear. “Another unfortunate gear malfunction? Or maybe during one of the expeditions? How would you get rid of them?”

“No!” Mat shook his head, his eyes unable to focus on anything, the guard became only an outline in the shadows. “No! I didn’t!” Every movement hurt. There wasn’t enough air and it tasted of blood. The metal rattled and the sounds mixed in with the shouts and screams of death. “I would never-” he sobbed out slumping against the wall, his eyes scrunched.

At some point, in the midst of all the other noises he heard the bars on his cell rattle. There was a faint thought in the back of his mind telling him the guard must have left, but it somehow didn’t really register. His whole body kept shaking. Flashes of pain spread through his leg, his chest, his head and he could only gasp his way through. The noises wouldn’t stop. The images wouldn't go away. It was cold.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :D  
> I'm finally back with a new update.  
> Let me know what you think, all feedback is appreciated :D
> 
> see you later :)

The cold seemed to seep into his bones and settle there permanently. He also wished his eyes would stop the funny business of adjusting to the dark. Being able to see the fucking cell didn’t make any of this better. Somewhere along the line, after one of the guard’s visits, Mat decided time wasn’t relevant anymore. Any contact he had with the guard or the MPs standing outside his cell happened at random times. The people in the other cells weren’t better off either. Screams and rattles echoed in irregular intervals and when they stopped the quiet was constantly interrupted by chains shaking and clinking. Someone kept talking most of the time. It was probably him. Definitely him. Whatever, little muttering has never hurt anyone. 

His body settled into a slumped position that hurt, but when he moved it certainly hurt more. All sorts of dirt, grime, sweat and who-knows what else stuck to his skin. If he’d have enough energy to feel anything else than resignation it would disgust him on a whole new level.

_He walked through the HQ, pleasantly surprised with how decent was the sleeping schedule of the rest of the corps. It wasn’t even that late, yet the halls were almost empty. He passed a few soldiers here and there, but altogether way fewer people than he’d expect. It was nice to get a little while of quiet from time to time._

“Everyone one of them is gone, dead, rotting out there, half eaten, half stomped into the ground, because of you,” the voice of the guard rang out in his ears.

_The dining hall was empty as well. Mat beelined it into the kitchen, habit taking over as he filled the teapot and set it onto the stove. His thoughts drifted all over the place while he waited for the telltale bubbling of boiling water. His sight trailed over the cupboards as he poured the water into his cup. He remembered drinking with Hanji one evening and being too tired after to clean up, so the half-empty bottle got hidden away into one of the cabinets. Curiosity took over and he decided to have a look around if he could still find it._

“Who would have thought our little hero would end up like this,” the tutting of the guard was a constant background noise for a while now. “You look awful. It’s good no one is coming to get you, they’d probably change their minds once they saw you.

The shadows in the cell shifted around and a scream drifted in from somewhere far away as the kitchen faded from his eyes. The stale, thick air made him choke up. He desperately breathed in again and again, trying to remember the smell of a freshly made tea, but the only thing there was the cell. 

“When are you finally going to admit to everything you did?” the guard exclaimed. The relative silence was separated into heavy chunks of nothingness by stomps of military issued boots. “To think that you had everyone wrapped around your finger. And then you go and betray all of them.” The stomping got slower as the voice moved around the cell. “How can you live with yourself? Knowing that all of that was your fault? How could you just come back again after all the pain that you caused?”

_The bottle was still there. It surprised him. They’d forgotten about it for a while and then he just assumed someone had finished it already. Looking at it now, he couldn’t help but think one glass wouldn’t harm anyone. He reached into the cabinet to take out the bottle and an empty glass. He poured a generous shot in and returned the bottle back. One more shot wouldn’t cause any harm. He downed it as he returned back to his tea and took out the strainer. On his way out of the kitchen he glanced back at the cabinet. One more shot couldn’t cause any harm._

“Once they learn about all of what you did, no one in their right mind would let you out alive,” the voice rang out once again with the same old story. Your fault, yada yada, pain, suffering, deaths, betrayal, yada yada yada. “You’ll spend the rest of your days rotting down here. Oh no, execution would be going too easy on you. No, instead we’ll just keep you here and maybe parade you around as a cautionary tale every once and then.”

Mat tried to shift his head to the direction of the voice, but it was moving around too fast and he couldn’t quite tell if there was an angle that his head could still turn without a new wave of pain drumming in his ears. With a grunt he opted for the downwards direction. 

“You’ve said all of that before. Do you have nothing better to chatter about?” he rasped out.

The guard huffed. “It doesn’t seem like any of it is sinking in though,” he paused. “You seem way too content, sitting there with your blame. Does it not bother you at all?”

“It wasn’t on purpose,” Mat breathed out once the words echoing in the cell got too heavy.

“Lies,” the guard burst out before continuing his monologue, the sound fading into the background once again. 

___

The shadows kept shifting around the dark cell and creating patterns vaguely resembling something he probably should have been able to recognize. Sometimes they spoke, sometimes they were silent for hours on end. He wasn’t sure which he preferred. The voices of people he should have known were making it harder to ever close his eyes and doze off. The voices recounting all his mistakes and flaws made his head spin. The rare voices telling him to keep going were slowly but surely falling on deaf ears.

“You know, they’ve given up on you once again.”

This one was persistent. It kept coming and going as it pleased, roaming around too fast to pin down its location. At least the other ones haven't been moving so much.

“I’m not really surprised, but it didn’t take long at all. The case is going to be dropped soon. They have nothing to build their counter case on.”

It kept talking about some court, evidence and accusations. Mat wished the judges would finally make up their decision on whatever the matter was because this was getting repetitive very fast.

“This is it, you know,” the voice spoke up again from a different direction. Mat made a feeble attempt to turn around and keep up with it, though he wasn’t quite sure why.

The voice chuckled. “You’re going to be stuck here for a long ass time. So better start enjoying it.”

___

“I’m so sorry Mat.” 

The words rang out in his ears. He hasn’t heard the name in so long. Maybe it belonged to someone else in the first place, but now it echoed in his mind. 

“I wish there was a way to help you. I really do.” He sighed. “I’m afraid there’s not much I can do like this except keep nagging you to hold out, just a little longer.”

Mat didn’t want to hold out anymore. What for. If any of what he heard so often was true then maybe there wasn’t a good reason anymore. Maybe this was for the better.

“I know it’s not fair to ask,” he continued, forcing semblance of consciousness on Mat, making his thoughts swirl around. “It’s a lot, and after everything that has happened we’re still asking you for more, but please, please, just hold on for a little longer. It gets better, I promise.”

Mat felt cold tears stream down his cheeks. It’s been so long since he could distinguish a single sensation like this and he focused on it with everything he had. 

“Just don’t forget us, Mat.” 

___

“As much as it brings me joy to name out all the horrible things that you did and shove them in your face,” the voice started once again, circling around. “I actually found something more interesting to talk about this time.” 

It was hard to keep up with it. The cold has faded, the dark has faded at some point, the shapes flowing in and out of his vision slowed down. They were probably lazy. 

“I’m pretty certain you couldn’t have done all of that alone. I mean, seeing you now, there’s no way you’d have the resolve and strength necessary to go through with all those horrible crimes without accomplices. So I want to hear all about them. Who’s helped you?”

Helped him? Accomplices? This was getting complicated. Were there supposed to be other people around here with him?

“It must have been people from the Corps, you rarely had contact with anyone else. And don’t think you can protect them by not speaking. We’ll find out and make it even worse for everyone involved.”

Corps? That seemed so far away. Maybe it was all a dream. 

“Such a shame that you took out the Special Operations Squad,” the voice tutted. “I bet we could get something out of them.”

Blood. So much of it. Everywhere. And the creams piercing through. They echoed out through the silence long after they should have stopped. He could see it all once again. As if no time had passed, he was right back, with all the despair and hopelessness. He could feel a sound rip its way through his throat.

“I bet we could get something out of that one, what was her name? Leena? Something like that?”

_His sight snapped to the person calling out his name and caught on the familiar bright orange messy hair. Wide eyes met each other for a brief second._

“No,” a raspy gasp came out, the word barely distinguishable.

“No?” the voice chuckled. “Then maybe you’d want to tell us all about it, so we don’t have to lock her up too.”

An image flashed in front of his eyes. Bright orange hair contrasting with the dark bricks in the wall, clothes torn and smudged with red, narrowed eyes glaring back in defiance. 

A new kind of powerless seeped into his bones and despite everything he managed to shake his head slightly.

“Hm, what about blondie? He probably wasn’t in on it, but then, ruling him out if he was would be a terrible mistake. We need to be sure. I’d also gladly volunteer to take care of that one, it would be fun to see the Commander shaking in a rat hole.”

Erwin tied up and in shackles just seemed plain wrong.

“Or maybe it’d be better to just execute him on the spot, why not. It would send out the right kind of message.”

Erwin stood in his office with an easy smile on his lips. He looked so much younger. In a blink a rope appeared on his neck, tightening, while the office disappeared, leaving behind empty eyes staring back.

The flinch that sent Mat against the wall behind him was probably the most significant reaction in a long time.

“I see,” the voice chuckled. “So you’re one of those stupid ones. I suppose I should have known sooner.” A face belonging to the voice flashed in Mat’s mind for a moment before disappearing again.

“Well then, who else could have been in on it?” The voice continued. “The weird sniffy guy. You were all buddy buddy together, I bet he at least knew something was up.”

Mat turned his head towards the voice again. Instead, his bleary sight landed on Mike, tied in shackles next to him, shivering and coughing up blood. Once the accusing glare met Mat, he was left chanting out apologies until the image faded. Or at least what could have been apologies if the words came out distinguishable.

“Then there was the crazy titan-obsessed maniac. I have to admit, I don’t think I would want to spend this much time near her. What if the crazy is contagious.” More scoffing and tutting. “Though taking her apart could be fun for some of the people I know.”

Someone cried out. And maybe shouted too. It was hard to say with the noises roaring in Mat’s ears. 

“Anyway, I almost can’t wait until we finally get our hands on the group. The military will be better off without the Scouts and we’ll get the chance to find out all the dirty secrets you lot are hiding. It’s not like anyone would miss you.”

The familiar square glasses with brown straps fell on the ground, shattering into smithereens. Droplets of blood followed, staining the leather red. 

“So are you ready to admit to your crimes yet? After hearing all of that? You know we won’t spare anyone and you know exactly how far we’re willing to go. This is your time to use your stupid her-complex and help them. Tell us everything and we might just leave them be.”

“I didn’t…” Mat quivered and coughed, not sure how the sentence would finish even if he could push it out.

“You’re going to be convicted anyway,” the voice scoffed. “There’s nothing else you can do now but decide if you’ll drag them with you or not.”

“No...” The sound was quiet, barely even there.

“Hm, did I forget something? Is the idea of everyone you knew, dying after endless torture not enough? I suppose we could make you watch,” the voice drew out, smirk audible in the tone.

“... sto-stop.”

“Don’t think I will, no. At least until you admit to everything. I might be satisfied with that.”

A deafening type of silence took over. In between a few slow blinks Mat caught sight of the dark floor beneath him. It felt familiar. He almost felt relieved, thinking he’d get a bit of a break finally.

“Oh, I know,” the voice was back. “There’s still Levi.”

Mat felt shivers run down his spine.

“I don’t suppose he knows much. It doesn’t seem likely. But then, you never know. And either way, I’d really enjoy watching that midget get his sour face beaten in.”

“...no.”

The sound of shackles made the voice pause and huff in surprise. “Is that it? The midget?”

“You can’t…” the words were quiet but finally clear. Mat’s head rolled around slowly, his eyes blinking open and closed between raspy gasps.

“Could it be that this midget is somehow more important than the rest of them?” The voice chuckled. “What if we brought him in here even sooner, then? Maybe have a little heart wrenching union?”

“...don’t,” Mat didn’t know where the words were coming from or how he found the strength to force them out. “... don’t touch him.” They wouldn’t change anything, he knew. And yet…

“Oh, I can do to him whatever I wish, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Now I really want to bring him in just to watch.”

The sound made bile rise in Mat’s stomach.

“What even is this? What is there about him?”

“... you can’t,”

“You really think you could protect him? Oh this is so sweet, I think my heart might not be able to handle it. You’re something out of a romance novel, truly.”

The darkness kept shifting. Even now that Mat tried to focus on something, make the shadows spin less, keep up with the voice, it was all too difficult. He couldn’t stop though. He couldn’t do much, but he couldn’t stop.

_______

The torches in the corridor with the cells flickered as a group of four guards walked past. Ignoring any other inmates, they headed straight for a cell towards the back of the corridor. One of them stepped to the front and took out his keys, to unlock the bars. With heavy scowls they stepped in one by one, rattling the bars.

Chained to the wall, slumped on the ground was Mat, a sight for sorry eyes. He was barely responsive and even then it was hard to say what he was responding to. Even the best of sweet talkers would be hard pressed to apply the definition of consciousness.

With a sigh, the guards surrounded him. They pushed him around to unlock the chains and heaved him up. Any protests were too feeble to really matter. Carrying him would be much easier though if he was able to at least stand on his own. They shuffled out of the cell, leaving it open. One of them led the group, walking in the front of the two guards dragging Mat down the corridor. The fourth one walked behind with a rifle ready, more for the show than anything else.

_____

The ground beneath him shifted and turned, the world around him spun around. His vision swirled in and out of focus, blacking out and coming back in. The darkness got interrupted with flashes of light in between, causing a headache. The unexpected movement made his stomach turn and he’d most likely leave its contents behind if there were any. His back, shoulders, neck, legs and just about anything else he could feel protested against this new position that was very much not slumped.

Gradually, the noises around him were changing and growing louder. He was definitely not ready for the bright light that surrounded him. New waves of pain surged through his head while the general chatter rang out in his ears.

After some more banging, rattling and stomping he sagged to the ground as the arms holding him up disappeared. They shifted him around, forcing his arms back, and he could feel cold metal keeping them rigidly in place once again. 

_____

The door of the main courtroom opened and the chatter died down as the crowd in the stands turned around almost at once. Sharp gasps echoed through the stands reserved for the general public and the military personnel alike. Some heads turned away while most people shifted uncomfortably in their spots.

The doors to the courtroom were closed shut as armed guards stood on either side of them. The guards walked through the corridor towards the center of the room, dragging Mat with them. Wide eyed stares followed them the whole time. Once they let Mat drop in front of the judges and began to lock his arms in shackles secured to a pole behind him, murmurs of disapproval started spreading around. Hateful glares appeared all through the stands reserved for the Survey Corps.

“I do not recall,” Zackly spoke from the judge’s seat, drawing all attention to him, “there being a reason to subject the suspect to torture.” He glared down at the guards.

“Sir, no physical harm was inflicted,” one of the guards saluted. “Our cells are not meant to be comfortable. Some inmates find it hard to deal with.”

Once all of the shackles were in place, the guards saluted and after a wave of Zackly’s hand left for the stands.

Zackly sighed and fixed his sight on Mat. “Let’s begin, then. This tribunal will be held under military law. The final decision will be made by me, General of the Three Military Branches, in its entirety. Any objections?”  
_____


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? an update??? that is NOT a month late?! Do I hear the echoes of a regular schedule???   
> Anyway, hi there :D Here goes another chapter, which didn't take a month to finish. Also, these few chapters have been dry as fuck when it comes to action, but don’t worry, we’ll switch it up a bit in the next one :DDD (no promises though, my outline is a mess, I have no idea what I'm doing)
> 
> As usual, any feedback is appreciated, I'd love to hear your thoughts :)
> 
> A huge thank you to everyone commenting on the previous chapters, it really means a lot :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy the read and see you next time :) (in a week? maybe?? :O )

Zackly sighed and fixed his sight on Mat. “Let’s begin, then.”

The courtroom settled and all hushed conversations died down.

Zackly continued, “Given the weight of the accusations and the nature of the situation, this tribunal will be held under military law. The final decision will be made by me, General of the Three Military Branches, in its entirety, after reviewing the evidence and hearing all statements. Any objections?” His sight flickered between the commanding officers of the Survey Corps and Mattias.

“Sir, if I may,” Erwin spoke from the stands. The commanding officers of the Survey Corps stood next to him, tense.

“Go ahead,” Zackly gestured to him.

“I believe there’s sufficient evidence that Section Commander Kenett is not in a condition suitable for trial,” he frowned. “If it comes to it, he may not be able to deliver any statements, respond to questions or make decisions.”

“I agree,” Zackly spoke before Erwin could continue. “However, nothing would change if you’d ask to postpone the trial. Section Commander Kenett’s report will serve as a statement. You may dedicate a representative responsible for answering any questions or making decisions on his behalf, if you wish.”

“Well then,” Erwin sighed. He glanced around the stands and his sight lingered on Levi for a moment before returning to Zackly. “On behalf of the Survey Corps, I, Commander Erwin Smith, appoint Section Commander Hanji Zoe.”

Hanji’s sight snapped to Erwin’s back. Mike put his arm on Levi’s shoulder before he could say anything. 

“Section Commander Hanji Zoe,” Zackly said, almost raising his voice in question before his sight shifted to her. “Do you accept the position?”

Hanji cast a glance to Levi who gave her a small nod before turning his sight to Mat. 

“Yes, sir,” Hanji saluted. 

“Do you swear to say any and all truth,” Zackly continued, “and make decisions with the best intent for the one you represent, adhering to his requests and wishes to the best of your abilities?”

“Yes, sir,” Hanji said. “I swear.”

“Very well then,” Zackly said as he brought out one of his papers and marked something down. “The court accepts you as the designated representative, responsible for making declarations and decisions on behalf of Section Commander Mattias Kenett in the matters of court and for the duration of this trial.”

“Before we begin, let me ask you a question aside from the proceedings,” Zackly frowned. “I hope you excuse me if it’s improper or insensitive, however due to the circumstances I feel I must. Considering his wishes might have changed from what they’ve been years ago, are you confident in your ability to make decisions that would reflect his now?”

“Sir, if I may,” Hanji said, her stance rigid but easing the salute. “I’ve known Mattias for the most part of my life and I’ve spent a considerable amount of time with him recently too. I might not know perfectly everything there is to know, but I’m confident that I know the type of person he is and the things he’d consider important. If there is someone to represent him, I’m one of the very few that might be capable of doing so.”

“I understand,” Zackly nodded. “Don’t take this as doubts or anything of that sorts.” He turned from the stands towards Mat, keeping his face blank. “Captain Mattias Kenett, Section Commander of the Survey Corps, Leader of the Special Operations Squad, sworn to sacrifice your life for the benefit of humanity.”

The only response from Mat was some hardly identifiable groaning and a shift which could be considered a nod, but could also just be his spine giving up on doing its job.

“Considering the situation and the accusations made by the Military Police,” Zackly sighed, “this trial will aim to ensure the integrity of the military and to uphold the duty the military has towards the general public. The decision I will make today regards your any and all involvement with the military in the future and any repercussions for your past actions.”

“Firstly,” Zackly continued, shuffling through his papers. "The Military Police will present their case.” He nodded towards Nile.

“I, Nile Dok, the Commander of the Military Police,” Nile made a slight step forward, glancing to read out from his papers, “on behalf of the Military Police hereby accuse Mattias Kenett of multiple sabotages of the Survey Corps, betrayal of the cause and desertion, conspiring with the enemy in an attempted treason and actions which consequences directly lead to the deaths of countless soldiers and civilians.”

“The Military Police asks the court to renounce Kenett’s rank and position within the Survey Corps. Considering his crimes and his connections to the enemy, the only acceptable course of action is immediate execution. We believe the safety of our citizens should be of the utmost importance and anyone compromising it should be punished accordingly.” 

No one in the courtroom dared to even breathe loudly. No one moved. The wood that the stands were made off stopped creaking. Zackly sat in his place, sight frozen on Nile. Hanji was staring down at the floor, frowning. Erwin’s eye twitched before he settled back into a neutral face. Levi was shaking in place, fists clenched.

“According to the investigation of the Military Police,” Nile continued as small drops of sweat appeared on his forehead, “the attempt can be traced back to the 25th Expedition Beyond the Walls, if not earlier. Under the excuse of unfavourable weather, Mattias Kenett sent out reinforcements to the outside of the formation, leaving the supply teams in danger should the formation be breached. Somehow then, the whole rear of the formation failed to notice an aberrant titan, until it ruined a significant portion of the supplies and cost the Survey Corps many skilled soldiers.” Nile paused and glanced at the civilians.

“This was the first of a series of purposeful sabotages of the Survey Corps, organized by Kenett,” he declared and the corners of his lips quirked up for a moment when a few gasps sounded around the courtroom. “He then avoided a court hearing in this matter. After the 26th Expedition, Kenett continued with the sabotages. He damaged five shipments of ODM gears before they were distributed to the soldiers of his section. Later he put in a request to withdraw all newly issued gears at the time, however not until a significant portion of soldiers was injured, including one of the key members of the Special Operations Squad.”

“After all those losses, the Corps was weakened when departing for the 27th Expedition Beyond the Walls, which allowed Kenett to cause major disruptions within the formation, with more resources and lives being wasted, and depart from the formation with the Special Operations Squad. Unfortunately, it is unclear how he got rid of them, however it is safe to presume they haven’t survived. He betrayed and deserted the cause.”

“After the 27th he met up with the enemy and aided the attack on Shiganshina. He knew the plans of the Survey Corps. He had crucial knowledge that was necessary to plan the attack and then later the attack on Trost. As we all know, it’s impossible to survive outside the walls without the powers of shifters, and what other reason would Kenett have to not attempt to return?” Nile said and closed the file with his papers. He stepped back, glancing around the courtroom.

“You present quite an extensive case,” Zackly said with a frown as he turned around. “What’s the position of the Survey Corps on this?”

“Bullshit lies,” Levi muttered under his breath, glaring holes into Nile. After a sharp glance from Mike he turned his sight to the floor and crossed his arms in front of him.

“The Survey Corps declares these accusations false on all accounts,” Erwin proclaimed. “During Section Commander Kennett’s active duty he gave no reasons to doubt his intentions or dedication to the cause. We are presented with a complicated situation, however we have every reason to believe Section Commander Kenett acted with the intent to benefit the Survey Corps and though forced to make difficult decisions, he honoured the values of the Survey Corps in his choices.”

The courtroom erupted in hushed whispers, the citizens in the stands shifting around. Everyone paused as Mat shifted around in his spot. The hope was short lived though as he didn’t seem any more present than before.

“What actions does the Survey Corps propose in this matter?” Zackly raised his voice, glancing at the stands.

“The proposal of the Survey Corps is,” Erwin said, his voice stern, “to end the indefinite suspension of Section Commander Kenett, granting him his rank and position and relieving him of a part of the associated duties for a period of convalescence. Considering the recent treatment he was subjected to despite all his contributions, we believe he should be granted the time to properly recover after which the Survey Corps intends to offer him the option of returning to active duty. He’s an invaluable asset to the Survey Corps, both in terms of experience and abilities. We would like to conduct a further investigation of the aftermath of the 27th Expedition as there hasn’t been a chance to do so yet. Consequences will be determined according to our internal processes, as they would under usual circumstances.” 

Murmurs of disagreement rose from the crowd of civilians, getting louder with every minute. 

Zackly nodded and turned his attention to Hanji. “Section Commander Hanji Zoe, even as a designated representative, you’re not allowed to plead on his behalf. However, the court usually takes such statements into consideration. Do you believe Mattias Kenett would plead guilty to said accusations?”

“No. I don’t, sir,” Hanji stated, shaking her head. Her hands were clenched by her sides.

“Very well,” Zackly nodded and made a note into his papers. 

“Sir, if I may,” Hanji said and paused, waiting for the permission to speak. Zackly glanced back at her in surprise but after a moment’s consideration nodded his head.

“6 years ago, Survey Corps lost one of the best soldiers we ever had, incredibly skilled both in close range combat and ODM gear use, a great strategist, and as many will attest, an amazing teacher with ruthless training plans,” Hanji said, looking around the courtroom before her sight settled on Mat. “He did so much for the Corps, and cared for the soldiers as his own family. The Corps wouldn’t be where it is today without all his hard work and dedication. But apart from that, we all lost a very dear friend, to some of us a family member, who we cared deeply for. It is hard to even imagine any of this being true.” 

“You’re defending a murderer!” A shout echoed from the stands before Zackly could continue. A few people nodded in agreement. Mike kept a strong hold on Levi’s shoulder. Almost all Survey Corps members in the stands stiffened, glaring into the crowd. 

“I’d appreciate it if we kept this civilized,” Zackly sighed. “If anyone is unable to do so, the door is right behind you.” He paused for a moment, and turned to Hanji. “Thank you,” he nodded before glancing into his papers. “Now, firstly regarding the 25th Expedition. The matter was resolved previously. Based on the reports and statements of qualified personnel, court hearing was deemed unnecessary. We’ll revisit the issue only briefly. Commander Smith, does the Corps wish to defend their position?”

“Yes sir,” Erwin said. “Here are all relevant reports, describing the events as they transpired.” He nodded to a soldier in the corner of the stands who saluted and walked to Zackly, handed him a set of documents and then returned to the stands. 

“Thank you,” Zackly nodded. He searched the stands until his sight settled. “Section Commander Dita Ness, I’d like you to answer a few questions.”

Ness saluted from his spot in the line of high ranking officers in the stands. “Yes, sir.” 

“As a member of the Survey Corps with sufficiently high rank and the least personal affiliations to Section Commander Kenett, I want you to consider the situation,” Zackly said. “Given the circumstances, would you have made the same or similar decisions?” Glancing into the papers and reading out details, he continued. “According to the reports the communication was hindered by thick rain and fog with very few signals getting through. Would sending out almost all reinforcements towards the spotters of the formation would be an error of judgement?”

“Sir, the few signals that were getting through were calls for reinforcements and titan sightings,” Ness said, his expression sharpening. “Both sides of the formation needed reinforcements to keep the formation from falling apart. An error of judgement would be to not send them out. How many should have stayed in position guarding the center and supplies is very difficult to say retroactively, but I wouldn’t have done anything substantially different. Sir if I may, some of my own squads received help they desperately needed.”

“One of the consequences,” an officer from the Military Police standing next to Nile jumped in, “was an overlooked abnormal titan. How exactly do you not notice a titan, if I may ask?”

“With all due respect,” Ness scoffed and turned towards him, “spotting a titan in heavy rain and fog and distinguishing it from surroundings is not easy, especially if it is one of a smaller class, much less if it moves or behaves in an unpredictable way. It came from a direction we wouldn’t expect it to and didn’t pay attention to the outer soldiers if I remember correctly. That’s exactly how titan goes unnoticed and it wouldn’t be the first time this has happened.”

“Thank you,” Zackly said and shot a glare towards the Military Police. “That was all I wanted to ask.” 

“Yes, sir.” Ness saluted and stepped back while the higher ranking MP officers talked among themselves in hushed voices.

“Regarding the gear shipments sabotage,” Zackly continued, “the issue was reported by the Survey Corps upon discovery, and no one was identified as responsible at the time. Commander Dok, could you present the witness statement you provided as evidence?”

“Yes, sir” Nile stepped forward. “The standard quality evaluation was done before the shipments were sent out. The Military Police questioned the worker responsible for the evaluation. They gave a remote testimony which is provided, attesting that the evaluation was done correctly and the shipments were sent out undamaged.”

“The evaluation is dated three days before the shipments were sent out,” Zackly said as he compared the documents.

“Lying bastards!” Someone shouted from the crowd. Zackly’s eyebrow twitched.

“It isn’t unusual for orders to be delayed,” Nile said with a shrug. “The crates were sealed after the evaluation. If the gears were damaged when they arrived, they shouldn’t have been distributed at all and the issue should have been addressed earlier.”

Zackly nodded with a frown. “So there is a possibility for the shipments to be damaged after the evaluation. Also, you stated he was responsible for the damage of 5 shipments, however in the report only 3 shipments were found compromised.” Zackly paused. “A former member of the Special Operations Squad, Lieutenant Leena May agreed to testify in this regard. Step forth please.” 

A woman dressed in a plain long dress stepped out of the stands and walked towards the middle of the room. Her bright orange hair was tied in a simple braid with a black ribbon. Her eyes darted around the courtroom, between the Survey Corps and Mat. A frown settled on her face. She stopped in front of the fence separating the center of the room from the stands and saluted. She dragged her sight away from slumped Mat.

“Yes, sir,” she said before lowering the salute.

“Lieutenant May,” Zackly nodded. “You’ve been injured during training due to one of the damaged gears malfunctioning, is that correct?” He tapped the papers quietly and looked up.

“Yes, sir,” she responded. “It was a gear from the three compromised shipments. The failure perfectly matched the other cases.” 

“Was anyone else on the Special Operations Squad injured due to these gears?” Zackly said, briefly glancing into his papers and back.

“No, sir,” Leena shook her head and pushed a few loose strands of her hair out of her face.

“Would it be possible to notice the damage before use?” Zackly asked.

“No sir,” Leena sighed. “The gear appeared perfectly fine under standard routine inspections which each member of the Survey Corps did at the time. This was a very rare malfunction under normal circumstances.” 

Someone from the Military Police stands scoffed, receiving plenty of sharp looks in return.

“I see,” Zackly hummed. “You’ve been directly under Section Commander Kenett’s command at the time. Do you think he disregarded the issue, or acted upon any suspicions too late?”

“No sir,” Leena said firmly, shaking her head. “In the time preceding the official report, Captain Kenett spent most of his time reviewing every individual case and trying to distinguish standard gear failures from any suspicious. He wasn’t one to jump to conclusions but as you can see from the report, the gears were pulled from training as soon as there was minimal sufficient evidence. He delegated most of his other responsibilities at the time to deal with the case. He spent the little free time he had visiting the injured soldiers.”

“Thank you.” Zackly nodded to Leena as she saluted again and walked back. “Section Commander Zoe,” he said as he turned towards the Survey Corps. “Is there anything you know off that Section Commander Kenett would want to add?”

“I think what could be said, was said.” Hanji glanced at Leena before continuing. “He took the issue seriously from the very beginning and did all he could to try to solve it. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find the person responsible for it before the 27th Expedition.”

She glanced at Mat who was frozen in his slumped position, staring ahead with half opened eyes. It would be hard to say how much he was perceiving and could understand. Hanji sighed quietly. At least it didn’t seem he had any other serious injuries than before. Though the shallow breathing couldn’t be taken as much of a good sign.

“And no one was convicted afterwards,” Zackly said. “Well then. Let’s continue with the rest of the accusations. Commander Smith, is there any reason to believe Section Commander Kenett had contact with anyone that could be responsible for the attack on Shiganshina?”

“I don’t think so,” Erwin shook his head. “There were no signs of any strange behaviour on his part. No one has infiltrated the Survey Corps and frankly, he didn’t have enough time to go meet with anyone too far away regularly.”

“Commander Dok, the reason you provide is insider knowledge displayed by the attackers. What exactly do you mean by that?” Zackly turned to the other side of the courtroom. 

“Both of the attacks were too well times with the Survey Corps’ departures on Expeditions. The attackers also knew which was the weak point to focus on,” Nile stated, crossing his arms in front of him.

“The location of the Survey Corps was publicly accessible information at the time. Also the location of the gates and their potential weakness in comparison to the rest of the Walls is pretty noticeable. None of this is insider knowledge. They haven’t shown any awareness of strategies or formations used by the Survey Corps or any other branch of the Military,” Erwin named out with a deadpan face.

“Kenett was spotted during the attack on Trost by one of the Military Police Officers,” Nile smirked and motioned with his hand to someone behind him. The soldier stepped forward.

“Sir,” he saluted as Zackly’s eyebrows almost merged with his hairline.

“Oh? And why wasn’t this reported earlier?” Zackly asked, crossing his arms in front of him.  
“I wasn’t exactly sure,” the soldier spoke, his voice wavering. “I didn’t think it was possible at the time. But thinking back, I’m certain I saw someone in the city that resembled Kenett, sir.”

“Section Commander Zoe, are you aware of anything regarding this statement?” Zackly asked, keeping his sight in the quivering soldier.

“To the best of my knowledge,” Hanji said, glaring, “Mattias Kenett wasn’t there. Based on all our recent conversations, he spent the time beyond the walls and didn’t return at all.”

“Commander Smith, is there any evidence supporting this?” Zackly continued.

“Our soldiers have reported sightings that were later identified as Section Commander Kenett on an expedition at the time of the attack on Trost,” Erwin said. “These reports were written down immediately after the expedition, long before anyone knew their significance. He couldn’t have been in both places at the same time. Furthermore I’d like to add as evidence all the other reports containing sightings of him helping out during expeditions.” He nodded towards the corner of the stands and one of the Survey Corps soldiers walked to Zackly, handing over a stack of reports. 

“So the betrayal is only a speculation,” Zackly noted as he took the reports, briefly listing through them.

“It’s all too precise to be an accident!” A shout came from the stands, followed by a few more. A couple civilians stood up, throwing their arms out and calling out over each other.

“This is what we get for not relying on the walls!” A man in a grey priest robe shouted. 

“Get rid of him!” A group in the back started chanting.

“What if he formed connections to the enemy while living outside?! How else could he have survived?!” The first one shouted again. 

“We can’t let someone from out there live here much less have a military standing!” More voices were joining in.

“Quiet!” Zackly’s voice rang out through the courtroom. He slammed his hands on the stands, glaring towards the crowd. The shouting died down once again. 

Clinking of shackles echoed out in the silence as small tremors ran through Mat, but otherwise there was no visible change. 

Zackly sighed. “Section Commander Zoe, read out Section Commander’s statement regarding the 27th Expedition Beyond the Walls.”

“Yes, sir,” Hanji said quietly and nodded. Moblit passed her the report from behind her. 

__________

_Year 844 (850)  
27th Scouting Expedition Beyond the Walls  
Reporting: Section Commander Mattias Kenett, Leader of the Special Operations Squad._


End file.
